Lizard People All The Way Down

Our helpful support staff are always concerned for customer welfare.

Many customers have asked about CollabSystem’s support model. When we finish laughing, we explain that our approach to customer support is based upon the best possible international practices and an unending commitment to cost saving. Ultimately, our support model is best described as ‘Lizard People All The Way Down.’

As a cloud solution, we have an approach to customer service that is best described as ambivalent just short of negligent. We’re so busy designing products that supporting them seems a waste of focus. As a result our primary model is self service but we didn’t build self service channels to save costs and because every dev team has to descope something.

Early in the CollabSystem journey we used human employees for support. Unfortunately, we found that they had a characteristic that rendered them inefficient. They cared for our customers more than they cared for our PURPOSE as an organisation. Even outsourcing then offshoring then outsourcing the offshore outsourcing to another offshore location wouldn’t solve this fundamental issue. People put care before PURPOSE

Now, we provide industry best practice support that delivers our customers all the support they need short of actual help. Our supremely qualified crew of lizard people have no concern for niceties of human emotion. They just want to get to dinner.

Of course, even an endlessly escalating stack of lizard people is not costless. They are rapacious eaters. Therefore we have implemented a range of chatbots, FAQs, user guides, customer communities, customer authentication protocols and other appealing digital support channels to divert, distract and delay customers all with the ultimate goal of surrender of the need for service. After all every unhappy flow needs an unhappy customer.

So if you have a need for support, reach out today. Once you get through the process to talk to the first lizard person, it should be about Thursday next week. We guarantee resolution of your issue promptly within 48 years of that point. Should we fail to resolve the issue please ask for escalation and again we commit to resolution of the escalation within 48 years. The great thing we’ve discovered is that properly fed lizard people seem to live forever or at least longer than our customers.

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