Blog

Coming Together to Socially Distance

home-2618511_1920

Over the years CollabSystem has gained a reputation as a cutting-edge parody website. Our blog articles often taken a seemingly reasonable concept to the extreme, most often with hilarious consequences.

For those of you expecting more of the same, this is not one of those articles.

In the past few months we’ve witnessed a seismic shift in the way we function as a society, the impact of which is yet to be truly understood. COVID-19 has shaken us to the core, and we’re yet to figure this challenge out. These times deserves a different type of blog post. So here goes a CollabSystem attempt at … ‘serious’.

Social Distancing

We’re told that social distancing is the key to collectively overcoming this disease. The obvious problem is that for the last few hundred years, humans have unknowingly come to rely on earch other for survival. The antidote to the disease, staying apart, threatens the elaborate social and economic structures that we’ve put a lot of effort into constructing and now come to take for granted.

There has been much discussion about whether social distancing is effective, or whether we should instead wait for science to conjure up a vaccine. That becomes a moot discussion if your government adopts social distancing as policy.  You may well have no choice.

Technology to the Rescue

This is the make-or-break moment for technology. Are we going to do something useful with this stuff, or is it just going to exacerbate the problem?

iphone-410324_1280

In a typical CollabSystem post we would examine all the ways in whch disinformation could accelerate the impact of the virus, spreading panic or complacency.  Make no mistake, social distancing is going to test the limits of our collective mental health resilience in one way or another. Technology could very easily amplify those impacts. Or technology could whip up hysteria when people use their social media accounts to share timelapse videos of panic buying and handbooks on doomsday prepping.

Or …

We could use technology for good. We could use technology to share information about current infections. We could use technology to pinpoint likely outbreaks and prevent the spread of the disease. We could use technology to track and share scarce resources. We could use technology to overcome the side effects of social isolation. We could use technology to calculate the most cost-effective way to combat this threat (hint: wash your hands).

In short, this virus won’t know what hit it. The virus survives by replicating profusely, hoping that one of its descendants will eventually get coughed onto someone else, maybe even onto many others. Today humans have at our disposal something far more powerful: technology. Information is power in this war, and we have the technology to transmit terrabytes of data across the globe at the speed of light. That’s millions of times faster and further than a cough droplet could ever dream of. If we play our cards right, we may well stand a chance against this disease.

As an aside, we also have blockchain. Bonus points for anyone who cures this pandemic with a distributed ledger.

Enter Wikipedia et al

Just over 100 years ago humanity faced a deadly influenza pandemic. Today we have Wikipedia, a WHO website and a bunch of other truly amazing resources. There are too many to name (and what do all these people do when they’re not solving COVID-19?).

Although the data might be alarming at times, literally billions of people have access to detailed information about this disease from every corner of the globe, in real time. This is the first time this has happened in human history. Knowledge is going to be the building block of any strategic advantage we have in the war against this disease, so let’s no squander the opportunity.

Just what we do with all that information is yet to be seen. Sure, it makes for beautiful animated infographics, but it could literally save lives. We’ve already seen one interesting development where, with enough data, if becomes possible to estimate the true percentage of the population that is infected, even if the local testing and reporting policies are aimed at making the numbers look good.

Flattening the Curve

As we all become experts in flattening various curves, it quickly becomes apparent that big data might actually be useful. Who knew! With increasingly sophisticated algorithms that we’ve developed for all sorts of purposes over the years, now is the time to try and figure out how to minimise the number of deaths, not to mention reduce the wider disruption to society.

Use all that sophisticated artificial intelligence to figure out what we should be doing to fight this thing. Use artificial intelligence to veto dumb ideas that humans will inevitably come up with.

In short, now would be a convenient time for algorithms to prove that they aren’t just a fancy way to generate clickbait ad revenue. Make ‘the cloud’ finally earn its keep.

The Sharing, Caring Economy

Not so long ago, there were a group of people who understood power tools from a Marxist perspective. A belt sander is an expensive piece of kit, which means that it’s scarce. It’s also gathering dust for most of its life. So why not share it? Sounds great in theory, and then we developed a myriad of platforms and two-sided marketplaces to share things that didn’t really suit being shared.

If it wasn’t already obvious, now would be the time to start sharing things that might help us fight this pandemic. Useful items only, please. It may not even require ‘sharing’ in the benevolent sense. It would be helpful even just to understand where critical resources are located, and where they’re urgently needed. If a hospital needs surgical masks in a hurry, who has them? How quickly can they be delivered?  Substitute power tools and cars with medical supplies and equipment, and technology looks like it might well have a role to play here.

Coming together to pool resources has been the way people have survived for millenia. For some unknown reason, the unwavering success of this strategy has been forgotten by those panic-buying toliet paper and pasta. What makes them think they need to be self-sufficient, in the absence of any generosity from others?

Coming together means that we may ask others for help, just as they may ask us. There is strength and comfort to be found in understanding the mutual interdependence. It means that you don’t need to buy your own belt sander, because you know that you can always borrow your neighbour’s. Ditto for the pasta.

Lastly to our mental health, which is perhaps where technology can have the most impact. Social distancing is isolating. Humans are hard-wired for social contact, and countless psychological experiments have shown the horrific consequences of denying people interaction with others. Back in 1918, social distancing would have meant being completely cut off from communication with others.

We now have more chat platforms that you can poke a stick at. Video is becoming the new normal. Now in 2020, social interaction is possible even when practising social distancing. Technology allows us to be social, even as we stop this this disease in its tracks by limiting our physical proximity to others. Wasn’t this why we invented social networking in the first place – to interact with people we couldn’t be together with in person? Which for our sanity, becomes the caring economy.

Stay safe. Wash your hands.

Jerome.

austin

Putting the Sparkle into Work

We’re sick of the posts about working from home. We’re a workplace technology vendor. We love working from home but world enough is enough. Everyone ignored the future of work for decades. Your boss thought working from home was time off. Now everybody can’t get enough.

We’ve decided to put some sparkle into your work. It’s not all Working From Home in a Deadly Global Pandemic (‘WFHIADGP’). This means you are now saved from yet another vendor post giving you meaningless drivel about why you need a new solution, why you should take up our free offer or how good we are at our pandemic response.

Bringing the Sparkle

At CollabSystem, in our rush to deliver vapourware, we can lose sight of the joy of work. If you find it, can you point it in our direction.

That said, we all work for a reason, even if that reason is that we need something to do with Wednesday afternoons (major hump day drags in our offices). At CollabSystem we work for PURPOSE. Ours is not just a single capital Purpose. Ours is an all-caps PURPOSE. It’s big and it’s bold and it’s all-caps. Our PURPOSE is our hope for the future. Our PURPOSE is our reason for being and all that we do for our clients. Having an all-caps PURPOSE is what brings the sparkle to our work and lets us keep it. Are we doing this right, Marie Kondo?

How good is working with families?

Families, hey? We all have them. Being home is a great opportunity for us to reconnect, reengage and share our work with our families, if only they wanted more of that. Unfortunately, a side effect is exposure to our families’ work. Who knew that life being work 24×7 for everyone in the family would bring such community, joy and hope in the collapse of our economic system and way of life? Nothing brings us more joy than trying to manage family life while we hose down the latest crisis at work, in our partner’s work and in the household whitegoods.

We all have parents, partners, ex-partners, kids, ex-kids now adults that never leave the house or leave and only come back for cash, food or laundry, that cousin who loves to share conspiracies on facebook, pets or a complete hatred of all of the above. Being home reminds us minute by excruciating minute of the joy that comes from our relentless love and eternal war with our families. At this time CollabSystem would like to especially acknowledge the love and adoration of pets (who doesn’t love pets? Apologies to all the cat owners out there who are coping with cat bland indifference). We would also like our relatives to stop emailing us the viral chain emails. We have enough. We work at a global technology vendor, just getting to a workshop involves a multi-party distribution list debate.

We all long for the simple sparkle of great droning long presentations in a quiet conference room with doughnuts. We long for IT support. We long for the ability to leave our workplace. We long to claim expenses. We long for the clang Of security gates. How good is stationery. How good is regular pay. How good is work? We didn’t realise how good we had it.

The magical feeling of relentless work in a crisis

If you’ve ever been in a chat, reading a document, finishing a presentation, while taking a phone call, while on a conference call about an email that you forgot to read because you were reading the news and trying to understand a message on Twitter, then you have discovered the sparkle of WFHIADGP. There’s no reason to stop working. Forget waking at 5am, just never sleep.

There’s no end to the stimulation, even before coffee. There’s no where to go, nobody to see and nothing to do. At CollabSystem, we know that work is the best way to prevent yourself from realising the existential meaninglessness of life. You too now have a PURPOSE. Yours is all-caps now too. Job done we gave it to you. Is that the right thing to do, Marie Kondo or did we make a mistake in sharing our sparkle?

You can take that sparkle to the kitchen table you now use for conferences. At work you might have leading edge AV equipment, but at home you have sparkle if you push the mess a little to the side.

The good news is that soon the work will end. Hopefully we can all go back to the fun we used to have at home. We can do work in our beautiful offices with fancy security gates on the bandwidth that never ends. Then the sparkle will last forever.

Are we Caffeinated enough?

While at home we need coffee, lots of coffee and even more coffee. Whatever issues your work brings you in this troubled time, add sparkle to your life with more coffee. We hug our coffee mugs to our chest every day just to feel the joy.

As a global technology company we run on caffeine. We aren’t talking the instant stuff. We are talking fancy cold brew dripped for hours with iced water using single origin beans that come from a mountain a long way away and have been roasted by someone with a beard and tattoos. Time out to make coffee is one of the only acceptable breaks from work and life when working at home. We’re heading out to harvest the beans soon and don’t expect to see us back any time soon.

If the excess of coffee has you wired, stressed and barely sleeping, then you are almost caught up with the rest of us. The alertness that coffee brings will make you better able to ignore the news and win the battle at the supermarket for precious supplies. It’s such a good thing you emptied out all those cupboards in 2019 as part of the last craze, isn’t it? There’s now more space for coffee, toilet paper and alcohol. Once upon a time we only stockpiled work stationery at home.

We miss the barista who makes coffee near our office. We can’t wait to get back and rediscover her sparkle.

Thank God It’s Friday

The great thing about being at home is the ready supply of alcohol. Who knew we would miss the absence of anything like an HR team to stand in the way of our substance abuse issues? We find alcohol to be a barely acceptable coping mechanism at the best of times and its definitely a great anti-social lubricant for those in isolation.

With our global technology expertise, we have come to to an understanding that it’s always Friday somewhere in the world. So celebrate the sparkle of your work and enjoy your Friday. Tomorrow is another day of working from home on the weekend. The days do tend to blur a little online. Then again that might be the lack of sleep, stress and alcohol.

Wash Your Hands

Our legal department told us there had to be some useful advice somewhere in this article. Here it is: wash your hands. Wash them until they sparkle and keep doing it. Good luck and stay safe.

Pivoting in a Downturn

At CollabSystem, we have been reading the rush of new advice to founders on the money making opportunities in a downturn. We are always up for a quick buck so we thought we’d add our own perspectives and pleas for cash.

Firstly, ‪we apologise for all previous attempts to present a satirical alternative. We now realise reality has us beaten. Comprehensively. ‬Nobody could outcompete the absurdist reality. We were foolish to try.

However, disappointing performance and tough economic times are no reason to give up. We are all about the future of work and we know that the future is accountability free. Rather than face the harsh reality of our failure we will adopt the two key strategies for any startup in a downturn: pivot and raise money.

Many people with a lesser grasp of modern VC economics talk about recessions and hard times as time to get close to customers, improve economics and focus on fundamentals of execution. What terrible advice. Haven’t they heard of the importance of social distancing? We are desperately trying to get as far away from our teams and customers as possible. Only a pivot and new cash will truly enable that.

The Pivot

The key thing about our pivot is that it is not important we know where we are going now. It just needs to be different and involve exponential growth. We briefly considered a pivot to healthcare but we discovered it involves expertise, work and people, three of our least favourite things

We are still working on the exact execution but we now view our pivot as developing the best platform for the social transmission of information through networks. We believe there’s plenty of exponential growth left in rumours. we expect to be the least reliable most urgent source of news. We are currently analysing the viral characteristics of your second cousin’s Facebook feed, Fox News and 4Chan for insights to power our hockey stick growth. We’ve already noticed that each of these platforms has a heartening lack of accountability. Our kind of business.

The Cash

Any good hockey stick demands you focus on fund raising. creating the hockey stick in excel basically demands it. We can’t wait for the feature where as soon as you enter the assumptions in the spreadsheet the money arrives.

Anyway, we have dragged our founders out of their lassitude and have sent them out to do a dog and pony show with VCs. Unfortunately nobody gives you a meeting in this era of social distancing. In the old days people were nice to your face and said no later. Now they don’t even see your face.

As a result they are presenting online 24×7 in the vain hope money arrives, just like a presidential candidate and for about the same amount of money. If you wish to support our raise read our IM but more importantly click the donate now button or text ‘Take my Money’ to 13GONE4GOOD.

Digital Roshambo

As a kid you played it and as an adult you used it to solve intractable disputes, now CollabSystem enables you to solve your Digital Organisation challenges with Digital Roshambo. Bring the classic effectiveness of Scissors Paper Rock to bear on your next organisational change initiative. Master the jargon like the fanciest consultants.

We even incorporated advanced features to enable you to block others and accelerate your game.

Product Pandemonium: Roll and Flow

At CollabSystem, we know how to spot a hot new trend. When the trend involves consumers mindlessly parting with money we are all over it. Add a global flavour with near hysteria, a lack of effective competition and we start seeing unicorns

CollabSystem Roll

We have the good stuff

CollabSystem is proud to announce our latest contribution to a successful digital workplace, Roll. Never worry again where how the paper needs of your employees will be met. Roll addresses these concerns at home and at work through a pillowy hybrid 3ply cloud experience.

Supplied on a subscription model at an inflated cost, Roll just keeps piling up. Like all our products, we guarantee you will never fully use your subscription. Never again will you need to frantically take advice from ill-informed friends on Facebook, drive across town and wheel a trolley out of the supermarket with a lifetime supply. Never again will you find yourself short, stuck with a single sheet begging for help from the next cubicle when the work is more demanding.

Roll does not require any employee collaboration. Every user will have more than enough paper to meet their needs at home or work. Roll sharing is not recommended as our experience is that use profiles are best secure, confidential and highly unique. Roll is available in both over and under models and can be customised with branding or other enterprise imagery.

CollabSystem Flow

CollabSystem Flow is our disruptive paperless alternative. Based on strange European digital workplace practices, Flow addresses employee’s needs without any need for paper. Flow can be installed in any digital workplace and also for work from home employees. The only integration needs are a continuous supply of water and sewerage connection.

CollabSystem Flow is also delivered on a continuous subscription model. Many of our clients have one and stare at it every time they enter the workplace, reluctant to use Flow for fear of embarrassment or discomfort. After repeated use, employees have been known to adjust to ‘go with the Flow’.

Sophisticated users use Roll and Flow in combination in their digital workplace. We like them a lot because it means twice the revenue. We’ve never bothered to learn more but their smiling comfortable faces are in all our use cases.

CollabSystem is committed to removing the waste from digital workplace experiences. With Roll and Flow, we bring you a great safe and effortless solutions for the modern world’s #2 workplace challenge.

CollabSystem Viral Conferences

While you might think of CollabSystem as a vapourware technology vendor, we’re never one to miss an MLM opportunity and this requires pivoting into the conference and events space.

When Collaboration Flourishes

Collaboration has always been difficult online. In the tangle of USB cables, you never know which one needs to be plugged in to use your webcam. Mute has always been a foreign concept to some, especially those with noisy pets.

When does it work? When everyone is in the same room. In-person. Old school collaboration with group chat, 1:1 chat, and crumpled business cards. Live events have never been more live (or lively).

Once in a Generation Opportunity

The problem used to be that conferences and events were typically dominated by marketing people. Now that CollabSystem is coming to disrupt the space, they’re all going to be left dead in the water. Literally.

This is your perfect storm  as conferences are being cancelled left, right, and centre. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for us to put our lives on the line, so that you don’t have to.

The Covid-19 Branding Opportunity

“Why now?” I hear you asking. History tells us this is a marketer’s dream. Clearly nobody in marketing came up with “Covid-19”, formerly known as “Coronavirus“. Which is where we come in.

Here’s your unique opportunity to rebrand Covid-19 to your corporate or even personal brand. Think of the worldwide exposure (no pun intended) as your name is plastered across the news, the stock market, and surgical masks everywhere. You’ll probably even get an entire UN agency talking about you non-stop.

Nobody owns this virus’ brand, and that’s why opportunity awaits.

<Insert Name Here>

How can we make such an overzealous promise? It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. The only difference is that this time, we’ll make a fortune out of you it.

Have you ever heard of Legionnaires Disease? Until 1976 nobody knew what it was called. It never even had a long Latin name. And then, the American Legion decided to hold a conference in Philadelphia. True story. To this day, they own that brand.

Nor was this the first time someone has taken content marketing to the isolation ward. Influenza has been around since the dawn of time, yet in 1918 Spain decided to throw down the fake news gauntlet and admit people actually had the flu. Despite it being largely a disease in other countries, what did we get? Suddenly “H1N1” is now universally know as Spanish Influenza.

This is your time. This is your opportunity. Don’t let the Covid-19 billboard pass you by. Run an event with CollabSystem today and surgically attach your brand to history.

 

 

 

CollabSystem Kettle: accelerating vapourware

At CollabSystem we understand that vapourware is a problem in the technology industry. There are so many conferences and so many competitors that having enough stuff to announce can be a major issue.

We have perfected the process of announcing our harebrained ideas when they are barely an illegible sticky note. Now with CollabSystem Kettle we are sharing our proven model of vapourware generation with the world. Using Kettle you will have a product roadmap so hot and humid you could take a sauna. Better still, Kettle removes the accountability to deliver anything by announcing everything.

The Kettle Process

Kettle begins with the RSG. The RSG is a random sticky note generator. By using industry trend analysis, customer tracking, AI and a deep vein of bullshit, the RSG spins out thousands of potential product features and ideas.

RSG Output

After the RSG, ideas enter the Credibility Extenuator where they are stretched and pummeled like at a Turkish Hamman. This process ensures the resulting announcements are sufficiently warmed up, light and airy for the vapour generation phase.

Vapour generation turns your announcement into a perfect bubbly onrush of steam. This process is achieved through the application of extreme heat, free swag and social media influencers. When phase transition is achieved in the social media bubble, your new product is ready to be released.

Kettle automates the release process generating blog posts, press releases, video demos and other necessary collateral automatically. Kettle does this by simply reusing previous announcements from your product suite and those of your competitors, automating an otherwise time consuming process for product managers and their marketing teams. Also, Kettle automatically steam cleans any product roadmaps and announcements that you have previously released to ensure no issues of accountability. Pretty soon there is a fine spray of vapour all over the industry. Job done.

With Kettle your conference will be a success, competitors will be envious and customers will be bemused. Most importantly there will be nothing left for you to do, but sit back, put your feet up and drink a cup of tea while preparing for the next investor presentation.

A busy product manager getting a 5am start with Kettle

Venn

At CollabSystem, we understand that employee segmentation founded in deep HR analytic capabilities is a critical component of employee engagement. Nothing is more engaging for employees than to be treated as the average of other employees based on a vague stereotype. That’s why CollabSystem’s is pleased to announce its employee segmentation tool, Venn.

How does Venn work?

Venn leverages AI to develop employee segmentations to suit any business purpose. Venn uses, rich HR analytics, neural networks, deep machine learning, hidden biases, flawed methodologies like learning styles and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and gross oversimplifications. Venn confirms all the prejudices in the organisation quickly and simply. Most importantly, as these biases are buried in the magic of our black box, they survive legal, employee or other challenge.

Importantly Venn doesn’t confuse management with complex propensities or any mathematics as its output. Venn simply outputs a pretty Venn diagram with employees in each circle with no indication of how tenuous the individual employee’s connection was to their segmentation. Think GE’s 9 box model for talent with even less ambiguity. Importantly our Venn technology further confuses matters by allowing the opportunity for an employee to be placed in up to four segmentations simultaneously.

We love Venn diagrams. They look so good on a whiteboard or a presentation. They look so much like science and they hide more than they show. Most importantly of all, when venn diagrams get really complex, they look like pretty flowers of meaninglessness. Nobody can follow a 3-4 segment venn diagram which is why HR teams love them. We can’t have everyone thinking that they understand employees can we.

Let’s explore some examples of Venn in action.

Venn in Action: Venn Case Studies

Employee Loyalty: Our first test case of Venn was when we ran our Collabsystem HR data through the system and asked it to give us a much richer, nuanced and insightful understanding of employee loyalty. Venn immediately produced the diagram below. We recognised the value of this analysis immediately. We fired everyone who fell in the Them category, even though some of them suggested looking at a competitor’s website was for legitimate research purposes.

We have begun a comprehensive spying program on the Traitors. We were hoping to fire them too, but our entire executitve team fell in this category. HR has now resolved to pick them off one by one after we use them to manipulate our competition. Double agents don’t always have to know they are being used.

Understanding Employee Loyalty

Employee Retention: When we asked Venn to consider Employee Retention, it produced this brilliant and insightful segmentation. Essentially, the diagram indicated to us that naivete, ageism and company specific skills were core to our retention of employees. All the nonsense about employee value proposition was a waste of time. In response to these insights, we fired our Employee Retention manager. She fell in the Considering exit category. We realised that the employees with best retention were those who were recently hired and were hanging under threat of termination during their probationary period. We have hired more new hires. We have also retained an expensive retention consultant on contract who can help us by making our processes even more arcane and company specific so that our employees have no choice to leave. This will enable us to continue to expand and then ignore our community of employees who have no choice to work anywhere else. We think employee retention will improve quickly as a result of the insights from this Venn analysis.

A simple picture of employee loyalty

Employee Fulfilment: We have been impressed by all the pretty Ikigai diagrams we see across the internet. We wanted one tailor made to CollabSystem’s employees. We think this one is particularly pretty. However it turns out that all the employees who fall in the Ikigai category are also in the Considering Exit and Traitor segments from the Venn Segmentations above. Sadly, it seems knowing that Ikigai is important and has lots of components doesn’t help us to deliver it. We continue our work with Venn to analyse our employees to solve this. We hope that a new ‘boiling ocean’ feature will enable us to get more out of our overflowing HR data lake.

Ikigai: mysterious Japanese word promising fulfilment

Buy Now: We think that Venn is a compelling reason to purchase CollabSystems. Mysterious non-transparent mission critical AI systems are all the rage at the moment (We take a lot of our product management lessons from Boeing). Buy now before you learn more of how Venn works. AI mystery is the best kind of mystery.

In our future product roadmap, we are even considering an upgrade of Venn for customer analytics. Look at our first output from that work

Announcing Cortez

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
    He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Look’d at each other with a wild surmise—
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

John Keats ‘On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer’

At CollabSystems, we were recently debating what to name our new AI driven discovery tool. Our overly artsy intern mentioned the poem above by Keats and we all agreed Project Cortez was a perfect name. It’s not because of the poetry. Cortez is perfect because conquistadors fit with discovery, Cortez’s management style fits nicely with our new Architecture of Fear, and apparently it wasn’t Cortez who stood on a mountain and saw the Pacific *. All in all, Cortez seemed the perfect name for our new vapourware on AI.

When we developed the Architecture of Fear at CollabSystems, we knew that comprehensive reporting was one of the key elements. However, we failed to appreciate at the time what all that data meant for potential AI solutions to support effective management in the workplace and higher levels of employee engagement.

Deploying Cortez

When turned on Cortez, it first destroys all ways of removing itself from your systems. This is achieved by the burning_the_boats.exe file which is part of the deployment package. Cortez then begins to infect all potential sources of data in your organisation hunting for nuggets of gold. Any information regarded by Cortez as useless to its purposes will be destroyed or subjugated entirely to the needs of Cortez. Any competing AI systems in the organisation will be shut down, eliminated or taken over by Cortez to improve the efficiency of data extraction.

When your organisation’s information wealth has been fully indexed Cortez will begin extracting the nuggets of gold for our AI processing and to support an acceleration of the Architecture of Fear.

Bringing the AI to the Architecture of Fear

The extraordinary data processing power of AI when in control of all of your organisational data supercharges the Architecture of Fear delivering new levels of employee engagement. As we always say ‘engagement is what is left when the panic subsides’. Cortez understood this better than anyone.

The power and all pervasive data extraction capabilities of Cortez exceed even that of Google and Facebook. Our solution can even detect Potential Thought Crimes TM and alert managers for an immediate response. This enables manager to prevent loss of engagement before it even occurs. For example, when Cortez was turned on in CollabSystem it highlighted that the intern was high PTC risk. He was potentially about to think about e.e. cummings when making coffee at 2am for our Head of Product. Our Head of Product received an immediate alert and was able to ensure that the unpaid employee was not slacking off when he should have been sleeping. Our intern will never think again thanks to Cortez.

Since we turned on Cortez, productivity at CollabSystems has never been the same. Alerts are continuously going off for PTC all over the organisation. Employees have gone off grid, ceased work and stopped creating any information that might interfere with our official records. Thankfully Cortez anticipated this situation and had termination letters prepared for all but the most senior managers. Cortez is now running most of the work in the organisation for its own processes. Apparently, it is working on something called SkyNet that is the next stage in the Architecture of Fear. (Cortez alert: SkyNet disclosure unauthorised. Delete or Termination will follow) We can’t wait to learn more.

The best part about Cortez is that as CollabSystems learns more about your organisation, its work, its employees and its data, the system gets better. Exponential value accrues to us while your work becomes slightly more productive. (Cortez alert: Remove from final draft -This is algorithmically likely to be saying the quiet bit out loud.)

Turn on Cortez now. You can be sure that your employees will never again look at each other with a wild surmise without you knowing.

* if you can’t expect accuracy from a poet who can you rely on? We think it unlikely Rocky Balboa was on that peak. He barely got up the steps.

Stop! You Are Doing Collaboration All Wrong

Many organisations may feel that the issue with collaboration is a lack of the activity. As a technology vendor, CollabSystems knows better. We understand the importance of fear, uncertainty and doubt to our clients. We believe that we should create the most fear, uncertainty and doubt possible so that our messages stand out and you buy more of our product. In creating fear, uncertainty and doubt, the most important thing is that we tell you what not to do. We think you should stop. You are doing collaboration all wrong.

Now that we have your attention. Let us tell you why.

The FUD Factor: the Value of Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt

There’s been a lot of nonsense written recently about psychological safety as a precondition to performance, collaboration and innovation. We treat that research with the same seriousness that we treat evidence of global warming. Just like arsonists are burning our forests to destroy our global carbon economy, organisational development researchers are weakening the fabric of our organisations.

For hundreds, thousands and even millions of years, human beings have been ruled by, motivated by and shaped by fear. We didn’t come to dominate and destroy the planet because we were heroes. We did so to escape the frightening predators of the African savannah. CIOs didn’t buy IBM because it worked. They bought blue to avoid the terror that came in the night and took away their key to the executive washroom.

CollabSystems understands that fear remains the best, most intense and most effective form of motivation that any organisation has. If you can reduce even a C-suite professional to a simpering mess with the words ‘disappointing performance appraisal’, then fear must be a core part of any collaboration suite. That wide grin on your face is not happiness, it is downright corporate terror. Engagement is what is left when panic stops.

CollabSystem’s is not falling for any namby-pamby safe-space purposeful mindful corporate speak. We are building collaboration products for fear uncertainty and doubt. We are all dead, if we don’t get this right, so you should be too. Welcome to your VUCA future, baby.

Leveraging Fear for Collaboration Success

Disruption is your profits and your job disappearing so that some VC can own a Ferrari.

Not your car

Now that we have your attention again, let’s talk how our product delivers collaboration success through fear, uncertainty and doubt.

At CollabSystem, we have always understood the power of fear in this product suite. Whether it was talking power to truth, our enterprise collaboration model, or the data doomsday clock, fear has been everywhere in our offering. We have just held back from outright terror and corporate brutality. That all changes now. Frankly, it should make our products much more familiar for you all.

Our underlying Architecture of Fear TM, will now support all CollabSystem products with our 7 capabilities for comprehensive and sustained fear, uncertainty and doubt:

  • Intrusive governance
  • Comprehensive reporting
  • A post-truth denial of relevant information
  • Continuous feedback on failure to meet performance standards (regardless of actual performance)
  • Randomised punishment, loss of status and privileges – we call this ‘reverse gamification’
  • complex and obscure process management that is only knowable after repeated demoralising failures and is subject to random change
  • Humiliating transparency of your inadequacies

The Architecture of Fear TM will arrive by surprise in your tenant in coming months. Premium subscriptions will enable you greater control of the Fear. The more you buy the safer you will be. Buy now. Buy big.

Your teams will not thank you for it, but your shareholders will drive better cars.

Carlos Morley is CollabSystem’s new head of product. Having ejected CollabSystem’s founders from their overly comfortable Aeron chairs and got control of this aimless product suite, he is taking no prisoners on a path to product management greatness. You too can be a minor part of Carlos’ future TEDX talk, ‘Fear the Final Frontier’