At CollabSystem, we have been reading the rush of new advice to founders on the money making opportunities in a downturn. We are always up for a quick buck so we thought we’d add our own perspectives and pleas for cash.
Firstly, we apologise for all previous attempts to present a satirical alternative. We now realise reality has us beaten. Comprehensively. Nobody could outcompete the absurdist reality. We were foolish to try.
However, disappointing performance and tough economic times are no reason to give up. We are all about the future of work and we know that the future is accountability free. Rather than face the harsh reality of our failure we will adopt the two key strategies for any startup in a downturn: pivot and raise money.
Many people with a lesser grasp of modern VC economics talk about recessions and hard times as time to get close to customers, improve economics and focus on fundamentals of execution. What terrible advice. Haven’t they heard of the importance of social distancing? We are desperately trying to get as far away from our teams and customers as possible. Only a pivot and new cash will truly enable that.
The key thing about our pivot is that it is not important we know where we are going now. It just needs to be different and involve exponential growth. We briefly considered a pivot to healthcare but we discovered it involves expertise, work and people, three of our least favourite things
We are still working on the exact execution but we now view our pivot as developing the best platform for the social transmission of information through networks. We believe there’s plenty of exponential growth left in rumours. we expect to be the least reliable most urgent source of news. We are currently analysing the viral characteristics of your second cousin’s Facebook feed, Fox News and 4Chan for insights to power our hockey stick growth. We’ve already noticed that each of these platforms has a heartening lack of accountability. Our kind of business.
Any good hockey stick demands you focus on fund raising. creating the hockey stick in excel basically demands it. We can’t wait for the feature where as soon as you enter the assumptions in the spreadsheet the money arrives.
Anyway, we have dragged our founders out of their lassitude and have sent them out to do a dog and pony show with VCs. Unfortunately nobody gives you a meeting in this era of social distancing. In the old days people were nice to your face and said no later. Now they don’t even see your face.
As a result they are presenting online 24×7 in the vain hope money arrives, just like a presidential candidate and for about the same amount of money. If you wish to support our raise read our IM but more importantly click the donate now button or text ‘Take my Money’ to 13GONE4GOOD.