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5 Things to Give up For Success

At CollabSystem, success is our obsession. We don’t waste our time on real world success. That is beyond our reach. We focus on the success described in self-help listicles. We wanted to share what we have learned in our obsessive pursuit of success.

Here is our list of the five things you need to give up for success:

  1. Hope: Success is like hell. You have to give up all hope of escaping from its clutches. Embrace the torment because the pressure to succeed is everywhere around you. Success doesn’t allow for human emotion so give up hope now. If you surrender hope, then everything is upside.
  2. Sanity: Nobody who wants to succeed for success’ sake is sane. So admit that early and save the pretence. A strong dose of irrationality will do wonders for your pursuit of success. If you can become a fully fledged narcissist or psychopath, your success is nearly guaranteed.
  3. Human Relationships: Who needs others? Seriously. Who does? The hollowed accolades of success are surely enough (editor: Did you confuse hollowed & hallowed again?). Success is always measured at the expense of others. You will need to sacrifice others to succeed, so it’s better not to value them from the start.
  4. Spontaneity: Successful people wear uniforms, wake at 5am, follow strict routines, read for 5 hours a week and are disciplined. If success sounds like prison, that’s just its lack of spontaneity. Successful people never react, learn or act on a whim.
  5. Soul: We are not literally going to take your soul at a crossroad (though we hear good things about that path to success especially in music). You are just going to shed it as an useless appendage, like an appendix, as you ruthlessly fight your way to the top free from ethics, qualms or any thought for the future beyond success (For a minute, forget that the appendix has a role in the immune system). If you still had your soul, how could success feel so appropriately empty?

Give up these five simple things today and you can start your success journey. Otherwise just give up and enjoy life.

The Hottest New Cryptocurrency: Social Capital

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Why have money lying around when it can be flowing in your social networks?

The founders of CollabSystem had one of our bi-weekly strategy sessions recently. Late into the night we realised something extraordinary. We are rich. We can make you rich too. We can get even richer making you richer. If that isn’t a start-up minimum value proposition, what is?

Social Expectations of Value

When you think about it our traditional stores of value are pretty arbitrary.  Who says lumps of gold are worth even their production costs? It is not like the stuff is in short supply on this planet. If we didn’t dig it out of the ground to store it away as a store of value, it would be largely worthless. The value is in the social expectation of value.

Through history we have attributed value in trade to all kinds of weird and wonderful things: tulips, shells, livestock, company stock, start-up options, and more. The value in each case is not inherent in the object. The value is in the social expectation of value.

Fiat currency is similar. We accept pieces of paper and digital records as reward for our work and in exchange for our goods because we think they are valuable. When fiat currency began it had to be backed by gold (See above). Now it is backed by nothing other than government promises of value.  Our belief in these promises is just a social expectation of value.

The ultimate proof of this proposition is cryptocurrency. We value cryptocurrencies because other people value cryptocurrencies. They are the ‘greater fool’ theory brought to life on a fancy blockchain ledger.  Even dogecoin the parody cryptocurrency is worth billions. We at CollabSystem are very jealous of any rich parody founders.

Converting Social Capital to Value

If social expectations of value is the foundation of value, then to get rich we need to hack these foundations. At CollabSystems, hacking the foundations of something critical is our bread and butter.

CollabSystems is beginning a big development project today to convert social capital to value. The Kardashians may have proven you can get rich by acting rich and being followed by a lot of people. CollabSystem wants to extend the value of social capital to everyone.

No longer will conference organisers promising to pay you with exposure leave you hungry. No longer will your boss and colleagues empty words of recognition leave you with the power cut off. No longer will the hours of thought leadership on social media be such a complete wasteful time suck.

CollabSystem is declaring today that Social Capital has value. Social capital is the ultimate social expectation of value. You are rich, powerful and influential because other people think you are. Now we just need to convince the rest of you to believe it. We think this should be easy. If you do start to value social capital, you will be rich.

PS If you would like more Social Capital, we are happy to give you some in exchange for any hard goods, fiat currency or gold (Cryptocurrencies excluded).

HandBaskets

Despite recent research proving beyond doubt social media’s calming effect on geopolitical and racial tensions, CollabSystem is not convinced and is launching a campaign to equip as many people as we can with HandBaskets.

Helena Basquette, CollabSystem’s head of wicker weaving, described the move as a reaction to the non-eventful world of social media:

It used to be that Twitter was a place of bullying and outrage, a wild west of bots and hate speech. People have wised up to that and now simply ignore it. All I see these days are random acts of kindness towards minorities and the underprivileged. There’s so much compassion, it’s enough to make you feel ill.

HandBaskets will be distributed at yoga studios across the country, starting tomorrow.

What’s a HandBasket?

A HandBasket is a basket, typically made from a sustainable crop, which can be used to transport groceries and other items. It was first invented as an alternative to the single use plastic bag, which has effectively been eradicated worldwide.

CollabSystem’s HandBasket takes the functional and turns it into a powerful weapon against progress. Unlike regular handbaskets, Helena has incorporated hidden compartments for mace and tinfoil hats to protect against assault and mind control. What looks like an unassuming effort to save the planet from plastic waste is actually a self-contained defense arsenal. HandBaskets sold in Montana also have a compartment for an open carry firearm (batteries sold separately).

Each HandBasket comes complete with two tinfoil hats, one for you and one for a friend. Random HandBaskets also come equipped with tiny hats, suitable for infants and children. Please fit your own hat before assisting others.

Each HandBasket also comes supplied with your own PPH (personal portable hell) in the form of an inbuilt wireless speaker with an eternal subscription to satellite talk radio.

A Return to Doomsday

It is hoped that the widespread use of HandBaskets, particularly by comfortable middle-class citizens of wealthy countries, will bring about a return to the traditional polarizing effect of social media on the world. Not longer can people support altruistic and humanitarian causes without being shamed by their neighbors. Not to mention, they’ll probably be on the receiving end of some HandBasket pepper spray.

Once CollabSystem injects some hate speech on social media through HandBaskets, nothing can stop this snowballing out of control and bringing about a return to untruth, deception, schadenfreude and bigotry that Twitter was originally designed for.

If not, we’ll have wasted a lot of money buying baskets from sweatshops in developing countries.

Photo Credit: Wikipedia.

The New CollabSystem Enterprise Collaboration Model

Many of our clients have complained that our original collaboration model was too liberal and posed unacceptable risks of effective collaboration in their organisation. We are still struggling to work out how they identified that.

However since the launch of Vault, CollabSystem is the global leader in high security collaboration platforms. As a result we have updated our collaboration model to reflect client demands.

The new model focuses on the core demands of effective collaboration platforms for senior executives, corporate comms, HR and IT Security. Based around four simple verbs, this model delivers risk free effective collaboration for any organisation. The phases of the model are:

  • Monitor: it is essential that every single conversation and action on the network is reviewed for risk. Data must be captured on all platform activity. Monitoring is the basis for effective punishment and deterrence. Importantly heavy monitoring will enable the creation of creepy compliance oriented gamification.
  • Delete: the next phase after Monitoring is Deletion. As a network matured and conversation volumes increase, it is important to maintain a chilling volume of message deletion. In addition to deleting any messages containing blacklisted words, banned topics, reference to business information, client details, competitive intelligence, IP, documents, gossip, negative tone, comments about executives, strategy or major change initiatives, we recommend deletion of random messages as a reminder of the power of compliance.
  • Exclude: the next phase of maturity is to begin to boot users who have violated the policies had excessive number of messages deleted or who seem to be enjoying collaboration too much. Get them off the network and back to work.
  • Deny: the final maturity phase is Denial. Not every network comes with Vault’s level of security. However we recommend a complex 4-factor identification model as the final phase of platform maturity. At this point, when your users will have beaten the restrictions and still are collaborating effectively you can deny them access to the platform with a complex security requirement that nobody can satisfy.

The power of this heavy handed model of collaboration is that it helps set a strategy for collaboration in your organisation and also guides your teams on what to do with your collaboration network. Also this highly restrictive approach means people will likely not use your system, enabling you to save costs in the long run. With the CollabSystem Enterprise Collaboration Model you can be sure your employees will be effectively collaborating on a WhatsApp chat group somewhere beyond your control.

Data Doomsday Clock

For those who can’t afford a CollabSystem Vault, we recognize you’re between a rock and a very hard steel door. While some companies that invented universally beneficial technology have given it away for free, our private equity backers have vetoed any further giveaways. With that in mind, we’ve taken the dubious moral middle ground and created a second-best alternative for the cheapskates.

Whether your company hasn’t got the time to read our PCI-DSS compliance statement, or you just can’t afford the eye-watering cost of CollabSystem Vault, the new Data Doomsday Clock is for you. Specifically designed for companies with an advanced understanding of risk management and mitigation strategies (yes, surprisingly that’s you!), the Data Doomsday Clock gives a precise estimate of the date and time when your precious customer data is next going to be sold on the dark web.

After all, risk management isn’t just about eliminating risk. In business we know we have to take calculated risks. When you introduce a new product, you’re taking risk. The product might sell, it might not. Just ask the Pinto team at Ford, they were the masters of risk management. If your company has the sophisticated understanding of risk management that we think you do, your primary response to any sort of catastrophe will be “our Twitter account was compromised, we’re on hold with tech support and our call is very important to them”.

As we all know, data breaches are not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Traditionally it has been difficult to pinpoint the exact circumstances when your impenetrable security measures will fail. With all the will in the world, some idiot stuffs up the whole system with something like the Heartbleed Vulnerability. It wasn’t your fault, and you can’t even blame your most trusted technology partner for those.

Data Doomsday Clock eliminates 98% of that vulnerability by providing you with an alarm clock which is precisely tuned to the exact time when your system will be compromised. This takes all of the unknown unknowns from the equation. Rather than sitting at your desk waiting for that day to come, you can relax on a Caribbean Island safe in the knowledge that your next data breach won’t occur for another 15 days, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 23 seconds. Or 21 seconds by the time you read this.

As a foundation customer, you will be exempt from a barrage of “special offers” to upgrade to CollabSystem Vault, the frequency of which only increases as the clock nears zero (as does the price). In fact, as one of the first 10 customers of Data Doomsday Clock, CollabSystem will even guarantee that your systems will be compromised at the specified time. Trust us.

Announcing Vault – Securing the Digital Workplace at any Cost

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The modern digital workplace is a place of risks, fear and crime. Every day malicious hackers, lazy employees and negligent executives are stealing your data, your money, your time and your stationery. As a responsible global technology vendor, CollabSystem is determined to address the vibrant criminal enterprises threatening the future of your digital workplace and the lifeblood of your organisation. To adresss these fearful threats, CollabSystem are pleased to announce Vault, the perfectly secure digital workplace.

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Vault is the first perfectly secure digital workplace. CollabSystem can assure the safety of Vault because it is entirely free of human users. Instead of weak human passwords, Vault is secured by 12-inch thick steel doors. No need to worry about hackers, Vault is completely isolated from the internet by an air gap of 12 feet, 12 inches of steel, a metre of reinforced concrete and a kilometre of bedrock. Vault does not rely on fragile two-factor authentication, instead there is simply no access. After setup of your Vault, we destroy the keys, seal the locks and erase all trace that Vault was ever created. With Vault you will never need worry about a loss of data or productivity in your digital workplace. Despite the intense security and prevention of user access, our data shows Vault user adoption is indistinguishable from average digital workplace adoption.

Surveillance

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For the truly paranoid, Vault is also available with a total surveillance module. Vault’s Surveillance module uses sophisticated AI, complicated camera arrays and Facebook quiz to monitor your employees frustration as they totally fail to access Vault. You will have terabytes of video and other data that you will never examine that confirms that no criminal and nobody else ever access your digital workplace illegally or in any other way.

At Any Cost

We know security matters a lot. That’s why we charge a lot. Like other high end security systems, we know once we have you afraid then price is no object. We’d hate to underquote your safety.

Our price is so high we can’t say it out loud. We print it on a fine card stock in gothic font. Call us for an appointment for a confidential quote.

Executive Collaboration

John is foreman material. He decided to stand in front of Jane who we were trying to photograph.

Many senior executives have unique needs in a collaboration. CollabSystem is proud to announce its new toolsuite, Executive, all the tools that a modern executive needs to survive in a modern enterprise social network.

Taking the Executive out of Executive Collaboration

Executive has been developed as a result of extensive consultation with senior executives. Actually, they couldn’t make any time to discuss their needs in collaboration but we did get to talk to their assistants a lot trying to set up a meeting. We based our design on conversations with people from HR, Technology and Employee communications who pretended they knew what senior executives need.

Our goal in launching Executive was to ensure that executives could participation in collaboration solutions with minimum inconvenience and to achieve maximum value. We also wanted to support community managers struggling to get executives engaged with a new set of tools to lower the bar on executive participation. We don’t think we could have got the bar lower without digging.

Our design goal is simple. We take the executive out of executive collaboration. Now all those executives who don’t want to participate in their organisations collaboration initiatives get their wish.

Features

They key features of Executive are:

  • Video: Executives love video, especially video of themselves talking. Nobody can ask a question of a video and there’s no way you can be interrupted by a difficult idea.  Our proprietary software renders a video of the executive standing in a randomised corporate location spouting management speak.  This advanced AI requires no participation of the executive and has been proved in testing to be indistinguishable from the empty rhetoric of a live executive video.
  • Posting Bot: This algorithm will post and like messages on behalf of the executive using exercpts of the executive’s Linkedin profile, business financial plan, family Facebook profiles, calendar, and email as source material.
  • Puppet mode: Puppet mode gives the HR and Employee Communications professionals complete control of the executive’s social profile, posting and even the Video tool to enable them to author authentic simulcra of executive communication.
  • Log rolling: If multiple executives have the Executive tools enabled the solution will ensure that these executives consistently praise each other and support each other’s posts. HR and Employee Communications executives will be able to trigger the virality option in log rolling to use this feature to ensure messages dominate community discussions.
  • Diversity Enhancement: With the simple flick of an admin toggle, HR and Employee communications professionals can switch the gender, sexual orientation and background of executives without requiring the incovenience of change in exective positions or the cost of new hires. The Executive tool will deliver the appearance of both diversity and closing any pay gap simply by flicking this switch. Most importantly the Executives in question will never know that their appearance has been changed as this change will not be visible on their account.
  • Empathy Algorithm: The empathy algorithm will optimise any actual posts of an executive to demonstrate actual human empathy. The algorithm is also responsible for corporate message alignment and any compliance or exception approvals for the executive to open their mouth online.
  • Ego booster: The Executive tools will also ensure that executives posts dominate the feed algorithm, receive sufficient likes and that flattering messages are posted as replies by other employees.
  • Cardboard cutout: A free cardboard cutout of the executive will be provided for use in offline collaboration.

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With Executive mode, people will know your CEO is a dog-lover, but nobody need know that your CEO is a dog

The CollabSystem Collaboration Model

A lot of nonsense has been shared by consultants, management gurus, and thought leaders on effective collaboration.  At CollabSystem we have learned from all of it.  That’s why our product solutions represent the one product you need to buy to achieve effective collaboration in your organisation.

Given the large number of models of collaboration in the marketplace, some of them even effective and credible, we have been asked often ‘What is the CollabSystem model of the human behaviour of collaboration?’

The CollabSystem Model of Collaboration

We know human beings are complex and they get more complex when you connect them in networks so we at CollabSystem know that no simple model will result in hours of mystification, total unpredictability and complete lack of science required to meet our customers’ needs.  At CollabSystem we never believe in saying something with four small words that we could say with lots of long and complex jargon. We know that the most complex diagrams generate the most interest.

It is with these key dynamics in mind that we share with you today our complex jargon-rich and consultant-speak model of Effective Collaboration.

Transhumanism

We belive we have captured all the key elements of Collaboration in our model.  We know this because we stole them from lots of other people’s models and roughly mashed them together. We added lots of big words too. Some of which we barely understand. You should have seen how much stuff we had on our CollabSystem Wall as we developed this.

FAQs for the CollabSystem Collaboration Model

Q: Can I use the model?

A: Please download this image and share it in all your presentations of Collaboration. It is not essential that you understand the model or be able to explain it. You are looking to achieve in your audience that magical experience of an exclamation of “Ah, Science!”

Q: What do organisations think of the model?

A: Because your organisation will find all its favourite buzzwords, they will find further validation of whatever approach they are currently.  If they do challenge the model, you can simply reply “It’s not my model. Ask CollabSystem.”

Q: How do I use the model?

A: Whenever anyone asks for the logic behind your purchase of a CollabSystem solution, just show them our Collaboration Model. Most of the time they won’t even dare ask a question. If people do ask ‘How do I use the model?’, we have an expensive suite of consulting services that will confuse them so much that they will forgot the question they asked in the first place.

Q: Which organisations have used the model?

A: Yours

Q: Will the model guarantee effective collaboration in my organisation?

A: That is not the point of the model. The purchase of CollabSystem’s products is the only thing that guarantees effective collaboration. The model is to make it easier for you to buy our product.

Q: What is the science behind the model?

A: We find science interferes with faith-based technology implementations.

Q: Couldn’t the model be more complex?

A: It is. This is just the two-dimensional representation of a four-dimension space known as the zone of zones. The topology of collaboration in four dimensions is an entirely different matter. The self-referential and adaptive reflexivity of this topology should be sufficient to address the domain specific issues of determinism while avoiding simplistic answers.

Q: What should I do next?

A:Buy now

Collaboration Bingo Button

In response to overwhelming demand for Collaboration Bingo, CollabSystem have launched a ready-to-use pack to make it easier to play than every before.

The pack includes:

  • 13,843 x Collaboration Bingo Cards (printed on 10gsm pre-curled baking paper)
  • 1 x Announcer Microphone (compatible with most emergency evacuation systems)
  • 1 x Bingo Button

The Bingo Button is an engaging way to alert everyone in your organisation that they’ve failed in their attempt to administer CPR to your otherwise lifeless collaboration agenda. The person who pressed the button is clearly the only person who has the mandate to use the word “innovation” in their job title, at least until the next major restructure.

We only include one button because we assume you’ve pre-arranged the winner of Collaboration Bingo. If you haven’t rigged the game, then to create the illusion of fairness we can temporarily supply you with an additional 13,842 Bingo Buttons to place strategically next to each Bingo Card. Take it from us, it’s much easier just to pick the winner in advance.

Along with Collaboration Bingo, we also offer Collaboration Battleship, where your CTO and CMO fight it out to torpedo the SS Disruption in a sea of otherwise hopeless initiatives.

 

 

 

Cards Against Collaboration

Sick of those personality cards handed out at every leadership seminar? Modern workplace tarot was always going to end in disaster. We always knew Trevor in accounts was an introvert. Surely?

Now you too can own your very own set of Cards Against Collaboration, the game sweeping conferences and other ridiculously-priced-sponsorship-opportunity-events around the nation.

The person who most recently reset their password to their payroll system goes first.

Then someone takes a beige collaboration card and places it in the middle of the table.

Each person then completes the sentence with a fuchsia-coloured panacea card. The colour combination is guaranteed to make anyone’s eyes bleed.

Hilarity then ensues. Amusing combinations such as:

Collaboration is … when we stop pushing the revolving door and a change champion runs headfirst into the glass with a full tray of coffees.

Innovation happens when … Felix, an otherwise well-trained dachshund, answers nature’s call on the fake grass in the innovation lab.

The winner of each round is the person who’s combination convinces the CEO to launch a new initiative.

Cards Against Collaboration is available in-store and online from all good innovation labs.