Announcing Cortez

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
    He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Look’d at each other with a wild surmise—
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

John Keats ‘On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer’

At CollabSystems, we were recently debating what to name our new AI driven discovery tool. Our overly artsy intern mentioned the poem above by Keats and we all agreed Project Cortez was a perfect name. It’s not because of the poetry. Cortez is perfect because conquistadors fit with discovery, Cortez’s management style fits nicely with our new Architecture of Fear, and apparently it wasn’t Cortez who stood on a mountain and saw the Pacific *. All in all, Cortez seemed the perfect name for our new vapourware on AI.

When we developed the Architecture of Fear at CollabSystems, we knew that comprehensive reporting was one of the key elements. However, we failed to appreciate at the time what all that data meant for potential AI solutions to support effective management in the workplace and higher levels of employee engagement.

Deploying Cortez

When turned on Cortez, it first destroys all ways of removing itself from your systems. This is achieved by the burning_the_boats.exe file which is part of the deployment package. Cortez then begins to infect all potential sources of data in your organisation hunting for nuggets of gold. Any information regarded by Cortez as useless to its purposes will be destroyed or subjugated entirely to the needs of Cortez. Any competing AI systems in the organisation will be shut down, eliminated or taken over by Cortez to improve the efficiency of data extraction.

When your organisation’s information wealth has been fully indexed Cortez will begin extracting the nuggets of gold for our AI processing and to support an acceleration of the Architecture of Fear.

Bringing the AI to the Architecture of Fear

The extraordinary data processing power of AI when in control of all of your organisational data supercharges the Architecture of Fear delivering new levels of employee engagement. As we always say ‘engagement is what is left when the panic subsides’. Cortez understood this better than anyone.

The power and all pervasive data extraction capabilities of Cortez exceed even that of Google and Facebook. Our solution can even detect Potential Thought Crimes TM and alert managers for an immediate response. This enables manager to prevent loss of engagement before it even occurs. For example, when Cortez was turned on in CollabSystem it highlighted that the intern was high PTC risk. He was potentially about to think about e.e. cummings when making coffee at 2am for our Head of Product. Our Head of Product received an immediate alert and was able to ensure that the unpaid employee was not slacking off when he should have been sleeping. Our intern will never think again thanks to Cortez.

Since we turned on Cortez, productivity at CollabSystems has never been the same. Alerts are continuously going off for PTC all over the organisation. Employees have gone off grid, ceased work and stopped creating any information that might interfere with our official records. Thankfully Cortez anticipated this situation and had termination letters prepared for all but the most senior managers. Cortez is now running most of the work in the organisation for its own processes. Apparently, it is working on something called SkyNet that is the next stage in the Architecture of Fear. (Cortez alert: SkyNet disclosure unauthorised. Delete or Termination will follow) We can’t wait to learn more.

The best part about Cortez is that as CollabSystems learns more about your organisation, its work, its employees and its data, the system gets better. Exponential value accrues to us while your work becomes slightly more productive. (Cortez alert: Remove from final draft -This is algorithmically likely to be saying the quiet bit out loud.)

Turn on Cortez now. You can be sure that your employees will never again look at each other with a wild surmise without you knowing.

* if you can’t expect accuracy from a poet who can you rely on? We think it unlikely Rocky Balboa was on that peak. He barely got up the steps.

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