At CollabSystem, we are finely attuned to customer demands. We’ve been seeing a lot of requests for instruction manuals to achieve employee engagement. So today we are proud to announce ours, CollabSystem Wøllbeïng.
The funny characters in the name are because our approach to employee engagement is inspired by that flatpacked, ultracheap, DIY marvel IKEA. You’ve always longed to treat your employees as widgets while minimising the cost and effort involved, now CollabSystem Wøllbeïng gives you the best simple inexplicable steps.
The Allen Key
We know trust is at the heart of any great employee experience. So instead of trust we’d like you to assemble your new shiny employee engagement program with an Allen Key. You will lose the Allen Key in the first ten minutes. It is a complete pain to use anyway and rarely works.
In the absence of trust or an Allen Key, you can claw at the raw materials with your bare hands, begging them to take shape. Then ask a friendly verified CollabSystem consultant to help with their CollabSystem hex-bit screwdriver. We recommend a consultant anyway, as our instructions are based on a model implementation in our factory and unrepeatable elsewhere.
Great teams are bound by mutual respect. You don’t have any of that. Instead your CollabSystem Wøllbeïng comes with a random array of Allen Key screws of slightly different lengths with which to assemble your experience. Your employees know how you like to screw them.
Naturally our simple diagrammatic instructions use a perspective that makes selecting the right screw impossible. Every join requires a different screw length and you won’t realise until just before the end you have got it wrong. Expect to have to disassemble and reassemble several times. Your teams are only hanging around for a short time, so the lack of respect and dodgy screws won’t be an issue.
You didn’t expect your cheap CollabSystem Wøllbeing to be made of wood did you? No, like any cheap DIY employee experience, it is entirely assembled from cardboard. We simply paper over the flimsy material with a veneer of employee branding. Works every time until someone leans on it or spills something or tries to work.
When you finish assembling CollabSystem Wøllbeïng, you will discover a random series of leftover items. Do not be alarmed. Our quality processes are entirely random. Anything can happen and usually does.
Our most enterprising clients repackage those random knobs, screws, cardboard shelves and brackets as a new employee experience call Rësilïnz. They then expect their employees to survive whatever life throws at that with that odd assortment of items. Employees are resourceful in the face of adversity.
Employee Experience does not have to be engaging, empowering, and life-enhancing. It can be cheap. At CollabSystem, we are pleased that Wøllbeïng gives our customers the DIY solutions they deserve.