Executive Departures

CollabSystem Inc (NYSE: PRDY), a leading vendor of collaboration systems worldwide, today announced the departure of several key executives. Among those racing to the nearest exit were long-time CTO William Gregory, the acting CFO, COO, CIO, and various mid-level executives. In keeping with CollabSystem’s talent retention strategy, they have all served out their 25 minute notice periods and won’t be returning from their tea break. They are all understood to have received significant sign-on bonuses at various well-known professional services firms.

“William and his team have been instrumental in increasing the total addressable market for CollabSystem”, said Eric Schwartz, CEO. “As soon as another competitor entered the field, they were always the first to give them plenty of room to grow. We thank them for their outstanding service, and look forward to outsourcing our strategic direction and new product development to them and their new employers shortly.”

In a final e-mail to all staff, Mr Gregory pointed to the many accolades that CollabSystem received over the previous 4 months and mentioned the tremendous career development opportunities that were available to those who were staying on. “See Gerald from the mail room? He’s about to become CIO. His only previous experience with computers was in 1992 when he unplugged a network cable and unsuccessfully attempted connect his telephone.” Gemma, who was unaware that all company e-mails aren’t private DMs, replied to all “what’s a telephone? [shrug emoji]”

CEO Eric Schwartz recently denied that he was looking to move on himself, citing a board directive for better succession planning. “Even though the 5-4 decision was close, the board has spoken – they don’t want to fly by the seat of their pants anymore. They want a plan, even if it’s not any good.” Reasons for the board schism are unknown, but a recent insider pointed to some board members being less than impressed with CollabSystem’s ability to deliver on the company’s vision of ‘world peace’. “We pay a fortune promoting our CEO’s mediocre musings on YouTube to create the impression of ‘thought leadership’, but is there any less peace in the world? I doubt it!” a disgruntled board member was recently overheard grumbling.

The former CFO, COO, CIO, and several sales executives issued a joint press release on their departure:

We are categorically not leaving because of any board-level rift. Some of our closest friends serve on boards.

Our decision had nothing to do with them taking away the coffee machine on level 2, the lack of cream biscuits in the kitchen, and the flickering fluorescent light above Jeff’s desk. And it has absolutely nothing to do with many years of undervaluing our contributions.

We would also like to put an end to any speculation that recently vested stock options may have in any way influenced our decision to move on. Any shares were held at arms length in a Cayman Islands entity, which was at all times under the control of a shady lawyer with a registered postal address in Delaware. You’ll have to ask him about the shares, and we’re pretty sure he’ll say “no comment”. Not that we ever had any shares. Hypothetically speaking, even if CollabSystem shares made us a fortune, we wouldn’t have bought a private island, corporate jet, major league baseball team, or Swiss chalet.

We all decided, independently of course, that this was a time in our lives to explore new opportunities, practice mindfulness, and grow professionally. It was purely coincidence that all seven of us made the same decision last Tuesday at about 2:17pm. We will look back on our years with the company fondly, and wish everyone well.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s