At CollabSystem we believe in being contrarian. When the world tacks left, we go right. When Google calls its employees back to the office, we still don’t know where ours are to be found.
We realised recently that there are too many posts on how to write a great blogpost that goes viral and makes your content marketing strategy fizzle like a post-hangover Alka Selzer. So we are going to share our five top tips on how to write a truly terrible post.
Step 1: It’s All About You
Nothing is more engaging than a massive ego fest. Unself-aware solipsism is so on trend right now. It is also massively revealing. The more you talk about yourself the more obvious it will be to everyone that you are a terrible person that they should avoid. Except they can’t avoid your posts coming in by email, social media streams and advertising including retargeting. You will be leveraging the power of blogging to make sure that everyone understands that you are a truly shite person. To achieve the highest level of blogging bring your whole self to it and express every vain and ill-considered thought that flashed across the inside of your skull. It is important in this to compare yourself to great minds and great entrepreneurs so use the post to put your thinking up against theirs for comparison
Step 2: Make Your Post A List
- Nothing is more useful to people than a fucking list
- Lists are short
- Lists are scannable
- Lists go viral
- Lists don’t require complicated writing like narratives, logic or development of ideas
- Lists don’t have to make sense or work
- It is just a bloody list and you can even break the rules of lists and most people won’t care because they are sick of them
- They stopped reading the list before point 8.
Step 3: Sell Your Shite Service
At CollabSystems we know that posts that sell services are the posts that matter most to our customers. Almost everything we write is a press release hidden inside a post. There’s nothing more important than the relentless assault of commerce. Don’t fall into the mistake of viewing a blog post as about sharing knowledge. Even the cleverest are just sneaky ads with hidden calls to action. Remember always be closing and check out CollabSystem’s great products as you do so.
Step 4: No Connection to Reality
Talk about Blockchain or NFTs. Discuss abstract technology that nobody will ever use. Talk about Stoicism. Allude to things that others don’t understand. Use big words that everyone needs to look up and the definitions only reference other big words or French post-modern philosophers who only use them ironically. Recommend strategies that would have actual humans scratch their heads. Whatever you do, don’t have your post relate to reality or human behaviour. Nobody reads a blogpost for practical strategies that they can apply in their work and life. Haven’t you read Goop. They are looking to be inspired by social media influencers who live so disconnected from reality they might as well be on Mars. We have some candidates to join you Elon.
Step 5: Be Repetitive
Ever read a recipe online and how it mentions that recipe name and ingredients over and over again in a long boring introduction that gets in the way of the actual recipe you want to read. That’s genius. That’s the highest art of blogging. That is called SEO. Use keywords. Repeatedly. Be unimaginative. Write about what everyone else is writing about. Try to hit the zeitgeist. Did I mention SEO. Use keywords. Repeatedly. Be unimaginative. Write about current events without adding anything to the discourse. Write about what other people are writing about about the zeitgeist. Logroll. The more on ontrend and unnecessary your post it the better. Use keywords. Repeatedly. SEO again one more time for good luck.
Step 6: Be Offensive Unaware
A truly shite post must offend those with a modicum of sanity and grace left. The simplest way to achieve this is to appreciate the role of luck, privilege and disadvantage in life. You might have been born on third base but it is essential that everyone hears your opinion about what it takes to hit a triple and a photo of your amazing car. Deny systemic issues. Use horrendously offensive stereotypes and violent, militaristic, colonialist and imperialist metaphors. Who cares about the system when your success is yours to celebrate? Influencerdom awaits you. Join Clubhouse and talk endlessly about how you understand success and that they all need to subscribe to your substack to learn more. Collect Patreon fees that you blow on champagne and caviar because your million dollar lifestyle makes it unnecessary for you to earn a living from your writing.
Step 7: Play By the Rules or Do. We don’t care. Neither should you.
You were counting the steps weren’t you? We went past the official blogpost limit of 5 because our lives are examples of unlimited greatness. Forget the rules of speling and grammar’s. Invent unnecessary neologisms in every post – we call them newologisms. Stop writing abruptly and leave people hanging because you never know how to finish a post. You don’t care about the reader so it doesn’t matter anyway.