One of the most annoying aspects to being a technology consultancy is that a lot of what we do is ‘fluffy’. We freely admit that most of what we do isn’t tangible. Today that’s all about to change, as we launch the CollabSystem Wall™. The CollabSystem Wall® is a complete structural solution for your future workspace. It’s not some half-baked virtual technology construct.
You might expect us to have created a hyped-up, bandwagon analogy of a time-honoured architectural tradition, but instead we aim to delight our customers with their very own brick wall. Each CollabSystem Wall© even comes complete with real mortar! Wall construction has been a staple in establishing human civilisation – China, Mexico, Berlin, Jerusalem, Hadrian, Pisa, and Wodonga all putting their best plumb foot forward throughout the ages.
When you purchase a CollabSystem Wall (pat. pending), a skilled team of bricklayers will come to your office. In the case of remote workers or distributed teams, our team will even come to your employee’s home. Our bricklayers will quickly and efficiently construct a freestanding solid brick wall with a minimum of fuss. They will then clean up, and leave you with an almost-indestructible reminder of just how far we’ve come as a society since 7500BC when the first bricks were created.
The CollabSystem Wall℠ comes with a myriad of uses, echoing the multipurpose nature of the construction methodology. For starters there are literally a million ways you could decorate the wall. Apply plasterboard, cement render, plaster, paint, wallpaper, tile, faux fur, or any combination of those. Try your own combination of cornice, skirting board, architrave, and shadow line. Literally, the choices are endless. If you’ve empowered your workforce with Choice℠, employees can even request a different finish on each side of their Wall. We suggest you locate CollabSystem Walls so that their owners have to crane their neck awkwardly to see their wall. This encourages obsessively checking one’s own Wall, constantly aiming to be better than other Walls. This also maximises the amount of expensive real estate taken up by the excessively heavy Walls.
You’re then free to customise the CollabSystem Wall to drive business value. Add whiteboards, blackboards, shelving, hooks, plumbing, electrical, insulation – basically anything that your business needs to make the CollabSystem Wall your own. Anything but your corporate branding, which requires our prior written consent before applying. The beauty of the CollabSystem Wall® is that we don’t quite know what you want, which is why we have to come to your boardroom and deliver a well-rehearsed PowerPoint presentation on why all the effort you’ve invested in open plan offices, standing desks, and pentagonal meeting cubicles is about to be rendered* obsolete with the construction of many, many walls.
To achieve a truly Future of Work office, you’ll have to give everyone their own wall. Anyone on a talent program will require at least two patented CollabSystem Walls, letting everyone who passes by know how special they are. Important managers will want at least four CollabSystem Walls© arranged in a quadrilateral pattern to give a retro 1950s office feel. Those who sometimes work from home will be relieved to now find a permanent masonry reminder of their workplace in their bathroom, meaning no end to the nightmare of work. For permanently distributed teams, all CollabSystem Walls are finished in an identical military green camouflage pattern, uniting the team towards a common enemy as they gaze horrifically at a newly-built brick wall from their kitchen.
The CollabSystem Wall is expected to be the first in a long line of construction-related products. Not content with just bricks and mortar, expect to hear rumours of CollabSystem stockpiling large amounts of steel to construct real-life silos to separate business units later this year. Once silos have been rolled out, CollabSystem will attempt to train a team of pandas to lay bricks, creating the world’s very first CollabSystem Chinese Wall©.
* “Rendered” (as a double entendre) is used under licence from MySpace Inc.