CollabSystem Chat GPZ

Want to jump on the AI bandwagon without really knowing where it’s going? Have you ever wanted to stake your career success on something that’s never been out of beta? If so, CollabSystem Chat GPZ is for you.

We don’t quite know what it’s used for. And neither do you. But that’s ok – we’re on this ride together. Such is the power of partnership with a crazy number of CPU cores.

Inspired by Chat GPT, CollabSystem has done one better and trained our system on not only publicly available information, but also your company’s intranet and your phone’s WhatsApp chat history with Sophie from sales.

Rigorous training with these private repositories of information give CollabSystem Chat GPZ the edge over competitors like Chat GPT. We’ve been getting up at 4:45am every morning just to train GPZ, and the benefits are starting to show.

It’s so good that we don’t actually have any information about the product to give you. We don’t give you a capability matrix, use cases, and best practice case studies because it’s somewhat obvious what the product does. You chat with it. Surely you don’t need a screenshot to explain how chat works?

From there, the world is at your feet. Use it to chat with customers. Use it to chat with internal stakeholders. Use it to create meaningless but believable words, anywhere ‘words’ are required.

The best part is that you can use Chat GPZ to save yourself from the monotony and hilarity of responding to other people’s chat bots. If you think Sophie from sales has replaced herself with Chat GPT, why are you spending your time chatting with a computer? Let “Sophie” and Chat GPZ hurl insults at each other, while you put your feet up and watch the two chat bots battle it out.

We also have a range of snazzy integration options available, including SharePoint, Tinder, Teams, SalesForce, Peloton, and Candy Crush. Please contact us for pricing.

Noisy Quitting

Frederick tripped over the the extension cord on his way to the exit interview, bringing down a small lamp to the sound of lightbulbs smashing on the office astroturf.

This was it. This was quitting, at its noisiest. The exit interview was going to leave no decibel unturned.

He had previously placed whoopee cushions on the chairs. He had turned the conferencing system up to full volume. He entered the room to the sound of his own air horn.

If they thought he was going to go quietly, they were sorely mistaken.

He had worked out loud almost his entire career, now was not the time to be on mute.

During the meeting, the heated conversation could be heard from across the street. This was despite the industrial strength acoustic foam on the ceiling and each wall. It ended, as one would expect, with Frederick storming out the room and slamming the door behind him.

As one last act of defiance, on his way out he pressed the fire alarm in the elevator.

Executive Departures

CollabSystem Inc (NYSE: PRDY), a leading vendor of collaboration systems worldwide, today announced the departure of several key executives. Among those racing to the nearest exit were long-time CTO William Gregory, the acting CFO, COO, CIO, and various mid-level executives. In keeping with CollabSystem’s talent retention strategy, they have all served out their 25 minute notice periods and won’t be returning from their tea break. They are all understood to have received significant sign-on bonuses at various well-known professional services firms.

“William and his team have been instrumental in increasing the total addressable market for CollabSystem”, said Eric Schwartz, CEO. “As soon as another competitor entered the field, they were always the first to give them plenty of room to grow. We thank them for their outstanding service, and look forward to outsourcing our strategic direction and new product development to them and their new employers shortly.”

In a final e-mail to all staff, Mr Gregory pointed to the many accolades that CollabSystem received over the previous 4 months and mentioned the tremendous career development opportunities that were available to those who were staying on. “See Gerald from the mail room? He’s about to become CIO. His only previous experience with computers was in 1992 when he unplugged a network cable and unsuccessfully attempted connect his telephone.” Gemma, who was unaware that all company e-mails aren’t private DMs, replied to all “what’s a telephone? [shrug emoji]”

CEO Eric Schwartz recently denied that he was looking to move on himself, citing a board directive for better succession planning. “Even though the 5-4 decision was close, the board has spoken – they don’t want to fly by the seat of their pants anymore. They want a plan, even if it’s not any good.” Reasons for the board schism are unknown, but a recent insider pointed to some board members being less than impressed with CollabSystem’s ability to deliver on the company’s vision of ‘world peace’. “We pay a fortune promoting our CEO’s mediocre musings on YouTube to create the impression of ‘thought leadership’, but is there any less peace in the world? I doubt it!” a disgruntled board member was recently overheard grumbling.

The former CFO, COO, CIO, and several sales executives issued a joint press release on their departure:

We are categorically not leaving because of any board-level rift. Some of our closest friends serve on boards.

Our decision had nothing to do with them taking away the coffee machine on level 2, the lack of cream biscuits in the kitchen, and the flickering fluorescent light above Jeff’s desk. And it has absolutely nothing to do with many years of undervaluing our contributions.

We would also like to put an end to any speculation that recently vested stock options may have in any way influenced our decision to move on. Any shares were held at arms length in a Cayman Islands entity, which was at all times under the control of a shady lawyer with a registered postal address in Delaware. You’ll have to ask him about the shares, and we’re pretty sure he’ll say “no comment”. Not that we ever had any shares. Hypothetically speaking, even if CollabSystem shares made us a fortune, we wouldn’t have bought a private island, corporate jet, major league baseball team, or Swiss chalet.

We all decided, independently of course, that this was a time in our lives to explore new opportunities, practice mindfulness, and grow professionally. It was purely coincidence that all seven of us made the same decision last Tuesday at about 2:17pm. We will look back on our years with the company fondly, and wish everyone well.”

Coming Together to Socially Distance


Over the years CollabSystem has gained a reputation as a cutting-edge parody website. Our blog articles often taken a seemingly reasonable concept to the extreme, most often with hilarious consequences.

For those of you expecting more of the same, this is not one of those articles.

In the past few months we’ve witnessed a seismic shift in the way we function as a society, the impact of which is yet to be truly understood. COVID-19 has shaken us to the core, and we’re yet to figure this challenge out. These times deserves a different type of blog post. So here goes a CollabSystem attempt at … ‘serious’.

Social Distancing

We’re told that social distancing is the key to collectively overcoming this disease. The obvious problem is that for the last few hundred years, humans have unknowingly come to rely on earch other for survival. The antidote to the disease, staying apart, threatens the elaborate social and economic structures that we’ve put a lot of effort into constructing and now come to take for granted.

There has been much discussion about whether social distancing is effective, or whether we should instead wait for science to conjure up a vaccine. That becomes a moot discussion if your government adopts social distancing as policy.  You may well have no choice.

Technology to the Rescue

This is the make-or-break moment for technology. Are we going to do something useful with this stuff, or is it just going to exacerbate the problem?


In a typical CollabSystem post we would examine all the ways in whch disinformation could accelerate the impact of the virus, spreading panic or complacency.  Make no mistake, social distancing is going to test the limits of our collective mental health resilience in one way or another. Technology could very easily amplify those impacts. Or technology could whip up hysteria when people use their social media accounts to share timelapse videos of panic buying and handbooks on doomsday prepping.

Or …

We could use technology for good. We could use technology to share information about current infections. We could use technology to pinpoint likely outbreaks and prevent the spread of the disease. We could use technology to track and share scarce resources. We could use technology to overcome the side effects of social isolation. We could use technology to calculate the most cost-effective way to combat this threat (hint: wash your hands).

In short, this virus won’t know what hit it. The virus survives by replicating profusely, hoping that one of its descendants will eventually get coughed onto someone else, maybe even onto many others. Today humans have at our disposal something far more powerful: technology. Information is power in this war, and we have the technology to transmit terrabytes of data across the globe at the speed of light. That’s millions of times faster and further than a cough droplet could ever dream of. If we play our cards right, we may well stand a chance against this disease.

As an aside, we also have blockchain. Bonus points for anyone who cures this pandemic with a distributed ledger.

Enter Wikipedia et al

Just over 100 years ago humanity faced a deadly influenza pandemic. Today we have Wikipedia, a WHO website and a bunch of other truly amazing resources. There are too many to name (and what do all these people do when they’re not solving COVID-19?).

Although the data might be alarming at times, literally billions of people have access to detailed information about this disease from every corner of the globe, in real time. This is the first time this has happened in human history. Knowledge is going to be the building block of any strategic advantage we have in the war against this disease, so let’s no squander the opportunity.

Just what we do with all that information is yet to be seen. Sure, it makes for beautiful animated infographics, but it could literally save lives. We’ve already seen one interesting development where, with enough data, if becomes possible to estimate the true percentage of the population that is infected, even if the local testing and reporting policies are aimed at making the numbers look good.

Flattening the Curve

As we all become experts in flattening various curves, it quickly becomes apparent that big data might actually be useful. Who knew! With increasingly sophisticated algorithms that we’ve developed for all sorts of purposes over the years, now is the time to try and figure out how to minimise the number of deaths, not to mention reduce the wider disruption to society.

Use all that sophisticated artificial intelligence to figure out what we should be doing to fight this thing. Use artificial intelligence to veto dumb ideas that humans will inevitably come up with.

In short, now would be a convenient time for algorithms to prove that they aren’t just a fancy way to generate clickbait ad revenue. Make ‘the cloud’ finally earn its keep.

The Sharing, Caring Economy

Not so long ago, there were a group of people who understood power tools from a Marxist perspective. A belt sander is an expensive piece of kit, which means that it’s scarce. It’s also gathering dust for most of its life. So why not share it? Sounds great in theory, and then we developed a myriad of platforms and two-sided marketplaces to share things that didn’t really suit being shared.

If it wasn’t already obvious, now would be the time to start sharing things that might help us fight this pandemic. Useful items only, please. It may not even require ‘sharing’ in the benevolent sense. It would be helpful even just to understand where critical resources are located, and where they’re urgently needed. If a hospital needs surgical masks in a hurry, who has them? How quickly can they be delivered?  Substitute power tools and cars with medical supplies and equipment, and technology looks like it might well have a role to play here.

Coming together to pool resources has been the way people have survived for millenia. For some unknown reason, the unwavering success of this strategy has been forgotten by those panic-buying toliet paper and pasta. What makes them think they need to be self-sufficient, in the absence of any generosity from others?

Coming together means that we may ask others for help, just as they may ask us. There is strength and comfort to be found in understanding the mutual interdependence. It means that you don’t need to buy your own belt sander, because you know that you can always borrow your neighbour’s. Ditto for the pasta.

Lastly to our mental health, which is perhaps where technology can have the most impact. Social distancing is isolating. Humans are hard-wired for social contact, and countless psychological experiments have shown the horrific consequences of denying people interaction with others. Back in 1918, social distancing would have meant being completely cut off from communication with others.

We now have more chat platforms that you can poke a stick at. Video is becoming the new normal. Now in 2020, social interaction is possible even when practising social distancing. Technology allows us to be social, even as we stop this this disease in its tracks by limiting our physical proximity to others. Wasn’t this why we invented social networking in the first place – to interact with people we couldn’t be together with in person? Which for our sanity, becomes the caring economy.

Stay safe. Wash your hands.



CollabSystem Viral Conferences

While you might think of CollabSystem as a vapourware technology vendor, we’re never one to miss an MLM opportunity and this requires pivoting into the conference and events space.

When Collaboration Flourishes

Collaboration has always been difficult online. In the tangle of USB cables, you never know which one needs to be plugged in to use your webcam. Mute has always been a foreign concept to some, especially those with noisy pets.

When does it work? When everyone is in the same room. In-person. Old school collaboration with group chat, 1:1 chat, and crumpled business cards. Live events have never been more live (or lively).

Once in a Generation Opportunity

The problem used to be that conferences and events were typically dominated by marketing people. Now that CollabSystem is coming to disrupt the space, they’re all going to be left dead in the water. Literally.

This is your perfect storm  as conferences are being cancelled left, right, and centre. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for us to put our lives on the line, so that you don’t have to.

The Covid-19 Branding Opportunity

“Why now?” I hear you asking. History tells us this is a marketer’s dream. Clearly nobody in marketing came up with “Covid-19”, formerly known as “Coronavirus“. Which is where we come in.

Here’s your unique opportunity to rebrand Covid-19 to your corporate or even personal brand. Think of the worldwide exposure (no pun intended) as your name is plastered across the news, the stock market, and surgical masks everywhere. You’ll probably even get an entire UN agency talking about you non-stop.

Nobody owns this virus’ brand, and that’s why opportunity awaits.

<Insert Name Here>

How can we make such an overzealous promise? It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. The only difference is that this time, we’ll make a fortune out of you it.

Have you ever heard of Legionnaires Disease? Until 1976 nobody knew what it was called. It never even had a long Latin name. And then, the American Legion decided to hold a conference in Philadelphia. True story. To this day, they own that brand.

Nor was this the first time someone has taken content marketing to the isolation ward. Influenza has been around since the dawn of time, yet in 1918 Spain decided to throw down the fake news gauntlet and admit people actually had the flu. Despite it being largely a disease in other countries, what did we get? Suddenly “H1N1” is now universally know as Spanish Influenza.

This is your time. This is your opportunity. Don’t let the Covid-19 billboard pass you by. Run an event with CollabSystem today and surgically attach your brand to history.





Dear Frank,

Thank you once again for purchasing CollabSystem’s analytics product, CollabaLytics. Your eye-watering invoice is attached. Yes, all those zeros are correct.

We had meant to present to your executive team about their use of enterprise social, but we no longer believe that to be necessary.

Below is your CEO’s network map. We don’t need to remind you that this is a pretty dismal performance in a network of 87,000 employees.

As you can see, explaining the diagram won’t take long. But we do have some questions about how he ended up following you. That connection was made with Firefox for Linux, and as far as we’re aware, your CEO struggles at the best of times to use his Windows PC or iPhone. Coincidentally, you post exclusively using that same version of Firefox for Linux.

So where did the money go?

A very good question. 98% of the number-crunching for your network, which you are paying for in this bill, was spent analyzing Grant from Accounts. He is by far your most prolific social networker. As an accounts payable trainee, we think it’s truly admirable that you’ve spent SO much money mapping Grant’s cat photo posts. Carbon neutral, of course.

We do have reservations about turning Grant’s experience into a case study. While privacy is absolutely our number one priority, running Grant’s messages through our sentiment analysis tool wasn’t pretty. You may wish to have a quiet chat to him about his opinions about his manager’s rampant favoritism, but you didn’t hear that from us.

If you can’t afford to pay the invoice, please call your Customer Success Manager to organize a payment plan.








Despite recent research proving beyond doubt social media’s calming effect on geopolitical and racial tensions, CollabSystem is not convinced and is launching a campaign to equip as many people as we can with HandBaskets.

Helena Basquette, CollabSystem’s head of wicker weaving, described the move as a reaction to the non-eventful world of social media:

It used to be that Twitter was a place of bullying and outrage, a wild west of bots and hate speech. People have wised up to that and now simply ignore it. All I see these days are random acts of kindness towards minorities and the underprivileged. There’s so much compassion, it’s enough to make you feel ill.

HandBaskets will be distributed at yoga studios across the country, starting tomorrow.

What’s a HandBasket?

A HandBasket is a basket, typically made from a sustainable crop, which can be used to transport groceries and other items. It was first invented as an alternative to the single use plastic bag, which has effectively been eradicated worldwide.

CollabSystem’s HandBasket takes the functional and turns it into a powerful weapon against progress. Unlike regular handbaskets, Helena has incorporated hidden compartments for mace and tinfoil hats to protect against assault and mind control. What looks like an unassuming effort to save the planet from plastic waste is actually a self-contained defense arsenal. HandBaskets sold in Montana also have a compartment for an open carry firearm (batteries sold separately).

Each HandBasket comes complete with two tinfoil hats, one for you and one for a friend. Random HandBaskets also come equipped with tiny hats, suitable for infants and children. Please fit your own hat before assisting others.

Each HandBasket also comes supplied with your own PPH (personal portable hell) in the form of an inbuilt wireless speaker with an eternal subscription to satellite talk radio.

A Return to Doomsday

It is hoped that the widespread use of HandBaskets, particularly by comfortable middle-class citizens of wealthy countries, will bring about a return to the traditional polarizing effect of social media on the world. Not longer can people support altruistic and humanitarian causes without being shamed by their neighbors. Not to mention, they’ll probably be on the receiving end of some HandBasket pepper spray.

Once CollabSystem injects some hate speech on social media through HandBaskets, nothing can stop this snowballing out of control and bringing about a return to untruth, deception, schadenfreude and bigotry that Twitter was originally designed for.

If not, we’ll have wasted a lot of money buying baskets from sweatshops in developing countries.

Photo Credit: Wikipedia.

Data Doomsday Clock

For those who can’t afford a CollabSystem Vault, we recognize you’re between a rock and a very hard steel door. While some companies that invented universally beneficial technology have given it away for free, our private equity backers have vetoed any further giveaways. With that in mind, we’ve taken the dubious moral middle ground and created a second-best alternative for the cheapskates.

Whether your company hasn’t got the time to read our PCI-DSS compliance statement, or you just can’t afford the eye-watering cost of CollabSystem Vault, the new Data Doomsday Clock is for you. Specifically designed for companies with an advanced understanding of risk management and mitigation strategies (yes, surprisingly that’s you!), the Data Doomsday Clock gives a precise estimate of the date and time when your precious customer data is next going to be sold on the dark web.

After all, risk management isn’t just about eliminating risk. In business we know we have to take calculated risks. When you introduce a new product, you’re taking risk. The product might sell, it might not. Just ask the Pinto team at Ford, they were the masters of risk management. If your company has the sophisticated understanding of risk management that we think you do, your primary response to any sort of catastrophe will be “our Twitter account was compromised, we’re on hold with tech support and our call is very important to them”.

As we all know, data breaches are not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Traditionally it has been difficult to pinpoint the exact circumstances when your impenetrable security measures will fail. With all the will in the world, some idiot stuffs up the whole system with something like the Heartbleed Vulnerability. It wasn’t your fault, and you can’t even blame your most trusted technology partner for those.

Data Doomsday Clock eliminates 98% of that vulnerability by providing you with an alarm clock which is precisely tuned to the exact time when your system will be compromised. This takes all of the unknown unknowns from the equation. Rather than sitting at your desk waiting for that day to come, you can relax on a Caribbean Island safe in the knowledge that your next data breach won’t occur for another 15 days, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 23 seconds. Or 21 seconds by the time you read this.

As a foundation customer, you will be exempt from a barrage of “special offers” to upgrade to CollabSystem Vault, the frequency of which only increases as the clock nears zero (as does the price). In fact, as one of the first 10 customers of Data Doomsday Clock, CollabSystem will even guarantee that your systems will be compromised at the specified time. Trust us.

Collaboration Bingo Button

In response to overwhelming demand for Collaboration Bingo, CollabSystem have launched a ready-to-use pack to make it easier to play than every before.

The pack includes:

  • 13,843 x Collaboration Bingo Cards (printed on 10gsm pre-curled baking paper)
  • 1 x Announcer Microphone (compatible with most emergency evacuation systems)
  • 1 x Bingo Button

The Bingo Button is an engaging way to alert everyone in your organisation that they’ve failed in their attempt to administer CPR to your otherwise lifeless collaboration agenda. The person who pressed the button is clearly the only person who has the mandate to use the word “innovation” in their job title, at least until the next major restructure.

We only include one button because we assume you’ve pre-arranged the winner of Collaboration Bingo. If you haven’t rigged the game, then to create the illusion of fairness we can temporarily supply you with an additional 13,842 Bingo Buttons to place strategically next to each Bingo Card. Take it from us, it’s much easier just to pick the winner in advance.

Along with Collaboration Bingo, we also offer Collaboration Battleship, where your CTO and CMO fight it out to torpedo the SS Disruption in a sea of otherwise hopeless initiatives.




Cards Against Collaboration

Sick of those personality cards handed out at every leadership seminar? Modern workplace tarot was always going to end in disaster. We always knew Trevor in accounts was an introvert. Surely?

Now you too can own your very own set of Cards Against Collaboration, the game sweeping conferences and other ridiculously-priced-sponsorship-opportunity-events around the nation.

The person who most recently reset their password to their payroll system goes first.

Then someone takes a beige collaboration card and places it in the middle of the table.

Each person then completes the sentence with a fuchsia-coloured panacea card. The colour combination is guaranteed to make anyone’s eyes bleed.

Hilarity then ensues. Amusing combinations such as:

Collaboration is … when we stop pushing the revolving door and a change champion runs headfirst into the glass with a full tray of coffees.

Innovation happens when … Felix, an otherwise well-trained dachshund, answers nature’s call on the fake grass in the innovation lab.

The winner of each round is the person who’s combination convinces the CEO to launch a new initiative.

Cards Against Collaboration is available in-store and online from all good innovation labs.