Acquisitions and Gadgets

Just moments after announcing they were being acquired, CollabSystem released its first gadget to support their existing collaboration suite. The Faux Rotary Dial Telephone (FRDT) is slated to be the first in a long line of questionable gimmicks from CollabSystem.

It was with much fanfare that the telephone was launched at a conference of all 47 CollabSystem customers (46 if you don’t count Niels the cat, who only attended because his owner couldn’t find someone to mind him).

Meanwhile, it seems many of the employees at CollabSystem were unaware of the pending hostile takeover. One employee with a knowledge of workplace culture told a mass of waiting reporters:

Someone wants to buy the company? We just make gadgets in the basement, and haven’t heard from anyone in years.

 

Some guy from compliance once asked us what we did, and he mumbled something about a Chinese Wall. It made no sense, as our basement office doesn’t even have windows. But whatever a Chinese Wall was, it finally gave us some peace and quiet.

The statement was provided on the condition of anonymity, as the person was not authorized to speak publicly, even about the blindingly obvious.

The Faux Rotary Dial Telephone

The FRDT brings an air of nostalgia to an otherwise cutting-edge suite of products at CollabSystem.

By connecting the FRDT to a computer, emojis are automatically translated into a human voice. For example, typing “😀👏🚀📆” in a WhatsApp to colleagues will cause the phone to ring and the voice of Neil Armstrong can be heard saying “Congratulations on meeting the launch date!”.

CollabSystem’s chief switchboard operator, Paul, said the telephone allowed Gen Y to better communicate with the Baby Boomers. “With features like extra crackle when the handset is accidentally nudged, or if there’s poor weather en route – it really allows people to relive the heydey of person-to-person communication. We’ve put a lot of effort into digitally recreating the sound of a poor phone line. It’s truly authentic, in a kind of faux way.”

Other features of the FRDT include:

  • USB 4.0 connectivity (future proofing the device well into the 2040s).
  • No chatbot required.
  • Solid plastic construction. Fades gracefully over time to an uneven pale yellow.
  • Scuffs easily to give the appearance of frequent use.

Asked if CollabSystem should instead be focusing its efforts on achieving forecast synergies from the recent merger, the CEO had a strong message for potential private equity firms:

We’ll keep making gadgets regardless. With an elaborate web of questionable outsourcing, nobody really knows who works here anyway. Don’t think for a moment that your hostile takeovers and valuation fanfare will distract us from our frivolous work!

If you are considering launching a takeover, CollabSystem suggests talking a long Walk.

Image Credit: Wikipedia

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