CollabSystem Kettle: accelerating vapourware

At CollabSystem we understand that vapourware is a problem in the technology industry. There are so many conferences and so many competitors that having enough stuff to announce can be a major issue.

We have perfected the process of announcing our harebrained ideas when they are barely an illegible sticky note. Now with CollabSystem Kettle we are sharing our proven model of vapourware generation with the world. Using Kettle you will have a product roadmap so hot and humid you could take a sauna. Better still, Kettle removes the accountability to deliver anything by announcing everything.

The Kettle Process

Kettle begins with the RSG. The RSG is a random sticky note generator. By using industry trend analysis, customer tracking, AI and a deep vein of bullshit, the RSG spins out thousands of potential product features and ideas.

RSG Output

After the RSG, ideas enter the Credibility Extenuator where they are stretched and pummeled like at a Turkish Hamman. This process ensures the resulting announcements are sufficiently warmed up, light and airy for the vapour generation phase.

Vapour generation turns your announcement into a perfect bubbly onrush of steam. This process is achieved through the application of extreme heat, free swag and social media influencers. When phase transition is achieved in the social media bubble, your new product is ready to be released.

Kettle automates the release process generating blog posts, press releases, video demos and other necessary collateral automatically. Kettle does this by simply reusing previous announcements from your product suite and those of your competitors, automating an otherwise time consuming process for product managers and their marketing teams. Also, Kettle automatically steam cleans any product roadmaps and announcements that you have previously released to ensure no issues of accountability. Pretty soon there is a fine spray of vapour all over the industry. Job done.

With Kettle your conference will be a success, competitors will be envious and customers will be bemused. Most importantly there will be nothing left for you to do, but sit back, put your feet up and drink a cup of tea while preparing for the next investor presentation.

A busy product manager getting a 5am start with Kettle

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