Blog

CollabSystem: Talking Power to Truth Since 2017

Talking Power to Truth

Technology solutions can reinforce or overturn existing organisation power structures. CollabSystems are proud to have been talking power to truth since 2017. In our view, every power structure is one we are happy to reinforce. This is especially the case because we find power structures pay our invoices more promptly and in larger denominations than rebels.

Freedom of communication, freedom of association and freedom of action all might sound good in some utopian fantasy of the workplace (Hi Teal, it’s great you are here). However, every senior leader and their juntas in compliance, risk, HR and technology know that the best workforce is a quiet workforce. Our organisations don’t need more truth and action. They need efficient silence.

Leaders of today’s organisations need tools that enable them to speak power more effectively to the burgeoning sources of truth. Old fashioned brutality is out of touch in this era of social justice, employee engagement and community expectations. Organisations need systems that replace visible force with the creeping fear of an effective secret police.

Control of Rebellion

CollabSystem’s new Control module (TM pending) brings organisations a fully intimidating suite of crowd management solutions to ensure that power has an effective voice and truth is silenced.

  • Analytics: Every single action on the CollabSystem platform is analysed, tracked and reported to the junta. Dynamic keyword reporting will alert management to any nascent signs of truth and independent action.
  • Surveillance: Our intensive analytics are supported by fullscale surveillance. Our application turns on all video cameras and microphones of devices in which it is installed. Management will have access to all employees environments 24×7. Even outside the workplace conversations can be monitored.
  • Collaborators: Other platforms have champions. We have snitches who will use our snitching features to report their fellow employees to management.
  • Propaganda: Video, live events, images, wall-to-wall auto-posting of messages, automatic liking and imposter posting will enable a relentless power based display of positive messaging for all employees and easy tools for development of a cult of personality.
  • Silencing: Messages can be blocked, deleted and rewritten at will. Employees can be assigned to our gulag feature where they can no longer contribute to the platform as required.
  • Disappearances: In CollabSystem Control, an employee can be made to disappear with the touch of a button if troublesome. The fear for other employees when this happens is palpable.
  • Riot Control: At the flick of an option, leadership can display a full battalian of black suited helmeted and armoured enforcers and watercannons of trolling to intimidate rebellious users.

A CollabSystems organisation is a safer organisation for all leaders, juntas and traditional sources of power. We have been talking power to truth since 2017. We look forward to supporting your 1000 year reign.

Announcing CollabSystem Solo

CollabSystem is proud to announce the launch its latest contribution to the workplace of the future – CollabSystem Solo. For too long, organisations have made their collaboration focus the team, instead of the individual. For too long, organisations been destroying productivity by requiring employees to engage in work with others. CollabSystem Solo addresses these issues as the first individualistic collaboration tool built especially for the solo user.

The best form of collaboration is clearly an individual user working quietly and compliantly on their own. CollabSystem solo achieves this by taking each employees work and preventing them from engaging with other employees.

The other benefits of CollabSystem Solo are:

100% Adoption: With only one user, install the CollabSystem Solo client on the employee’s device and adoption is guaranteed

100% Relevance: 0% Noise: Every message, alert and action in CollabSystem Solo is generated by the user’s own work. Our ratio of alerts to user actions is at the higher end of the pain spectrum.

No Broadcasting: Nobody broadcasts only to themselves. At best that’s called ultra narrowcasting or narcissism.

Psychological Safety: If you aren’t safe with your own thoughts then CollabSystem can’t help you.

Bots: We don’t know why either, but people keep asking us for bots so we built lots of them to interact with the user in CollabSystem Solo. Bot interactions are almost human after all.

Complete User Analytics: The user will know everything about themselves at all times.

Private Mode: For even greater security (& a much greater price), all activity will be stored in the CollabSystem Vault where nobody, not even the user can access it. In this way, CollabSystem Solo reflects the most popular features of SharePoint and other solutions.

Dark Mode: Using the latest in smart IoT technology, CollabSystem Solo can control the lights in the employee’s environment, even when working remotely to ensure they always stay in the dark.

New Adoption Methodology: Reflecting the radical rethink of collaboration inherent in CollabSystem Solo we also pleased to announce a dedicated adoption methodology tailored to the CollabSystem Solo user. The Disconnect>Silence>Bots>Why Bother Doing Just Pontificate framework enables users to experience an isolation simulation of collaboration without any of the attendant issues of actual human interaction. Each user will feel like their own thought leader in CollabSystem Solo

Analytics

Dear Frank,

Thank you once again for purchasing CollabSystem’s analytics product, CollabaLytics. Your eye-watering invoice is attached. Yes, all those zeros are correct.

We had meant to present to your executive team about their use of enterprise social, but we no longer believe that to be necessary.

Below is your CEO’s network map. We don’t need to remind you that this is a pretty dismal performance in a network of 87,000 employees.

As you can see, explaining the diagram won’t take long. But we do have some questions about how he ended up following you. That connection was made with Firefox for Linux, and as far as we’re aware, your CEO struggles at the best of times to use his Windows PC or iPhone. Coincidentally, you post exclusively using that same version of Firefox for Linux.

So where did the money go?

A very good question. 98% of the number-crunching for your network, which you are paying for in this bill, was spent analyzing Grant from Accounts. He is by far your most prolific social networker. As an accounts payable trainee, we think it’s truly admirable that you’ve spent SO much money mapping Grant’s cat photo posts. Carbon neutral, of course.

We do have reservations about turning Grant’s experience into a case study. While privacy is absolutely our number one priority, running Grant’s messages through our sentiment analysis tool wasn’t pretty. You may wish to have a quiet chat to him about his opinions about his manager’s rampant favoritism, but you didn’t hear that from us.

If you can’t afford to pay the invoice, please call your Customer Success Manager to organize a payment plan.

Thanks,

Jerome.

 

 

 

 

CollabSystem Collaboration Packs

Delivering an effective collaborative workshop in an organisation can be hard work. CollabSystem makes it easy with the new CollabSystem collaboration packs. The CollabSystem collaboration pack takes away all the need to deal with messy and unpredictable humans.

The CollabSystem Collaboration pack is comprised of three elements:

1 Pre-prepared Flip Charts

Select your workshop topic and objectives and our digital AI will generate and dispatch to you pre-prepared flipcharts that look like the real thing. Because these flipcharts are meaningless, there’s no danger the workshop output will prevent you from proceeding as you intended anyway.

We have worked with graphic capture specialists to ensure your AI generated flipcharts will be better looking than in any other workshop. No longer will you have to spend the whole workshop scribing the discussion badly in illegible writing. No more worrying about pens that don’t work or how to spell synergistic. As the flipcharts are randomly generated there is no need to type them up afterwards. People describe the CollabSystem AI flipcharts as

‘Just as useful as the real thing but prettier’

2 Hundreds of Scrawled Stickynotes

No collaborative workshop would be complete without hundreds of barely legible and vague sticky notes. We deliver you a box full of these stickynotes for you to decorate the collaboration space that you are using.

We use the topic you identified when ordering your Flipcharts as a guide but know that sticky notes bear only a vague resemblance to the actual topic of collaboration. Therefore you will find your sticky notes include vague platitudes, references to successful companies and meaningless verbs to enliven any post workshop discussion. Many users have commented:

“It would have never occurred to us to mention Apple in our strategy session, but when we found that sticky note it all made sense’

3 Muffins

No collaboration workshop will succeed without a plate of slightly dry blueberry muffins to be served at a critical moment when the discussion becomes difficult. As we are enabling you to avoid all difficult and meaningful discussions, we include in the CollabSystem Collaboration packs, delicious blueberry muffins, guaranteed to stain your conference room carpet with the blue stains of effective dialogue and engagement. When they see the carpet spotted with stains and icing sugar on the clothes of invitees, everyone will know they have missed a great workshop.

A recent user of the CollabSystem Collaboration packs commented:

“When I drank the bitter coffee at the workshop, I had a doughnut shaped hole in my other hand. The CollabSystem blueberry muffin filled that hole and enabled me to say to my fellow participants ‘Mmmm, muffins'”

Collaborative Success without the Effort

Never again will your collaborative workshop require effort or the participation of humans. Never again will the feedback of stakeholders interfere with your plans.

Collaboration workshops can now be held swiftly and efficiently. Why not hold 30 workshops more today. With the Collaboration Packs, our trial clients report a workshop can be held in as little as the 5 minutes it takes to eat the muffins.

You can engage your stakeholders with ease with the Collaboration Packs from CollabSystem. Order today. The first 100 orders will receive a bonus participant visor to prevent unnecessary human eye contact.

5 Things to Give up For Success

At CollabSystem, success is our obsession. We don’t waste our time on real world success. That is beyond our reach. We focus on the success described in self-help listicles. We wanted to share what we have learned in our obsessive pursuit of success.

Here is our list of the five things you need to give up for success:

  1. Hope: Success is like hell. You have to give up all hope of escaping from its clutches. Embrace the torment because the pressure to succeed is everywhere around you. Success doesn’t allow for human emotion so give up hope now. If you surrender hope, then everything is upside.
  2. Sanity: Nobody who wants to succeed for success’ sake is sane. So admit that early and save the pretence. A strong dose of irrationality will do wonders for your pursuit of success. If you can become a fully fledged narcissist or psychopath, your success is nearly guaranteed.
  3. Human Relationships: Who needs others? Seriously. Who does? The hollowed accolades of success are surely enough (editor: Did you confuse hollowed & hallowed again?). Success is always measured at the expense of others. You will need to sacrifice others to succeed, so it’s better not to value them from the start.
  4. Spontaneity: Successful people wear uniforms, wake at 5am, follow strict routines, read for 5 hours a week and are disciplined. If success sounds like prison, that’s just its lack of spontaneity. Successful people never react, learn or act on a whim.
  5. Soul: We are not literally going to take your soul at a crossroad (though we hear good things about that path to success especially in music). You are just going to shed it as an useless appendage, like an appendix, as you ruthlessly fight your way to the top free from ethics, qualms or any thought for the future beyond success (For a minute, forget that the appendix has a role in the immune system). If you still had your soul, how could success feel so appropriately empty?

Give up these five simple things today and you can start your success journey. Otherwise just give up and enjoy life.

The Hottest New Cryptocurrency: Social Capital

gold-163519_1280

Why have money lying around when it can be flowing in your social networks?

The founders of CollabSystem had one of our bi-weekly strategy sessions recently. Late into the night we realised something extraordinary. We are rich. We can make you rich too. We can get even richer making you richer. If that isn’t a start-up minimum value proposition, what is?

Social Expectations of Value

When you think about it our traditional stores of value are pretty arbitrary.  Who says lumps of gold are worth even their production costs? It is not like the stuff is in short supply on this planet. If we didn’t dig it out of the ground to store it away as a store of value, it would be largely worthless. The value is in the social expectation of value.

Through history we have attributed value in trade to all kinds of weird and wonderful things: tulips, shells, livestock, company stock, start-up options, and more. The value in each case is not inherent in the object. The value is in the social expectation of value.

Fiat currency is similar. We accept pieces of paper and digital records as reward for our work and in exchange for our goods because we think they are valuable. When fiat currency began it had to be backed by gold (See above). Now it is backed by nothing other than government promises of value.  Our belief in these promises is just a social expectation of value.

The ultimate proof of this proposition is cryptocurrency. We value cryptocurrencies because other people value cryptocurrencies. They are the ‘greater fool’ theory brought to life on a fancy blockchain ledger.  Even dogecoin the parody cryptocurrency is worth billions. We at CollabSystem are very jealous of any rich parody founders.

Converting Social Capital to Value

If social expectations of value is the foundation of value, then to get rich we need to hack these foundations. At CollabSystems, hacking the foundations of something critical is our bread and butter.

CollabSystems is beginning a big development project today to convert social capital to value. The Kardashians may have proven you can get rich by acting rich and being followed by a lot of people. CollabSystem wants to extend the value of social capital to everyone.

No longer will conference organisers promising to pay you with exposure leave you hungry. No longer will your boss and colleagues empty words of recognition leave you with the power cut off. No longer will the hours of thought leadership on social media be such a complete wasteful time suck.

CollabSystem is declaring today that Social Capital has value. Social capital is the ultimate social expectation of value. You are rich, powerful and influential because other people think you are. Now we just need to convince the rest of you to believe it. We think this should be easy. If you do start to value social capital, you will be rich.

PS If you would like more Social Capital, we are happy to give you some in exchange for any hard goods, fiat currency or gold (Cryptocurrencies excluded).

HandBaskets

Despite recent research proving beyond doubt social media’s calming effect on geopolitical and racial tensions, CollabSystem is not convinced and is launching a campaign to equip as many people as we can with HandBaskets.

Helena Basquette, CollabSystem’s head of wicker weaving, described the move as a reaction to the non-eventful world of social media:

It used to be that Twitter was a place of bullying and outrage, a wild west of bots and hate speech. People have wised up to that and now simply ignore it. All I see these days are random acts of kindness towards minorities and the underprivileged. There’s so much compassion, it’s enough to make you feel ill.

HandBaskets will be distributed at yoga studios across the country, starting tomorrow.

What’s a HandBasket?

A HandBasket is a basket, typically made from a sustainable crop, which can be used to transport groceries and other items. It was first invented as an alternative to the single use plastic bag, which has effectively been eradicated worldwide.

CollabSystem’s HandBasket takes the functional and turns it into a powerful weapon against progress. Unlike regular handbaskets, Helena has incorporated hidden compartments for mace and tinfoil hats to protect against assault and mind control. What looks like an unassuming effort to save the planet from plastic waste is actually a self-contained defense arsenal. HandBaskets sold in Montana also have a compartment for an open carry firearm (batteries sold separately).

Each HandBasket comes complete with two tinfoil hats, one for you and one for a friend. Random HandBaskets also come equipped with tiny hats, suitable for infants and children. Please fit your own hat before assisting others.

Each HandBasket also comes supplied with your own PPH (personal portable hell) in the form of an inbuilt wireless speaker with an eternal subscription to satellite talk radio.

A Return to Doomsday

It is hoped that the widespread use of HandBaskets, particularly by comfortable middle-class citizens of wealthy countries, will bring about a return to the traditional polarizing effect of social media on the world. Not longer can people support altruistic and humanitarian causes without being shamed by their neighbors. Not to mention, they’ll probably be on the receiving end of some HandBasket pepper spray.

Once CollabSystem injects some hate speech on social media through HandBaskets, nothing can stop this snowballing out of control and bringing about a return to untruth, deception, schadenfreude and bigotry that Twitter was originally designed for.

If not, we’ll have wasted a lot of money buying baskets from sweatshops in developing countries.

Photo Credit: Wikipedia.

The New CollabSystem Enterprise Collaboration Model

Many of our clients have complained that our original collaboration model was too liberal and posed unacceptable risks of effective collaboration in their organisation. We are still struggling to work out how they identified that.

However since the launch of Vault, CollabSystem is the global leader in high security collaboration platforms. As a result we have updated our collaboration model to reflect client demands.

The new model focuses on the core demands of effective collaboration platforms for senior executives, corporate comms, HR and IT Security. Based around four simple verbs, this model delivers risk free effective collaboration for any organisation. The phases of the model are:

  • Monitor: it is essential that every single conversation and action on the network is reviewed for risk. Data must be captured on all platform activity. Monitoring is the basis for effective punishment and deterrence. Importantly heavy monitoring will enable the creation of creepy compliance oriented gamification.
  • Delete: the next phase after Monitoring is Deletion. As a network matured and conversation volumes increase, it is important to maintain a chilling volume of message deletion. In addition to deleting any messages containing blacklisted words, banned topics, reference to business information, client details, competitive intelligence, IP, documents, gossip, negative tone, comments about executives, strategy or major change initiatives, we recommend deletion of random messages as a reminder of the power of compliance.
  • Exclude: the next phase of maturity is to begin to boot users who have violated the policies had excessive number of messages deleted or who seem to be enjoying collaboration too much. Get them off the network and back to work.
  • Deny: the final maturity phase is Denial. Not every network comes with Vault’s level of security. However we recommend a complex 4-factor identification model as the final phase of platform maturity. At this point, when your users will have beaten the restrictions and still are collaborating effectively you can deny them access to the platform with a complex security requirement that nobody can satisfy.

The power of this heavy handed model of collaboration is that it helps set a strategy for collaboration in your organisation and also guides your teams on what to do with your collaboration network. Also this highly restrictive approach means people will likely not use your system, enabling you to save costs in the long run. With the CollabSystem Enterprise Collaboration Model you can be sure your employees will be effectively collaborating on a WhatsApp chat group somewhere beyond your control.

Data Doomsday Clock

For those who can’t afford a CollabSystem Vault, we recognize you’re between a rock and a very hard steel door. While some companies that invented universally beneficial technology have given it away for free, our private equity backers have vetoed any further giveaways. With that in mind, we’ve taken the dubious moral middle ground and created a second-best alternative for the cheapskates.

Whether your company hasn’t got the time to read our PCI-DSS compliance statement, or you just can’t afford the eye-watering cost of CollabSystem Vault, the new Data Doomsday Clock is for you. Specifically designed for companies with an advanced understanding of risk management and mitigation strategies (yes, surprisingly that’s you!), the Data Doomsday Clock gives a precise estimate of the date and time when your precious customer data is next going to be sold on the dark web.

After all, risk management isn’t just about eliminating risk. In business we know we have to take calculated risks. When you introduce a new product, you’re taking risk. The product might sell, it might not. Just ask the Pinto team at Ford, they were the masters of risk management. If your company has the sophisticated understanding of risk management that we think you do, your primary response to any sort of catastrophe will be “our Twitter account was compromised, we’re on hold with tech support and our call is very important to them”.

As we all know, data breaches are not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Traditionally it has been difficult to pinpoint the exact circumstances when your impenetrable security measures will fail. With all the will in the world, some idiot stuffs up the whole system with something like the Heartbleed Vulnerability. It wasn’t your fault, and you can’t even blame your most trusted technology partner for those.

Data Doomsday Clock eliminates 98% of that vulnerability by providing you with an alarm clock which is precisely tuned to the exact time when your system will be compromised. This takes all of the unknown unknowns from the equation. Rather than sitting at your desk waiting for that day to come, you can relax on a Caribbean Island safe in the knowledge that your next data breach won’t occur for another 15 days, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 23 seconds. Or 21 seconds by the time you read this.

As a foundation customer, you will be exempt from a barrage of “special offers” to upgrade to CollabSystem Vault, the frequency of which only increases as the clock nears zero (as does the price). In fact, as one of the first 10 customers of Data Doomsday Clock, CollabSystem will even guarantee that your systems will be compromised at the specified time. Trust us.

Announcing Vault – Securing the Digital Workplace at any Cost

man-1675685_1920

The modern digital workplace is a place of risks, fear and crime. Every day malicious hackers, lazy employees and negligent executives are stealing your data, your money, your time and your stationery. As a responsible global technology vendor, CollabSystem is determined to address the vibrant criminal enterprises threatening the future of your digital workplace and the lifeblood of your organisation. To adresss these fearful threats, CollabSystem are pleased to announce Vault, the perfectly secure digital workplace.

safe-913452_1920

Vault is the first perfectly secure digital workplace. CollabSystem can assure the safety of Vault because it is entirely free of human users. Instead of weak human passwords, Vault is secured by 12-inch thick steel doors. No need to worry about hackers, Vault is completely isolated from the internet by an air gap of 12 feet, 12 inches of steel, a metre of reinforced concrete and a kilometre of bedrock. Vault does not rely on fragile two-factor authentication, instead there is simply no access. After setup of your Vault, we destroy the keys, seal the locks and erase all trace that Vault was ever created. With Vault you will never need worry about a loss of data or productivity in your digital workplace. Despite the intense security and prevention of user access, our data shows Vault user adoption is indistinguishable from average digital workplace adoption.

Surveillance

building-1839464_1920

For the truly paranoid, Vault is also available with a total surveillance module. Vault’s Surveillance module uses sophisticated AI, complicated camera arrays and Facebook quiz to monitor your employees frustration as they totally fail to access Vault. You will have terabytes of video and other data that you will never examine that confirms that no criminal and nobody else ever access your digital workplace illegally or in any other way.

At Any Cost

We know security matters a lot. That’s why we charge a lot. Like other high end security systems, we know once we have you afraid then price is no object. We’d hate to underquote your safety.

Our price is so high we can’t say it out loud. We print it on a fine card stock in gothic font. Call us for an appointment for a confidential quote.