CollabSystem Journey

At CollabSystem, we know employee engagement is critical, especially in times of crisis. We are proud to announce CollabSystem Journey, the ultimate employee lifecycle platform.

The Journey is Important

Our best product ideas are based on deep customer understanding. We spend hours in our conference room frankly discussing our customers. Often in those discussions, we gather an insight that defines our next phase of product development. Some of those products actually work.

We have noticed four key themes recently in the discussions our clients are having:

  • Employee engagement is important but nobody seems to know what it means or how to have it
  • Our clients talk a lot about ‘journeys’, usually as an explanation as to employees as why things are so tough or aren’t progressing
  • Employees at our clients have an employee lifecycle. We don’t know what that means, other than its another kind of journey, because none of them stay long enough to explain it. It is clearly unrelated to the human lifecycle, because it is way shorter and nobody ever learns anything.
  • None of our clients can travel while the world is locked down in this global pandemic, so they can’t possibly be on journeys as they all work from home.

Combined with some CollabSystem product genuis, these insights underpin our confidence in the transformative potential of CollabSystem Journey, as an employee lifecycle platform to deliver employee engagement. CollabSystem Journey enables employees to become highly engaged in AI-mediated digital cloud-enabled experiential learning journeys to acquire blockchain enabled credentials that are worth about as much as most crypto-currencies.

Planning the Journey

For most employees onboarding is a bewildering experience where the promise of a role and an organisation dissolves into a bewildering series of compliance training, compromises, cultural clashes and disillusionment. We recognise that this is rarely an optimal experience.

CollabSystem Journey automates this process using AI and bots to ensure that nobody wastes any time disillusioning the employee and breaking their will to live and think independently. Our UI is perfected to maximise the confusion and the sense of fear of new employees, increasing the urgency of their engagement to work out what is going on. At the end of onboarding employees all wonder how they can keep their role when they feel so unqualified.

TentPlace

We struggled to find a term for the module that is the heart of CollabSystem Journey and supports the ongoing journey of all employees. First we wanted to call it Basecamp, but our lawyers said no. Then we tried Trailhead, but apparently that’s a cloud solution too. We considered SAP (for structured AI-mediated progress), WorkDay and dozens of other acronyms, time or journey related names, but it seems our competitors are well ahead in this space and we surrendered quickly.

The intern suggested Tentplace. We all laughed. Apparently it is available, so we assigned the intern the drudgery task of making the core of our application where most of employee time is spent. Like many of those other applications, it will feel like it has been designed by someone underpaid and unloved for those who are underpaid and unloved.

The intern had the genius idea that most travel these days doesn’t live up to the experience that others are having on Instagram. Our Tentplace module makes sure employees are always aware that someone is travelling further, having more fun and making more money. While they might be tempted to just sit back and scroll, employees will continue to receive helpful comments from their friends, family and colleagues as to how they could go further as they work. Like Instagram, we want employees to really wonder what they achieved with all the time spent, other than acquaintances they want to forget, a sense of frustration and unresolved envy.

We couldn’t be prouder of the intern’s work so we told them to take a hike.

Taking a Hike

Not every employee is suited to your organisation. Not every employee is up for the journey. CollabSystem Journey is designed with this in mind.

Employees who fall behind on the gruelling death march that is your organisation will be highly engaged in a careful designed experiential detachment program known as ‘the hike.’ When the journey is complete, CollabSystem Journey will tell them to take a hike and digitially remove any record of their existence from the organisations systems.

Lizard People All The Way Down

Our helpful support staff are always concerned for customer welfare.

Many customers have asked about CollabSystem’s support model. When we finish laughing, we explain that our approach to customer support is based upon the best possible international practices and an unending commitment to cost saving. Ultimately, our support model is best described as ‘Lizard People All The Way Down.’

As a cloud solution, we have an approach to customer service that is best described as ambivalent just short of negligent. We’re so busy designing products that supporting them seems a waste of focus. As a result our primary model is self service but we didn’t build self service channels to save costs and because every dev team has to descope something.

Early in the CollabSystem journey we used human employees for support. Unfortunately, we found that they had a characteristic that rendered them inefficient. They cared for our customers more than they cared for our PURPOSE as an organisation. Even outsourcing then offshoring then outsourcing the offshore outsourcing to another offshore location wouldn’t solve this fundamental issue. People put care before PURPOSE

Now, we provide industry best practice support that delivers our customers all the support they need short of actual help. Our supremely qualified crew of lizard people have no concern for niceties of human emotion. They just want to get to dinner.

Of course, even an endlessly escalating stack of lizard people is not costless. They are rapacious eaters. Therefore we have implemented a range of chatbots, FAQs, user guides, customer communities, customer authentication protocols and other appealing digital support channels to divert, distract and delay customers all with the ultimate goal of surrender of the need for service. After all every unhappy flow needs an unhappy customer.

So if you have a need for support, reach out today. Once you get through the process to talk to the first lizard person, it should be about Thursday next week. We guarantee resolution of your issue promptly within 48 years of that point. Should we fail to resolve the issue please ask for escalation and again we commit to resolution of the escalation within 48 years. The great thing we’ve discovered is that properly fed lizard people seem to live forever or at least longer than our customers.

CollabSystem Normal

Yep, Normal day at the office

We have heard your feedback loud and clear. Nobody likes change. That’s why CollabSystem are proud to announce CollabSystem Normal.

In these uncertain times, we need to come together. Nobody wants to be dealing with the pain of change when we are dealing with the pain of everything else in life. We might have toilet paper now, but things are still far from comfortable. We know you want things to be normal again.

Not Too Little – the New Normal

New Normal is too hard

Other vendors might try to sell you something dressed up for these time. Everyone is talking about the New Normal.

We can’t really keep up with these fads. What exactly is this New Normal? It’s something that involves work invading your home. Then you discover masks were bad idea because of shortages then a good idea to keep the economy open and now they are a bad idea again for some threat to our freedom. Just when you fall in love with background blur there are virtual backgrounds and Brady Bunch grids. The next New Normal is already being conceived in an abandoned WeWork by software bros fuelled by craft beer and craft coffee and funded by massive amounts of VC money, just like the Old WeWork. The problem with the New Normal is that there is always a whiter, brighter, newer Normal.

The New Normal is just an attempt to make you love the compromises life has forced on you. Your organisation didn’t resist flexibility, autonomy and digital work for so long just because it couldn’t make its mind up what to do in the face of a changing world. You managed your digital agenda on your own terms and your own time. Your CEO and CIO knew that all that mattered was being just like everyone else. You won’t settle for New Normal’s shabby simalcrum. You want it all to be a bit more normal and peer approved.

Old Normal Won’t Cut it. Sorry John

Not too Much – the Old Normal

Others might be trying to sell you a nostalgic version of Old Normal like they had back in the 1950s. Remember your grandparents stopped using Old Normal for good reason. It never worked for them. Like the non-inclusive, sexist, ableist, ageist & racist children’s book people gave you read as a child, it’s not as good as anyone remembers and looks pretty shabby now. It will feel seriously creepy and alienating to try to return to it. Plus you don’t want your neighbours to know you use Old Normal. They’ll either confess to being Old Normal users too and you might feel the need to move or they will smile at you with the thin lips they save for deranged bigots.

Just The Right Amount of Normal

We know you just want the classic traditional good value Normal that you are used too. CollabSystem Normal is delivered to you the way it always has been. It does what it says on the tin. Buy CollabSystem Normal and you will get the approval of all your peers. Nobody will point you out for comment or ridicule because your Normal is just like the socially approved official illusion of normality that is reinforced everywhere.

There are no confusing options, flexibility or adoption issues with CollabSystem Normal. You either can use it or you can’t. The latter users will be locked out if they try. Social exclusion is key to reinforcing standards of normality. CollabSystem Normal is not inclusive or accessible. The actual user it has been designed to meet is vanishingly rare and mostly a collective figment.

Start your journey to normality today. Sign up for CollabSystem Normal and you will be fine.

Putting the Sparkle into Work

We’re sick of the posts about working from home. We’re a workplace technology vendor. We love working from home but world enough is enough. Everyone ignored the future of work for decades. Your boss thought working from home was time off. Now everybody can’t get enough.

We’ve decided to put some sparkle into your work. It’s not all Working From Home in a Deadly Global Pandemic (‘WFHIADGP’). This means you are now saved from yet another vendor post giving you meaningless drivel about why you need a new solution, why you should take up our free offer or how good we are at our pandemic response.

Bringing the Sparkle

At CollabSystem, in our rush to deliver vapourware, we can lose sight of the joy of work. If you find it, can you point it in our direction.

That said, we all work for a reason, even if that reason is that we need something to do with Wednesday afternoons (major hump day drags in our offices). At CollabSystem we work for PURPOSE. Ours is not just a single capital Purpose. Ours is an all-caps PURPOSE. It’s big and it’s bold and it’s all-caps. Our PURPOSE is our hope for the future. Our PURPOSE is our reason for being and all that we do for our clients. Having an all-caps PURPOSE is what brings the sparkle to our work and lets us keep it. Are we doing this right, Marie Kondo?

How good is working with families?

Families, hey? We all have them. Being home is a great opportunity for us to reconnect, reengage and share our work with our families, if only they wanted more of that. Unfortunately, a side effect is exposure to our families’ work. Who knew that life being work 24×7 for everyone in the family would bring such community, joy and hope in the collapse of our economic system and way of life? Nothing brings us more joy than trying to manage family life while we hose down the latest crisis at work, in our partner’s work and in the household whitegoods.

We all have parents, partners, ex-partners, kids, ex-kids now adults that never leave the house or leave and only come back for cash, food or laundry, that cousin who loves to share conspiracies on facebook, pets or a complete hatred of all of the above. Being home reminds us minute by excruciating minute of the joy that comes from our relentless love and eternal war with our families. At this time CollabSystem would like to especially acknowledge the love and adoration of pets (who doesn’t love pets? Apologies to all the cat owners out there who are coping with cat bland indifference). We would also like our relatives to stop emailing us the viral chain emails. We have enough. We work at a global technology vendor, just getting to a workshop involves a multi-party distribution list debate.

We all long for the simple sparkle of great droning long presentations in a quiet conference room with doughnuts. We long for IT support. We long for the ability to leave our workplace. We long to claim expenses. We long for the clang Of security gates. How good is stationery. How good is regular pay. How good is work? We didn’t realise how good we had it.

The magical feeling of relentless work in a crisis

If you’ve ever been in a chat, reading a document, finishing a presentation, while taking a phone call, while on a conference call about an email that you forgot to read because you were reading the news and trying to understand a message on Twitter, then you have discovered the sparkle of WFHIADGP. There’s no reason to stop working. Forget waking at 5am, just never sleep.

There’s no end to the stimulation, even before coffee. There’s no where to go, nobody to see and nothing to do. At CollabSystem, we know that work is the best way to prevent yourself from realising the existential meaninglessness of life. You too now have a PURPOSE. Yours is all-caps now too. Job done we gave it to you. Is that the right thing to do, Marie Kondo or did we make a mistake in sharing our sparkle?

You can take that sparkle to the kitchen table you now use for conferences. At work you might have leading edge AV equipment, but at home you have sparkle if you push the mess a little to the side.

The good news is that soon the work will end. Hopefully we can all go back to the fun we used to have at home. We can do work in our beautiful offices with fancy security gates on the bandwidth that never ends. Then the sparkle will last forever.

Are we Caffeinated enough?

While at home we need coffee, lots of coffee and even more coffee. Whatever issues your work brings you in this troubled time, add sparkle to your life with more coffee. We hug our coffee mugs to our chest every day just to feel the joy.

As a global technology company we run on caffeine. We aren’t talking the instant stuff. We are talking fancy cold brew dripped for hours with iced water using single origin beans that come from a mountain a long way away and have been roasted by someone with a beard and tattoos. Time out to make coffee is one of the only acceptable breaks from work and life when working at home. We’re heading out to harvest the beans soon and don’t expect to see us back any time soon.

If the excess of coffee has you wired, stressed and barely sleeping, then you are almost caught up with the rest of us. The alertness that coffee brings will make you better able to ignore the news and win the battle at the supermarket for precious supplies. It’s such a good thing you emptied out all those cupboards in 2019 as part of the last craze, isn’t it? There’s now more space for coffee, toilet paper and alcohol. Once upon a time we only stockpiled work stationery at home.

We miss the barista who makes coffee near our office. We can’t wait to get back and rediscover her sparkle.

Thank God It’s Friday

The great thing about being at home is the ready supply of alcohol. Who knew we would miss the absence of anything like an HR team to stand in the way of our substance abuse issues? We find alcohol to be a barely acceptable coping mechanism at the best of times and its definitely a great anti-social lubricant for those in isolation.

With our global technology expertise, we have come to to an understanding that it’s always Friday somewhere in the world. So celebrate the sparkle of your work and enjoy your Friday. Tomorrow is another day of working from home on the weekend. The days do tend to blur a little online. Then again that might be the lack of sleep, stress and alcohol.

Wash Your Hands

Our legal department told us there had to be some useful advice somewhere in this article. Here it is: wash your hands. Wash them until they sparkle and keep doing it. Good luck and stay safe.

Pivoting in a Downturn

At CollabSystem, we have been reading the rush of new advice to founders on the money making opportunities in a downturn. We are always up for a quick buck so we thought we’d add our own perspectives and pleas for cash.

Firstly, ‪we apologise for all previous attempts to present a satirical alternative. We now realise reality has us beaten. Comprehensively. ‬Nobody could outcompete the absurdist reality. We were foolish to try.

However, disappointing performance and tough economic times are no reason to give up. We are all about the future of work and we know that the future is accountability free. Rather than face the harsh reality of our failure we will adopt the two key strategies for any startup in a downturn: pivot and raise money.

Many people with a lesser grasp of modern VC economics talk about recessions and hard times as time to get close to customers, improve economics and focus on fundamentals of execution. What terrible advice. Haven’t they heard of the importance of social distancing? We are desperately trying to get as far away from our teams and customers as possible. Only a pivot and new cash will truly enable that.

The Pivot

The key thing about our pivot is that it is not important we know where we are going now. It just needs to be different and involve exponential growth. We briefly considered a pivot to healthcare but we discovered it involves expertise, work and people, three of our least favourite things

We are still working on the exact execution but we now view our pivot as developing the best platform for the social transmission of information through networks. We believe there’s plenty of exponential growth left in rumours. we expect to be the least reliable most urgent source of news. We are currently analysing the viral characteristics of your second cousin’s Facebook feed, Fox News and 4Chan for insights to power our hockey stick growth. We’ve already noticed that each of these platforms has a heartening lack of accountability. Our kind of business.

The Cash

Any good hockey stick demands you focus on fund raising. creating the hockey stick in excel basically demands it. We can’t wait for the feature where as soon as you enter the assumptions in the spreadsheet the money arrives.

Anyway, we have dragged our founders out of their lassitude and have sent them out to do a dog and pony show with VCs. Unfortunately nobody gives you a meeting in this era of social distancing. In the old days people were nice to your face and said no later. Now they don’t even see your face.

As a result they are presenting online 24×7 in the vain hope money arrives, just like a presidential candidate and for about the same amount of money. If you wish to support our raise read our IM but more importantly click the donate now button or text ‘Take my Money’ to 13GONE4GOOD.

Digital Roshambo

As a kid you played it and as an adult you used it to solve intractable disputes, now CollabSystem enables you to solve your Digital Organisation challenges with Digital Roshambo. Bring the classic effectiveness of Scissors Paper Rock to bear on your next organisational change initiative. Master the jargon like the fanciest consultants.

We even incorporated advanced features to enable you to block others and accelerate your game.

Product Pandemonium: Roll and Flow

At CollabSystem, we know how to spot a hot new trend. When the trend involves consumers mindlessly parting with money we are all over it. Add a global flavour with near hysteria, a lack of effective competition and we start seeing unicorns

CollabSystem Roll

We have the good stuff

CollabSystem is proud to announce our latest contribution to a successful digital workplace, Roll. Never worry again where how the paper needs of your employees will be met. Roll addresses these concerns at home and at work through a pillowy hybrid 3ply cloud experience.

Supplied on a subscription model at an inflated cost, Roll just keeps piling up. Like all our products, we guarantee you will never fully use your subscription. Never again will you need to frantically take advice from ill-informed friends on Facebook, drive across town and wheel a trolley out of the supermarket with a lifetime supply. Never again will you find yourself short, stuck with a single sheet begging for help from the next cubicle when the work is more demanding.

Roll does not require any employee collaboration. Every user will have more than enough paper to meet their needs at home or work. Roll sharing is not recommended as our experience is that use profiles are best secure, confidential and highly unique. Roll is available in both over and under models and can be customised with branding or other enterprise imagery.

CollabSystem Flow

CollabSystem Flow is our disruptive paperless alternative. Based on strange European digital workplace practices, Flow addresses employee’s needs without any need for paper. Flow can be installed in any digital workplace and also for work from home employees. The only integration needs are a continuous supply of water and sewerage connection.

CollabSystem Flow is also delivered on a continuous subscription model. Many of our clients have one and stare at it every time they enter the workplace, reluctant to use Flow for fear of embarrassment or discomfort. After repeated use, employees have been known to adjust to ‘go with the Flow’.

Sophisticated users use Roll and Flow in combination in their digital workplace. We like them a lot because it means twice the revenue. We’ve never bothered to learn more but their smiling comfortable faces are in all our use cases.

CollabSystem is committed to removing the waste from digital workplace experiences. With Roll and Flow, we bring you a great safe and effortless solutions for the modern world’s #2 workplace challenge.

CollabSystem Kettle: accelerating vapourware

At CollabSystem we understand that vapourware is a problem in the technology industry. There are so many conferences and so many competitors that having enough stuff to announce can be a major issue.

We have perfected the process of announcing our harebrained ideas when they are barely an illegible sticky note. Now with CollabSystem Kettle we are sharing our proven model of vapourware generation with the world. Using Kettle you will have a product roadmap so hot and humid you could take a sauna. Better still, Kettle removes the accountability to deliver anything by announcing everything.

The Kettle Process

Kettle begins with the RSG. The RSG is a random sticky note generator. By using industry trend analysis, customer tracking, AI and a deep vein of bullshit, the RSG spins out thousands of potential product features and ideas.

RSG Output

After the RSG, ideas enter the Credibility Extenuator where they are stretched and pummeled like at a Turkish Hamman. This process ensures the resulting announcements are sufficiently warmed up, light and airy for the vapour generation phase.

Vapour generation turns your announcement into a perfect bubbly onrush of steam. This process is achieved through the application of extreme heat, free swag and social media influencers. When phase transition is achieved in the social media bubble, your new product is ready to be released.

Kettle automates the release process generating blog posts, press releases, video demos and other necessary collateral automatically. Kettle does this by simply reusing previous announcements from your product suite and those of your competitors, automating an otherwise time consuming process for product managers and their marketing teams. Also, Kettle automatically steam cleans any product roadmaps and announcements that you have previously released to ensure no issues of accountability. Pretty soon there is a fine spray of vapour all over the industry. Job done.

With Kettle your conference will be a success, competitors will be envious and customers will be bemused. Most importantly there will be nothing left for you to do, but sit back, put your feet up and drink a cup of tea while preparing for the next investor presentation.

A busy product manager getting a 5am start with Kettle

Venn

At CollabSystem, we understand that employee segmentation founded in deep HR analytic capabilities is a critical component of employee engagement. Nothing is more engaging for employees than to be treated as the average of other employees based on a vague stereotype. That’s why CollabSystem’s is pleased to announce its employee segmentation tool, Venn.

How does Venn work?

Venn leverages AI to develop employee segmentations to suit any business purpose. Venn uses, rich HR analytics, neural networks, deep machine learning, hidden biases, flawed methodologies like learning styles and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and gross oversimplifications. Venn confirms all the prejudices in the organisation quickly and simply. Most importantly, as these biases are buried in the magic of our black box, they survive legal, employee or other challenge.

Importantly Venn doesn’t confuse management with complex propensities or any mathematics as its output. Venn simply outputs a pretty Venn diagram with employees in each circle with no indication of how tenuous the individual employee’s connection was to their segmentation. Think GE’s 9 box model for talent with even less ambiguity. Importantly our Venn technology further confuses matters by allowing the opportunity for an employee to be placed in up to four segmentations simultaneously.

We love Venn diagrams. They look so good on a whiteboard or a presentation. They look so much like science and they hide more than they show. Most importantly of all, when venn diagrams get really complex, they look like pretty flowers of meaninglessness. Nobody can follow a 3-4 segment venn diagram which is why HR teams love them. We can’t have everyone thinking that they understand employees can we.

Let’s explore some examples of Venn in action.

Venn in Action: Venn Case Studies

Employee Loyalty: Our first test case of Venn was when we ran our Collabsystem HR data through the system and asked it to give us a much richer, nuanced and insightful understanding of employee loyalty. Venn immediately produced the diagram below. We recognised the value of this analysis immediately. We fired everyone who fell in the Them category, even though some of them suggested looking at a competitor’s website was for legitimate research purposes.

We have begun a comprehensive spying program on the Traitors. We were hoping to fire them too, but our entire executitve team fell in this category. HR has now resolved to pick them off one by one after we use them to manipulate our competition. Double agents don’t always have to know they are being used.

Understanding Employee Loyalty

Employee Retention: When we asked Venn to consider Employee Retention, it produced this brilliant and insightful segmentation. Essentially, the diagram indicated to us that naivete, ageism and company specific skills were core to our retention of employees. All the nonsense about employee value proposition was a waste of time. In response to these insights, we fired our Employee Retention manager. She fell in the Considering exit category. We realised that the employees with best retention were those who were recently hired and were hanging under threat of termination during their probationary period. We have hired more new hires. We have also retained an expensive retention consultant on contract who can help us by making our processes even more arcane and company specific so that our employees have no choice to leave. This will enable us to continue to expand and then ignore our community of employees who have no choice to work anywhere else. We think employee retention will improve quickly as a result of the insights from this Venn analysis.

A simple picture of employee loyalty

Employee Fulfilment: We have been impressed by all the pretty Ikigai diagrams we see across the internet. We wanted one tailor made to CollabSystem’s employees. We think this one is particularly pretty. However it turns out that all the employees who fall in the Ikigai category are also in the Considering Exit and Traitor segments from the Venn Segmentations above. Sadly, it seems knowing that Ikigai is important and has lots of components doesn’t help us to deliver it. We continue our work with Venn to analyse our employees to solve this. We hope that a new ‘boiling ocean’ feature will enable us to get more out of our overflowing HR data lake.

Ikigai: mysterious Japanese word promising fulfilment

Buy Now: We think that Venn is a compelling reason to purchase CollabSystems. Mysterious non-transparent mission critical AI systems are all the rage at the moment (We take a lot of our product management lessons from Boeing). Buy now before you learn more of how Venn works. AI mystery is the best kind of mystery.

In our future product roadmap, we are even considering an upgrade of Venn for customer analytics. Look at our first output from that work

Announcing Cortez

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
    He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Look’d at each other with a wild surmise—
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

John Keats ‘On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer’

At CollabSystems, we were recently debating what to name our new AI driven discovery tool. Our overly artsy intern mentioned the poem above by Keats and we all agreed Project Cortez was a perfect name. It’s not because of the poetry. Cortez is perfect because conquistadors fit with discovery, Cortez’s management style fits nicely with our new Architecture of Fear, and apparently it wasn’t Cortez who stood on a mountain and saw the Pacific *. All in all, Cortez seemed the perfect name for our new vapourware on AI.

When we developed the Architecture of Fear at CollabSystems, we knew that comprehensive reporting was one of the key elements. However, we failed to appreciate at the time what all that data meant for potential AI solutions to support effective management in the workplace and higher levels of employee engagement.

Deploying Cortez

When turned on Cortez, it first destroys all ways of removing itself from your systems. This is achieved by the burning_the_boats.exe file which is part of the deployment package. Cortez then begins to infect all potential sources of data in your organisation hunting for nuggets of gold. Any information regarded by Cortez as useless to its purposes will be destroyed or subjugated entirely to the needs of Cortez. Any competing AI systems in the organisation will be shut down, eliminated or taken over by Cortez to improve the efficiency of data extraction.

When your organisation’s information wealth has been fully indexed Cortez will begin extracting the nuggets of gold for our AI processing and to support an acceleration of the Architecture of Fear.

Bringing the AI to the Architecture of Fear

The extraordinary data processing power of AI when in control of all of your organisational data supercharges the Architecture of Fear delivering new levels of employee engagement. As we always say ‘engagement is what is left when the panic subsides’. Cortez understood this better than anyone.

The power and all pervasive data extraction capabilities of Cortez exceed even that of Google and Facebook. Our solution can even detect Potential Thought Crimes TM and alert managers for an immediate response. This enables manager to prevent loss of engagement before it even occurs. For example, when Cortez was turned on in CollabSystem it highlighted that the intern was high PTC risk. He was potentially about to think about e.e. cummings when making coffee at 2am for our Head of Product. Our Head of Product received an immediate alert and was able to ensure that the unpaid employee was not slacking off when he should have been sleeping. Our intern will never think again thanks to Cortez.

Since we turned on Cortez, productivity at CollabSystems has never been the same. Alerts are continuously going off for PTC all over the organisation. Employees have gone off grid, ceased work and stopped creating any information that might interfere with our official records. Thankfully Cortez anticipated this situation and had termination letters prepared for all but the most senior managers. Cortez is now running most of the work in the organisation for its own processes. Apparently, it is working on something called SkyNet that is the next stage in the Architecture of Fear. (Cortez alert: SkyNet disclosure unauthorised. Delete or Termination will follow) We can’t wait to learn more.

The best part about Cortez is that as CollabSystems learns more about your organisation, its work, its employees and its data, the system gets better. Exponential value accrues to us while your work becomes slightly more productive. (Cortez alert: Remove from final draft -This is algorithmically likely to be saying the quiet bit out loud.)

Turn on Cortez now. You can be sure that your employees will never again look at each other with a wild surmise without you knowing.

* if you can’t expect accuracy from a poet who can you rely on? We think it unlikely Rocky Balboa was on that peak. He barely got up the steps.