A Red Banner Day for CollabSystem

 

Today is a Red Banner Day for CollabSystem with the launch of Total mode.

Collaboration has often been seen by organisations as a risky prospect where employees might engage in unauthorised conversations, share unauthorised information or take unapproved action. CollabSystem has finally solved this uncertainty for organisations with Total mode.

After extensive customer feedback and an exciting prospect in Pyongyang, we are proud to announce our latest suite of features for collaboration, Total mode. Total mode offers organisations unparallelled control over their employee’s collaboration and never before seen consistency in the approach to work and thought. With a simple flick of a switch in the admin panel of CollabSystem’s products, teams can experience the digital workplace of a totalitarian digital future.

The features that will be experienced by all users in Total mode include:

Handy Autocompletion: Suggested text will be prompted to users for all posts to ensure that they post in line with corporate culture, policies, standards, and brand voice. Organisations that want to be sure people post the right things can now rest assured. Pilot testing to date indicates that autocompletion dramatically reduces the likelihood of independent thought.

Authorised Images: Only authorised images will be able to be posted to the CollabSystem tool. All images will be drawn from the organisations content management system.  The system will come preloaded with fun corporate memes such as “I didn’t know it was so much fun to work harder”, “Rise to Greatness with Approved Thought” and “Smarter because I follow policy”.

Instant AI-powered ‘Community Management’: In the unlikely event that an employee is reckless enough to complete a message on their own, our bots will scan, correct and delete messages and users as required.

Total Reporting Suite: Every single keystroke and interaction in the system will be logged, recorded in real time and available for playback for eternity. Organisations will know with complete certainty every single detail of their employee’s relationships in the organisation. No document or post will ever be lost or deleted again.

Perfect Control Over Information: Our user profiles allow for granular control of users work, access to information and ability to share information. We can guarantee you that even your auto-complete and authorised images will only be seen by the right people. No information will enter or exit your organisation without your knowledge and control.

Integrated Consequence Management: In Total mode, community managers will no longer need to worrry about managing the consequences for employees of inadvertent, accidental or dangerous behaviour. Consequence management is totally integrated into the product. While we have found this has a chilling effect on iniative and action, organisational dysfunction, economic collapse, rebellion, and famine are thrown in for free as bonus extras.

[Insert Adjective] Leader Feature:  With this new mode, all employees will be required to read messages of dedicated executive team members, watch their videos and engage in team praise of the nominated executives in during ‘leadership jam’ sessions. All decisions by employees everywhere in your business will instead flow to the [Insert Adjective] Leader for action. Customers currently piloting this mode are experiencing minor lags of a decade for decisions.

One Monolithic Clunky Unresponsive Integrated Solution: Control mode will offer total integration across modules and only linear process controlled interaction patterns. Rules engines on each process will ensure that employees can only work as expected. To meet the expectations of clients who seek this mode we have downgraded the user interface, included extensive bugs and will fork this mode to ensure no further product upgrades are flowed to customers using this solution. The product you buy for total control will be exactly the same a thousand years from now, if your regime lasts that long.

Note: CollabSystem takes no responsibility for the response of the international community to the decision to implement Total mode. Customers implementing Total mode may experience exclusion, sanctions and other forms of condemnation. CollabSystem in no way recommends Total mode. Previous executive teams who have implemented Total mode have generally shortened their tenure and life, damaged their reputations and created extraordinary misery for their people.

For clients whose brand colors are not red, a full banner color picker is available in the admin panel. 

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