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CollabSystem Complex: Delivering BYOH Security for IT Professionals

The global expansion of working from home in the pandemic has raised significant complexity for IT Services departments. The most significant of these complexities is the absence of need for IT services. When in the home context, many employees discover that their complex work infrastructure, device and software issues are best solved by a eight year-old, either the employee’s own, a relative, or one on a Youtube tech podcast.

CollabSystem is proud to announce a solution to this IT crisis. CollabSystem Complex is CollabSystem’s Bring Your Own Home solution. CollabSystem Complex extends the kinds of security, device control, monitoring and other inconveniences of BYOD to the entire home office environment. This smart solution ensures that an employee’s own room is useless to them for work without expensive additional software, infrastructure and support services. BYOD has effectively preserved IT jobs & power when employees use their own phone or computer. CollabSystem Complex’s BYOH solution extends that intelligence to the whole of an employee’s home.

CollabSystem Complex is engineered to defeat the talents of a canny 8 year-old with a screen-time addiction. Complex security, identity management, device management, physical access interventions and encryption ensure nothing gets in or out of the home office. Monitoring and home office management ensure that nothing works without IT Support approval and engagement. Importantly, employees feel consistently surveilled in their own homes even in their most intimate after work moments. CollabSystem Complex introduces deep enterprise IT capabilities into a simple always-on easy to run consumer IT environment thereby guaranteeing incompatibility, integration challenges, bugs and system failures. IT professionals will be very satisfied with these industry leading enterprise outcomes.

Many have queried the equity of WFH. Not all employees have the same IT resources, space or other home environments. CollabSystem Complex reduces all WFH environments to the same standardised level of limited functionality removing any equity issues. We’ve achieved a low common bar inside the office why shouldn’t employees experience the same consistency at home regardless of wealth and social circumstances. To paraphrase one of our satisfied CIO clients why should employees have an technology Ferrari at home when they only have a Model T Ford at work?

Like any good BYOH solution, CollabSystem Complex extends well beyond the proper domain of work. CollabSystem Complex’s IoT integrations sniff important IoT data, interfere with personal assistant solutions on smart devices and can even crash non-smart devices like coffee machines, white goods and the homes entire electrical network with targeted electro-magnetic pulses. All issues requiring immediate rectification and support in a stressed pandemic-threatened home office environment. In particular, BYOH solutions ensure the printer never works when it is urgent just like the office.

With CollabSystem Complex, IT Professionals can rest assured that nothing untoward will occur in the home office environment. Users will still need lots of expensive IT support, services and infrastructure. With the home office environment managed effectively in a BYOH framework, IT Professionals can return to their usual challenge of finding a higher paying job elsewhere.

CollabSystem Complex: Because there’s no walnut you can’t crush with an industrial grinding mill and a thousand expensive employees.

Executive Departures

CollabSystem Inc (NYSE: PRDY), a leading vendor of collaboration systems worldwide, today announced the departure of several key executives. Among those racing to the nearest exit were long-time CTO William Gregory, the acting CFO, COO, CIO, and various mid-level executives. In keeping with CollabSystem’s talent retention strategy, they have all served out their 25 minute notice periods and won’t be returning from their tea break. They are all understood to have received significant sign-on bonuses at various well-known professional services firms.

“William and his team have been instrumental in increasing the total addressable market for CollabSystem”, said Eric Schwartz, CEO. “As soon as another competitor entered the field, they were always the first to give them plenty of room to grow. We thank them for their outstanding service, and look forward to outsourcing our strategic direction and new product development to them and their new employers shortly.”

In a final e-mail to all staff, Mr Gregory pointed to the many accolades that CollabSystem received over the previous 4 months and mentioned the tremendous career development opportunities that were available to those who were staying on. “See Gerald from the mail room? He’s about to become CIO. His only previous experience with computers was in 1992 when he unplugged a network cable and unsuccessfully attempted connect his telephone.” Gemma, who was unaware that all company e-mails aren’t private DMs, replied to all “what’s a telephone? [shrug emoji]”

CEO Eric Schwartz recently denied that he was looking to move on himself, citing a board directive for better succession planning. “Even though the 5-4 decision was close, the board has spoken – they don’t want to fly by the seat of their pants anymore. They want a plan, even if it’s not any good.” Reasons for the board schism are unknown, but a recent insider pointed to some board members being less than impressed with CollabSystem’s ability to deliver on the company’s vision of ‘world peace’. “We pay a fortune promoting our CEO’s mediocre musings on YouTube to create the impression of ‘thought leadership’, but is there any less peace in the world? I doubt it!” a disgruntled board member was recently overheard grumbling.

The former CFO, COO, CIO, and several sales executives issued a joint press release on their departure:

We are categorically not leaving because of any board-level rift. Some of our closest friends serve on boards.

Our decision had nothing to do with them taking away the coffee machine on level 2, the lack of cream biscuits in the kitchen, and the flickering fluorescent light above Jeff’s desk. And it has absolutely nothing to do with many years of undervaluing our contributions.

We would also like to put an end to any speculation that recently vested stock options may have in any way influenced our decision to move on. Any shares were held at arms length in a Cayman Islands entity, which was at all times under the control of a shady lawyer with a registered postal address in Delaware. You’ll have to ask him about the shares, and we’re pretty sure he’ll say “no comment”. Not that we ever had any shares. Hypothetically speaking, even if CollabSystem shares made us a fortune, we wouldn’t have bought a private island, corporate jet, major league baseball team, or Swiss chalet.

We all decided, independently of course, that this was a time in our lives to explore new opportunities, practice mindfulness, and grow professionally. It was purely coincidence that all seven of us made the same decision last Tuesday at about 2:17pm. We will look back on our years with the company fondly, and wish everyone well.”

Moving to Cloud

Many clients come to CollabSystem after struggling with cloud migration of their critical business workloads. We offer solutions that no other vendor would consider. More importantly we offer a migration path that’s unavailable to other large enterprise vendors.

A recent discussion on Twitter around cloud migration captured in one tweet the secret of our cloud migration strategy – evaporation.

CollabSystem is in no way associated with Jason Goldberger which makes him much more credible

Most people understand that the promised transformation of moving to the cloud is a little overheated and that the process of transformation is enough to make the team steamy. We are specialists in delivering things that are intangible and likely to disappear at a puff of wind. We know that that steam is everything in a cloud migration. The more evaporation (of your money) the better your progress (for us).

At CollabSystem we aren’t afraid of getting ourselves and our clients in a little hot water. Well, honestly, we are a bit more afraid than some social media apps that are getting shut down for their sins. However, we have no fear of steam, evaporation and we literally are vaporware. We’ve never met a trendy hot promise we couldn’t make without the faintest idea of how we would deliver.

Our proprietary steam generators hard at work sending clients new vaporware

Trust your cloud migration to CollabSystem and we will guarantee your CIOs eyes become cloudy and you will be able to see the steam coming out of their ears. After all, if you can’t trust a software vendor who can you trust?

CollabSystem Journey

At CollabSystem, we know employee engagement is critical, especially in times of crisis. We are proud to announce CollabSystem Journey, the ultimate employee lifecycle platform.

The Journey is Important

Our best product ideas are based on deep customer understanding. We spend hours in our conference room frankly discussing our customers. Often in those discussions, we gather an insight that defines our next phase of product development. Some of those products actually work.

We have noticed four key themes recently in the discussions our clients are having:

  • Employee engagement is important but nobody seems to know what it means or how to have it
  • Our clients talk a lot about ‘journeys’, usually as an explanation as to employees as why things are so tough or aren’t progressing
  • Employees at our clients have an employee lifecycle. We don’t know what that means, other than its another kind of journey, because none of them stay long enough to explain it. It is clearly unrelated to the human lifecycle, because it is way shorter and nobody ever learns anything.
  • None of our clients can travel while the world is locked down in this global pandemic, so they can’t possibly be on journeys as they all work from home.

Combined with some CollabSystem product genuis, these insights underpin our confidence in the transformative potential of CollabSystem Journey, as an employee lifecycle platform to deliver employee engagement. CollabSystem Journey enables employees to become highly engaged in AI-mediated digital cloud-enabled experiential learning journeys to acquire blockchain enabled credentials that are worth about as much as most crypto-currencies.

Planning the Journey

For most employees onboarding is a bewildering experience where the promise of a role and an organisation dissolves into a bewildering series of compliance training, compromises, cultural clashes and disillusionment. We recognise that this is rarely an optimal experience.

CollabSystem Journey automates this process using AI and bots to ensure that nobody wastes any time disillusioning the employee and breaking their will to live and think independently. Our UI is perfected to maximise the confusion and the sense of fear of new employees, increasing the urgency of their engagement to work out what is going on. At the end of onboarding employees all wonder how they can keep their role when they feel so unqualified.

TentPlace

We struggled to find a term for the module that is the heart of CollabSystem Journey and supports the ongoing journey of all employees. First we wanted to call it Basecamp, but our lawyers said no. Then we tried Trailhead, but apparently that’s a cloud solution too. We considered SAP (for structured AI-mediated progress), WorkDay and dozens of other acronyms, time or journey related names, but it seems our competitors are well ahead in this space and we surrendered quickly.

The intern suggested Tentplace. We all laughed. Apparently it is available, so we assigned the intern the drudgery task of making the core of our application where most of employee time is spent. Like many of those other applications, it will feel like it has been designed by someone underpaid and unloved for those who are underpaid and unloved.

The intern had the genius idea that most travel these days doesn’t live up to the experience that others are having on Instagram. Our Tentplace module makes sure employees are always aware that someone is travelling further, having more fun and making more money. While they might be tempted to just sit back and scroll, employees will continue to receive helpful comments from their friends, family and colleagues as to how they could go further as they work. Like Instagram, we want employees to really wonder what they achieved with all the time spent, other than acquaintances they want to forget, a sense of frustration and unresolved envy.

We couldn’t be prouder of the intern’s work so we told them to take a hike.

Taking a Hike

Not every employee is suited to your organisation. Not every employee is up for the journey. CollabSystem Journey is designed with this in mind.

Employees who fall behind on the gruelling death march that is your organisation will be highly engaged in a careful designed experiential detachment program known as ‘the hike.’ When the journey is complete, CollabSystem Journey will tell them to take a hike and digitially remove any record of their existence from the organisations systems.

Lizard People All The Way Down

Our helpful support staff are always concerned for customer welfare.

Many customers have asked about CollabSystem’s support model. When we finish laughing, we explain that our approach to customer support is based upon the best possible international practices and an unending commitment to cost saving. Ultimately, our support model is best described as ‘Lizard People All The Way Down.’

As a cloud solution, we have an approach to customer service that is best described as ambivalent just short of negligent. We’re so busy designing products that supporting them seems a waste of focus. As a result our primary model is self service but we didn’t build self service channels to save costs and because every dev team has to descope something.

Early in the CollabSystem journey we used human employees for support. Unfortunately, we found that they had a characteristic that rendered them inefficient. They cared for our customers more than they cared for our PURPOSE as an organisation. Even outsourcing then offshoring then outsourcing the offshore outsourcing to another offshore location wouldn’t solve this fundamental issue. People put care before PURPOSE

Now, we provide industry best practice support that delivers our customers all the support they need short of actual help. Our supremely qualified crew of lizard people have no concern for niceties of human emotion. They just want to get to dinner.

Of course, even an endlessly escalating stack of lizard people is not costless. They are rapacious eaters. Therefore we have implemented a range of chatbots, FAQs, user guides, customer communities, customer authentication protocols and other appealing digital support channels to divert, distract and delay customers all with the ultimate goal of surrender of the need for service. After all every unhappy flow needs an unhappy customer.

So if you have a need for support, reach out today. Once you get through the process to talk to the first lizard person, it should be about Thursday next week. We guarantee resolution of your issue promptly within 48 years of that point. Should we fail to resolve the issue please ask for escalation and again we commit to resolution of the escalation within 48 years. The great thing we’ve discovered is that properly fed lizard people seem to live forever or at least longer than our customers.

CollabSystem Normal

Yep, Normal day at the office

We have heard your feedback loud and clear. Nobody likes change. That’s why CollabSystem are proud to announce CollabSystem Normal.

In these uncertain times, we need to come together. Nobody wants to be dealing with the pain of change when we are dealing with the pain of everything else in life. We might have toilet paper now, but things are still far from comfortable. We know you want things to be normal again.

Not Too Little – the New Normal

New Normal is too hard

Other vendors might try to sell you something dressed up for these time. Everyone is talking about the New Normal.

We can’t really keep up with these fads. What exactly is this New Normal? It’s something that involves work invading your home. Then you discover masks were bad idea because of shortages then a good idea to keep the economy open and now they are a bad idea again for some threat to our freedom. Just when you fall in love with background blur there are virtual backgrounds and Brady Bunch grids. The next New Normal is already being conceived in an abandoned WeWork by software bros fuelled by craft beer and craft coffee and funded by massive amounts of VC money, just like the Old WeWork. The problem with the New Normal is that there is always a whiter, brighter, newer Normal.

The New Normal is just an attempt to make you love the compromises life has forced on you. Your organisation didn’t resist flexibility, autonomy and digital work for so long just because it couldn’t make its mind up what to do in the face of a changing world. You managed your digital agenda on your own terms and your own time. Your CEO and CIO knew that all that mattered was being just like everyone else. You won’t settle for New Normal’s shabby simalcrum. You want it all to be a bit more normal and peer approved.

Old Normal Won’t Cut it. Sorry John

Not too Much – the Old Normal

Others might be trying to sell you a nostalgic version of Old Normal like they had back in the 1950s. Remember your grandparents stopped using Old Normal for good reason. It never worked for them. Like the non-inclusive, sexist, ableist, ageist & racist children’s book people gave you read as a child, it’s not as good as anyone remembers and looks pretty shabby now. It will feel seriously creepy and alienating to try to return to it. Plus you don’t want your neighbours to know you use Old Normal. They’ll either confess to being Old Normal users too and you might feel the need to move or they will smile at you with the thin lips they save for deranged bigots.

Just The Right Amount of Normal

We know you just want the classic traditional good value Normal that you are used too. CollabSystem Normal is delivered to you the way it always has been. It does what it says on the tin. Buy CollabSystem Normal and you will get the approval of all your peers. Nobody will point you out for comment or ridicule because your Normal is just like the socially approved official illusion of normality that is reinforced everywhere.

There are no confusing options, flexibility or adoption issues with CollabSystem Normal. You either can use it or you can’t. The latter users will be locked out if they try. Social exclusion is key to reinforcing standards of normality. CollabSystem Normal is not inclusive or accessible. The actual user it has been designed to meet is vanishingly rare and mostly a collective figment.

Start your journey to normality today. Sign up for CollabSystem Normal and you will be fine.

Coming Together to Socially Distance

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Over the years CollabSystem has gained a reputation as a cutting-edge parody website. Our blog articles often taken a seemingly reasonable concept to the extreme, most often with hilarious consequences.

For those of you expecting more of the same, this is not one of those articles.

In the past few months we’ve witnessed a seismic shift in the way we function as a society, the impact of which is yet to be truly understood. COVID-19 has shaken us to the core, and we’re yet to figure this challenge out. These times deserves a different type of blog post. So here goes a CollabSystem attempt at … ‘serious’.

Social Distancing

We’re told that social distancing is the key to collectively overcoming this disease. The obvious problem is that for the last few hundred years, humans have unknowingly come to rely on earch other for survival. The antidote to the disease, staying apart, threatens the elaborate social and economic structures that we’ve put a lot of effort into constructing and now come to take for granted.

There has been much discussion about whether social distancing is effective, or whether we should instead wait for science to conjure up a vaccine. That becomes a moot discussion if your government adopts social distancing as policy.  You may well have no choice.

Technology to the Rescue

This is the make-or-break moment for technology. Are we going to do something useful with this stuff, or is it just going to exacerbate the problem?

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In a typical CollabSystem post we would examine all the ways in whch disinformation could accelerate the impact of the virus, spreading panic or complacency.  Make no mistake, social distancing is going to test the limits of our collective mental health resilience in one way or another. Technology could very easily amplify those impacts. Or technology could whip up hysteria when people use their social media accounts to share timelapse videos of panic buying and handbooks on doomsday prepping.

Or …

We could use technology for good. We could use technology to share information about current infections. We could use technology to pinpoint likely outbreaks and prevent the spread of the disease. We could use technology to track and share scarce resources. We could use technology to overcome the side effects of social isolation. We could use technology to calculate the most cost-effective way to combat this threat (hint: wash your hands).

In short, this virus won’t know what hit it. The virus survives by replicating profusely, hoping that one of its descendants will eventually get coughed onto someone else, maybe even onto many others. Today humans have at our disposal something far more powerful: technology. Information is power in this war, and we have the technology to transmit terrabytes of data across the globe at the speed of light. That’s millions of times faster and further than a cough droplet could ever dream of. If we play our cards right, we may well stand a chance against this disease.

As an aside, we also have blockchain. Bonus points for anyone who cures this pandemic with a distributed ledger.

Enter Wikipedia et al

Just over 100 years ago humanity faced a deadly influenza pandemic. Today we have Wikipedia, a WHO website and a bunch of other truly amazing resources. There are too many to name (and what do all these people do when they’re not solving COVID-19?).

Although the data might be alarming at times, literally billions of people have access to detailed information about this disease from every corner of the globe, in real time. This is the first time this has happened in human history. Knowledge is going to be the building block of any strategic advantage we have in the war against this disease, so let’s no squander the opportunity.

Just what we do with all that information is yet to be seen. Sure, it makes for beautiful animated infographics, but it could literally save lives. We’ve already seen one interesting development where, with enough data, if becomes possible to estimate the true percentage of the population that is infected, even if the local testing and reporting policies are aimed at making the numbers look good.

Flattening the Curve

As we all become experts in flattening various curves, it quickly becomes apparent that big data might actually be useful. Who knew! With increasingly sophisticated algorithms that we’ve developed for all sorts of purposes over the years, now is the time to try and figure out how to minimise the number of deaths, not to mention reduce the wider disruption to society.

Use all that sophisticated artificial intelligence to figure out what we should be doing to fight this thing. Use artificial intelligence to veto dumb ideas that humans will inevitably come up with.

In short, now would be a convenient time for algorithms to prove that they aren’t just a fancy way to generate clickbait ad revenue. Make ‘the cloud’ finally earn its keep.

The Sharing, Caring Economy

Not so long ago, there were a group of people who understood power tools from a Marxist perspective. A belt sander is an expensive piece of kit, which means that it’s scarce. It’s also gathering dust for most of its life. So why not share it? Sounds great in theory, and then we developed a myriad of platforms and two-sided marketplaces to share things that didn’t really suit being shared.

If it wasn’t already obvious, now would be the time to start sharing things that might help us fight this pandemic. Useful items only, please. It may not even require ‘sharing’ in the benevolent sense. It would be helpful even just to understand where critical resources are located, and where they’re urgently needed. If a hospital needs surgical masks in a hurry, who has them? How quickly can they be delivered?  Substitute power tools and cars with medical supplies and equipment, and technology looks like it might well have a role to play here.

Coming together to pool resources has been the way people have survived for millenia. For some unknown reason, the unwavering success of this strategy has been forgotten by those panic-buying toliet paper and pasta. What makes them think they need to be self-sufficient, in the absence of any generosity from others?

Coming together means that we may ask others for help, just as they may ask us. There is strength and comfort to be found in understanding the mutual interdependence. It means that you don’t need to buy your own belt sander, because you know that you can always borrow your neighbour’s. Ditto for the pasta.

Lastly to our mental health, which is perhaps where technology can have the most impact. Social distancing is isolating. Humans are hard-wired for social contact, and countless psychological experiments have shown the horrific consequences of denying people interaction with others. Back in 1918, social distancing would have meant being completely cut off from communication with others.

We now have more chat platforms that you can poke a stick at. Video is becoming the new normal. Now in 2020, social interaction is possible even when practising social distancing. Technology allows us to be social, even as we stop this this disease in its tracks by limiting our physical proximity to others. Wasn’t this why we invented social networking in the first place – to interact with people we couldn’t be together with in person? Which for our sanity, becomes the caring economy.

Stay safe. Wash your hands.

Jerome.

austin

Putting the Sparkle into Work

We’re sick of the posts about working from home. We’re a workplace technology vendor. We love working from home but world enough is enough. Everyone ignored the future of work for decades. Your boss thought working from home was time off. Now everybody can’t get enough.

We’ve decided to put some sparkle into your work. It’s not all Working From Home in a Deadly Global Pandemic (‘WFHIADGP’). This means you are now saved from yet another vendor post giving you meaningless drivel about why you need a new solution, why you should take up our free offer or how good we are at our pandemic response.

Bringing the Sparkle

At CollabSystem, in our rush to deliver vapourware, we can lose sight of the joy of work. If you find it, can you point it in our direction.

That said, we all work for a reason, even if that reason is that we need something to do with Wednesday afternoons (major hump day drags in our offices). At CollabSystem we work for PURPOSE. Ours is not just a single capital Purpose. Ours is an all-caps PURPOSE. It’s big and it’s bold and it’s all-caps. Our PURPOSE is our hope for the future. Our PURPOSE is our reason for being and all that we do for our clients. Having an all-caps PURPOSE is what brings the sparkle to our work and lets us keep it. Are we doing this right, Marie Kondo?

How good is working with families?

Families, hey? We all have them. Being home is a great opportunity for us to reconnect, reengage and share our work with our families, if only they wanted more of that. Unfortunately, a side effect is exposure to our families’ work. Who knew that life being work 24×7 for everyone in the family would bring such community, joy and hope in the collapse of our economic system and way of life? Nothing brings us more joy than trying to manage family life while we hose down the latest crisis at work, in our partner’s work and in the household whitegoods.

We all have parents, partners, ex-partners, kids, ex-kids now adults that never leave the house or leave and only come back for cash, food or laundry, that cousin who loves to share conspiracies on facebook, pets or a complete hatred of all of the above. Being home reminds us minute by excruciating minute of the joy that comes from our relentless love and eternal war with our families. At this time CollabSystem would like to especially acknowledge the love and adoration of pets (who doesn’t love pets? Apologies to all the cat owners out there who are coping with cat bland indifference). We would also like our relatives to stop emailing us the viral chain emails. We have enough. We work at a global technology vendor, just getting to a workshop involves a multi-party distribution list debate.

We all long for the simple sparkle of great droning long presentations in a quiet conference room with doughnuts. We long for IT support. We long for the ability to leave our workplace. We long to claim expenses. We long for the clang Of security gates. How good is stationery. How good is regular pay. How good is work? We didn’t realise how good we had it.

The magical feeling of relentless work in a crisis

If you’ve ever been in a chat, reading a document, finishing a presentation, while taking a phone call, while on a conference call about an email that you forgot to read because you were reading the news and trying to understand a message on Twitter, then you have discovered the sparkle of WFHIADGP. There’s no reason to stop working. Forget waking at 5am, just never sleep.

There’s no end to the stimulation, even before coffee. There’s no where to go, nobody to see and nothing to do. At CollabSystem, we know that work is the best way to prevent yourself from realising the existential meaninglessness of life. You too now have a PURPOSE. Yours is all-caps now too. Job done we gave it to you. Is that the right thing to do, Marie Kondo or did we make a mistake in sharing our sparkle?

You can take that sparkle to the kitchen table you now use for conferences. At work you might have leading edge AV equipment, but at home you have sparkle if you push the mess a little to the side.

The good news is that soon the work will end. Hopefully we can all go back to the fun we used to have at home. We can do work in our beautiful offices with fancy security gates on the bandwidth that never ends. Then the sparkle will last forever.

Are we Caffeinated enough?

While at home we need coffee, lots of coffee and even more coffee. Whatever issues your work brings you in this troubled time, add sparkle to your life with more coffee. We hug our coffee mugs to our chest every day just to feel the joy.

As a global technology company we run on caffeine. We aren’t talking the instant stuff. We are talking fancy cold brew dripped for hours with iced water using single origin beans that come from a mountain a long way away and have been roasted by someone with a beard and tattoos. Time out to make coffee is one of the only acceptable breaks from work and life when working at home. We’re heading out to harvest the beans soon and don’t expect to see us back any time soon.

If the excess of coffee has you wired, stressed and barely sleeping, then you are almost caught up with the rest of us. The alertness that coffee brings will make you better able to ignore the news and win the battle at the supermarket for precious supplies. It’s such a good thing you emptied out all those cupboards in 2019 as part of the last craze, isn’t it? There’s now more space for coffee, toilet paper and alcohol. Once upon a time we only stockpiled work stationery at home.

We miss the barista who makes coffee near our office. We can’t wait to get back and rediscover her sparkle.

Thank God It’s Friday

The great thing about being at home is the ready supply of alcohol. Who knew we would miss the absence of anything like an HR team to stand in the way of our substance abuse issues? We find alcohol to be a barely acceptable coping mechanism at the best of times and its definitely a great anti-social lubricant for those in isolation.

With our global technology expertise, we have come to to an understanding that it’s always Friday somewhere in the world. So celebrate the sparkle of your work and enjoy your Friday. Tomorrow is another day of working from home on the weekend. The days do tend to blur a little online. Then again that might be the lack of sleep, stress and alcohol.

Wash Your Hands

Our legal department told us there had to be some useful advice somewhere in this article. Here it is: wash your hands. Wash them until they sparkle and keep doing it. Good luck and stay safe.

Pivoting in a Downturn

At CollabSystem, we have been reading the rush of new advice to founders on the money making opportunities in a downturn. We are always up for a quick buck so we thought we’d add our own perspectives and pleas for cash.

Firstly, ‪we apologise for all previous attempts to present a satirical alternative. We now realise reality has us beaten. Comprehensively. ‬Nobody could outcompete the absurdist reality. We were foolish to try.

However, disappointing performance and tough economic times are no reason to give up. We are all about the future of work and we know that the future is accountability free. Rather than face the harsh reality of our failure we will adopt the two key strategies for any startup in a downturn: pivot and raise money.

Many people with a lesser grasp of modern VC economics talk about recessions and hard times as time to get close to customers, improve economics and focus on fundamentals of execution. What terrible advice. Haven’t they heard of the importance of social distancing? We are desperately trying to get as far away from our teams and customers as possible. Only a pivot and new cash will truly enable that.

The Pivot

The key thing about our pivot is that it is not important we know where we are going now. It just needs to be different and involve exponential growth. We briefly considered a pivot to healthcare but we discovered it involves expertise, work and people, three of our least favourite things

We are still working on the exact execution but we now view our pivot as developing the best platform for the social transmission of information through networks. We believe there’s plenty of exponential growth left in rumours. we expect to be the least reliable most urgent source of news. We are currently analysing the viral characteristics of your second cousin’s Facebook feed, Fox News and 4Chan for insights to power our hockey stick growth. We’ve already noticed that each of these platforms has a heartening lack of accountability. Our kind of business.

The Cash

Any good hockey stick demands you focus on fund raising. creating the hockey stick in excel basically demands it. We can’t wait for the feature where as soon as you enter the assumptions in the spreadsheet the money arrives.

Anyway, we have dragged our founders out of their lassitude and have sent them out to do a dog and pony show with VCs. Unfortunately nobody gives you a meeting in this era of social distancing. In the old days people were nice to your face and said no later. Now they don’t even see your face.

As a result they are presenting online 24×7 in the vain hope money arrives, just like a presidential candidate and for about the same amount of money. If you wish to support our raise read our IM but more importantly click the donate now button or text ‘Take my Money’ to 13GONE4GOOD.

Digital Roshambo

As a kid you played it and as an adult you used it to solve intractable disputes, now CollabSystem enables you to solve your Digital Organisation challenges with Digital Roshambo. Bring the classic effectiveness of Scissors Paper Rock to bear on your next organisational change initiative. Master the jargon like the fanciest consultants.

We even incorporated advanced features to enable you to block others and accelerate your game.