Analytics

Dear Frank,

Thank you once again for purchasing CollabSystem’s analytics product, CollabaLytics. Your eye-watering invoice is attached. Yes, all those zeros are correct.

We had meant to present to your executive team about their use of enterprise social, but we no longer believe that to be necessary.

Below is your CEO’s network map. We don’t need to remind you that this is a pretty dismal performance in a network of 87,000 employees.

As you can see, explaining the diagram won’t take long. But we do have some questions about how he ended up following you. That connection was made with Firefox for Linux, and as far as we’re aware, your CEO struggles at the best of times to use his Windows PC or iPhone. Coincidentally, you post exclusively using that same version of Firefox for Linux.

So where did the money go?

A very good question. 98% of the number-crunching for your network, which you are paying for in this bill, was spent analyzing Grant from Accounts. He is by far your most prolific social networker. As an accounts payable trainee, we think it’s truly admirable that you’ve spent SO much money mapping Grant’s cat photo posts. Carbon neutral, of course.

We do have reservations about turning Grant’s experience into a case study. While privacy is absolutely our number one priority, running Grant’s messages through our sentiment analysis tool wasn’t pretty. You may wish to have a quiet chat to him about his opinions about his manager’s rampant favoritism, but you didn’t hear that from us.

If you can’t afford to pay the invoice, please call your Customer Success Manager to organize a payment plan.

Thanks,

Jerome.

 

 

 

 

HandBaskets

Despite recent research proving beyond doubt social media’s calming effect on geopolitical and racial tensions, CollabSystem is not convinced and is launching a campaign to equip as many people as we can with HandBaskets.

Helena Basquette, CollabSystem’s head of wicker weaving, described the move as a reaction to the non-eventful world of social media:

It used to be that Twitter was a place of bullying and outrage, a wild west of bots and hate speech. People have wised up to that and now simply ignore it. All I see these days are random acts of kindness towards minorities and the underprivileged. There’s so much compassion, it’s enough to make you feel ill.

HandBaskets will be distributed at yoga studios across the country, starting tomorrow.

What’s a HandBasket?

A HandBasket is a basket, typically made from a sustainable crop, which can be used to transport groceries and other items. It was first invented as an alternative to the single use plastic bag, which has effectively been eradicated worldwide.

CollabSystem’s HandBasket takes the functional and turns it into a powerful weapon against progress. Unlike regular handbaskets, Helena has incorporated hidden compartments for mace and tinfoil hats to protect against assault and mind control. What looks like an unassuming effort to save the planet from plastic waste is actually a self-contained defense arsenal. HandBaskets sold in Montana also have a compartment for an open carry firearm (batteries sold separately).

Each HandBasket comes complete with two tinfoil hats, one for you and one for a friend. Random HandBaskets also come equipped with tiny hats, suitable for infants and children. Please fit your own hat before assisting others.

Each HandBasket also comes supplied with your own PPH (personal portable hell) in the form of an inbuilt wireless speaker with an eternal subscription to satellite talk radio.

A Return to Doomsday

It is hoped that the widespread use of HandBaskets, particularly by comfortable middle-class citizens of wealthy countries, will bring about a return to the traditional polarizing effect of social media on the world. Not longer can people support altruistic and humanitarian causes without being shamed by their neighbors. Not to mention, they’ll probably be on the receiving end of some HandBasket pepper spray.

Once CollabSystem injects some hate speech on social media through HandBaskets, nothing can stop this snowballing out of control and bringing about a return to untruth, deception, schadenfreude and bigotry that Twitter was originally designed for.

If not, we’ll have wasted a lot of money buying baskets from sweatshops in developing countries.

Photo Credit: Wikipedia.

Data Doomsday Clock

For those who can’t afford a CollabSystem Vault, we recognize you’re between a rock and a very hard steel door. While some companies that invented universally beneficial technology have given it away for free, our private equity backers have vetoed any further giveaways. With that in mind, we’ve taken the dubious moral middle ground and created a second-best alternative for the cheapskates.

Whether your company hasn’t got the time to read our PCI-DSS compliance statement, or you just can’t afford the eye-watering cost of CollabSystem Vault, the new Data Doomsday Clock is for you. Specifically designed for companies with an advanced understanding of risk management and mitigation strategies (yes, surprisingly that’s you!), the Data Doomsday Clock gives a precise estimate of the date and time when your precious customer data is next going to be sold on the dark web.

After all, risk management isn’t just about eliminating risk. In business we know we have to take calculated risks. When you introduce a new product, you’re taking risk. The product might sell, it might not. Just ask the Pinto team at Ford, they were the masters of risk management. If your company has the sophisticated understanding of risk management that we think you do, your primary response to any sort of catastrophe will be “our Twitter account was compromised, we’re on hold with tech support and our call is very important to them”.

As we all know, data breaches are not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Traditionally it has been difficult to pinpoint the exact circumstances when your impenetrable security measures will fail. With all the will in the world, some idiot stuffs up the whole system with something like the Heartbleed Vulnerability. It wasn’t your fault, and you can’t even blame your most trusted technology partner for those.

Data Doomsday Clock eliminates 98% of that vulnerability by providing you with an alarm clock which is precisely tuned to the exact time when your system will be compromised. This takes all of the unknown unknowns from the equation. Rather than sitting at your desk waiting for that day to come, you can relax on a Caribbean Island safe in the knowledge that your next data breach won’t occur for another 15 days, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 23 seconds. Or 21 seconds by the time you read this.

As a foundation customer, you will be exempt from a barrage of “special offers” to upgrade to CollabSystem Vault, the frequency of which only increases as the clock nears zero (as does the price). In fact, as one of the first 10 customers of Data Doomsday Clock, CollabSystem will even guarantee that your systems will be compromised at the specified time. Trust us.

Collaboration Bingo Button

In response to overwhelming demand for Collaboration Bingo, CollabSystem have launched a ready-to-use pack to make it easier to play than every before.

The pack includes:

  • 13,843 x Collaboration Bingo Cards (printed on 10gsm pre-curled baking paper)
  • 1 x Announcer Microphone (compatible with most emergency evacuation systems)
  • 1 x Bingo Button

The Bingo Button is an engaging way to alert everyone in your organisation that they’ve failed in their attempt to administer CPR to your otherwise lifeless collaboration agenda. The person who pressed the button is clearly the only person who has the mandate to use the word “innovation” in their job title, at least until the next major restructure.

We only include one button because we assume you’ve pre-arranged the winner of Collaboration Bingo. If you haven’t rigged the game, then to create the illusion of fairness we can temporarily supply you with an additional 13,842 Bingo Buttons to place strategically next to each Bingo Card. Take it from us, it’s much easier just to pick the winner in advance.

Along with Collaboration Bingo, we also offer Collaboration Battleship, where your CTO and CMO fight it out to torpedo the SS Disruption in a sea of otherwise hopeless initiatives.

 

 

 

Cards Against Collaboration

Sick of those personality cards handed out at every leadership seminar? Modern workplace tarot was always going to end in disaster. We always knew Trevor in accounts was an introvert. Surely?

Now you too can own your very own set of Cards Against Collaboration, the game sweeping conferences and other ridiculously-priced-sponsorship-opportunity-events around the nation.

The person who most recently reset their password to their payroll system goes first.

Then someone takes a beige collaboration card and places it in the middle of the table.

Each person then completes the sentence with a fuchsia-coloured panacea card. The colour combination is guaranteed to make anyone’s eyes bleed.

Hilarity then ensues. Amusing combinations such as:

Collaboration is … when we stop pushing the revolving door and a change champion runs headfirst into the glass with a full tray of coffees.

Innovation happens when … Felix, an otherwise well-trained dachshund, answers nature’s call on the fake grass in the innovation lab.

The winner of each round is the person who’s combination convinces the CEO to launch a new initiative.

Cards Against Collaboration is available in-store and online from all good innovation labs.

 

 

 

 

Tangible Products – The Wall

One of the most annoying aspects to being a technology consultancy is that a lot of what we do is ‘fluffy’. We freely admit that most of what we do isn’t tangible. Today that’s all about to change, as we launch the CollabSystem Wall. The CollabSystem Wall® is a complete structural solution for your future workspace. It’s not some half-baked virtual technology construct.

You might expect us to have created a hyped-up, bandwagon analogy of a time-honoured architectural tradition, but instead we aim to delight our customers with their very own brick wall. Each CollabSystem Wall© even comes complete with real mortar! Wall construction has been a staple in establishing human civilisation – China, Mexico, Berlin, Jerusalem, Hadrian, Pisa, and Wodonga all putting their best plumb foot forward throughout the ages.

When you purchase a CollabSystem Wall (pat. pending), a skilled team of bricklayers will come to your office. In the case of remote workers or distributed teams, our team will even come to your employee’s home. Our bricklayers will quickly and efficiently construct a freestanding solid brick wall with a minimum of fuss. They will then clean up, and leave you with an almost-indestructible reminder of just how far we’ve come as a society since 7500BC when the first bricks were created.

The CollabSystem Wall℠ comes with a myriad of uses, echoing the multipurpose nature of the construction methodology.  For starters there are literally a million ways you could decorate the wall. Apply plasterboard, cement render, plaster, paint, wallpaper, tile, faux fur, or any combination of those. Try your own combination of cornice, skirting board, architrave, and shadow line. Literally, the choices are endless. If you’ve empowered your workforce with Choice℠, employees can even request a different finish on each side of their Wall. We suggest you locate CollabSystem Walls so that their owners have to crane their neck awkwardly to see their wall. This encourages obsessively checking one’s own Wall, constantly aiming to be better than other Walls.  This also maximises the amount of expensive real estate taken up by the excessively heavy Walls.

You’re then free to customise the CollabSystem Wall to drive business value. Add whiteboards, blackboards, shelving, hooks, plumbing, electrical, insulation – basically anything that your business needs to make the CollabSystem Wall your own. Anything but your corporate branding, which requires our prior written consent before applying. The beauty of the CollabSystem Wall® is that we don’t quite know what you want, which is why we have to come to your boardroom and deliver a well-rehearsed PowerPoint presentation on why all the effort you’ve invested in open plan offices, standing desks, and pentagonal meeting cubicles is about to be rendered* obsolete with the construction of many, many walls.

To achieve a truly Future of Work office, you’ll have to give everyone their own wall. Anyone on a talent program will require at least two patented CollabSystem Walls, letting everyone who passes by know how special they are. Important managers will want at least four CollabSystem Walls© arranged in a quadrilateral pattern to give a retro 1950s office feel. Those who sometimes work from home will be relieved to now find a permanent masonry reminder of their workplace in their bathroom, meaning no end to the nightmare of work. For permanently distributed teams, all CollabSystem Walls are finished in an identical military green camouflage pattern, uniting the team towards a common enemy as they gaze horrifically at a newly-built brick wall from their kitchen.

The CollabSystem Wall is expected to be the first in a long line of construction-related products. Not content with just bricks and mortar, expect to hear rumours of CollabSystem stockpiling large amounts of steel to construct real-life silos to separate business units later this year. Once silos have been rolled out, CollabSystem will attempt to train a team of pandas to lay bricks, creating the world’s very first CollabSystem Chinese Wall©.

 

* “Rendered” (as a double entendre) is used under licence from MySpace Inc.

Brand Guidelines Were Released

Media Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Branding guidelines are taken very seriously at CollabSystem.

Our relentless pursuit of using the passive voice means we aren’t going to be stopped by anything,

Everything must be written in the passive voice, according to our brand guidelines.

Active voice is being used by all our competitors, which is why a stand needs to be taken by us.

What we meant was still understood by you, even though passive voice was used by the author.

So what’s all the fuss about?

-ends-

We Are Not Consultants

We Are Not

We are not consultants.

We are not life coaches.

We don’t use frameworks.

We don’t run workshops.

We don’t present slide decks.

We Are

We’re there to show you the beauty of sunrise.

We guide you to the potential of each day.

We’re in your corner.

You Are

You are equipped to fulfil your potential.

 

Das #HumanBusinessDay Manifest

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Unser schlankes, agiles und immer noch überwiegend menschliches Team bei der Arbeit

Bei CollabSystem haben wir uns verpflichtet, jeden Tag genau die richtige Menge an Arbeit auf die niedrigst mögliche Art und Weise zu erledigen. Nach umfangreichen Experimenten hat CollabSystem eine einzigartige Arbeitsweise entwickelt, die es uns ermöglicht, mit unserem schlanken, agilen und immer noch überwiegend menschlichen Team von Mitarbeitern ständig neue, innovative Arbeitslösungen zu entwickeln.

Wir sind davon überzeugt, dass jeder von der lockeren, heiteren und allgemein kooperativen Art, in der wir arbeiten, profitieren sollte. Unser Vorgehen ist für die Mitarbeiter zeitlich, prozessorientiert und nachvollziehbar. Das einzige komplizierte und komplizierte Werkzeug, das zur Ausführung unseres Prozesses benötigt wird, ist eine Uhr, obwohl viele Teams behaupten, von der Verwendung einer teuren Espressomaschine profitiert zu haben.

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Das Whoosh und Summen der Produktivität in einem menschlichen Arbeitsplatz

Nach Jahren der Verfeinerung teilen wir jetzt das Manifest, das unsere schlanke, agile und immer noch größtenteils menschliche Arbeitsweise antreibt. Wir nennen es den HBD, den Human Business Day (oder für diejenigen, die Hashtags #humanbusinessday lieben):

Das #HumanBusinessDay Manifest

Wir arbeiten besser, indem wir weniger arbeiten. Durch diese Arbeit haben wir zu schätzen gelernt:

  • Sie verbringen weniger Zeit mit unnötigen Diskussionen über die ganze Nacht
  • Beenden von Aufgaben zusammen über endlose elektronische Ablenkung
  • Nach Hause gehen zu Familie, um zu beweisen, dass wir beschäftigt sind
  • Zeit zu essen, zu verbinden und über das Essen an unseren Schreibtischen oder auf unseren Telefonen nachzudenken

Wir würden gerne sagen, dass wir die letzteren Dinge schätzen, aber wir würden lügen.

Zwölf Prinzipien eines #HumanBusinessDay:

  1. Unsere oberste Priorität ist es, den Kunden und uns selbst zu befriedigen, indem wir unsere Arbeit menschlich gestalten (‘Arbeit ist Arbeit’)
  2. Der Tag und jede Sitzung beginnen zu einer festgelegten Zeit und alle Teammitglieder, die dort sein sollten, sind zur vereinbarten Zeit dort. (‘Kein Dilldalling’)
  3. Der Tag besteht aus vier Abschnitten à 1,5 Stunden. In diesen Zeiten ist der ganze Arbeitstag abgeschlossen. (‘Kein Pfaffing herum‘)
  4. Zwischen der ersten und zweiten Stunde ist eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause für 30 Minuten mit dem Namen Morgentee mit heißen Getränken, kleinen Snacks und Geschichten der letzten Nacht (‘Morgentee‘)
  5. Zwischen der zweiten und dritten Periode ist eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause, die Mittagessen mit kalten Getränken, einer größeren Mahlzeit und Lügengeschichten (‘Mittagessen’) genannt wird.
  6. Zwischen der dritten und vierten Stunde gibt es eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause von 30 Minuten mit dem Namen Nachmittagstee mit heißen Getränken, kleinen Snacks und Geschichten von den heutigen Plänen (“Nachmittagstee“)
  7. Das Team macht die Arbeit, die getan werden muss, nicht mehr und nicht weniger (“Was würdest du noch tun?“)
  8. Kommunikation ist direkt, prägnant, persönlich, großzügig, oft witzig und immer zeitgemäß im Interesse der Maximierung von Produktivität, Lernen und Stimmungen (“Sprechen wie ein Mensch“)
  9. Ablenkungen während der Arbeitsperioden werden im Interesse der kommunalen Produktivität vermieden. Insbesondere große E-Mail-Witze, virale Videos, lange Geschichten, das Versenden von E-Mails an Personen, mit denen Sie sprechen könnten, Telefonkonferenzen, große PowerPoint-Pläne, alle Antworten und andere Formen der Ablenkung werden aktiv abgeraten (‘Do not be daft’)
  10. In regelmäßigen Abständen nimmt das gesamte Team nicht an der Arbeit teil und es wird keine Arbeit geleistet (‘Feiertag’)
  11. Das Team rotiert die Fähigkeit, einen Tag lang nicht an der Arbeit teilzunehmen, und die Balance des Teams deckt den Beitrag für das Team ab, in dem Wissen, dass es bald an der Reihe sein wird. (‘Verlassen‘)
  12. Am Ende der vierten Periode hört das gesamte Team auf zu arbeiten, vergisst die Probleme des Tages und geht. Unvollständige Arbeit wird für den Start der nächsten Tage vorbereitet. Es ist üblich, “Gute Nacht alle” zu rufen, wenn Sie gehen. (‘Heimzeit‘)

2018 Band Wagon

Are you worried about competitors getting the jump on you over the holiday season?

With a 3,502kg braked towing capacity and Dolby® 7.1 channel surround sound, the CollabSystem 2018 Band Wagon has more than enough space for all your hype for the new year.

It also features active suspension and mean reversion, allowing you to take all your 2017 buzzword baggage around with you for at least the next 12 months. While still leaving enough room for the Blockchain power supply, spare drone rotors, and countless more flotsam and jetsam items to be unleashed in the Year of the Dog.

The 2018 Band Wagon is connected to your existing strategy through an industry standard 7-pin towing socket (batteries not included). This complies with all local traffic regulations, giving your tailgating competitors enough warning to take evasive action when when you swerve to hit an operational roadblock. After all, that’s the point of brake lights, right?

Our lemmings customers have been overwhelmingly unimpressed by the wagon:

It makes no sense to be towing around useless stuff that nobody understands. And the extension rear vision mirror they gave us was useless. It was meant to give us perspective on the contents of the wagon, but mostly it just reflects the blinding sun right into our eyes.

To get your hands on a 2018 Band Wagon, contact one of our existing customers to negotiate a great deal on a second-hand trailer. What kind of start-up would we be if we didn’t offer a two-sided marketplace?