CollabSystem Terror: Guaranteeing Productivity or Else

The last 12 months have been difficult for many of CollabSystem’s clients. First, they had to grapple with the Great Resignation, a nascent sense of independence in employees in a labour market that gives them real choices and real wage growth at last. Next our clients had to face off against the horror of Silent Quitting, employees exercising their ability to end centuries of Silent Wage theft and only work the hours for which they are paid. Many business are facing financial ruin now that they have to reward employees properly and can no longer secretly drain away their lives.

The modern employee

At CollabSystem, we deliver solutions that enable capital to extract the maximum productivity and return from a workforce. We knew immediately we had to turn the extractors on full to redress the heinous imbalance.

Employee engagement has long been our vehicle to keep down real wages and extract the maximum returns to capital. Trapped in the magical spell of engagement, employees could not see their capacity to escape to a new job or a better life. How can employers continue their vampiric drain on employee’s good efforts when employee engagement is waning? That’s why we at CollabSystem are proud to announce our latest solution CollabSystem Terror, an employee retention and productivity tool for the post-engagement era.

Our Head of Employee Terror, preparing to taste the fruits of our work

CollabSystem Terror is based in insights generated by sophisticated AI analysis of human history to identify the common characteristics of key period of capital productivity. Our AI identified that at times of peak capital productivity, such as in slavery, colonialism and totalitarianism, effective and sustained use of terror was the common feature. Unfortunately, laws have changed to reduce the ability of employers to exercise untrammelled fear and violence in the workplace. CollabSystem Terror brings handy and automated tools of Terror to the modern workplace within modern labour laws and Occupational Health and Safety guidelines.

CollabSystem Terror combines best practice engagement and motivational techniques from past reigns of terror with modern technology to deliver an employee experience that keeps everyone on the edge of the seat. We automate the hard work of terrorising your employees.

Key features of CollabSystem Terror are:

  • Loss of Control: By taking over large parts of the employee experience CollabSystem Terror can deprive employees of a sense of control over their own fate. Employees should soon feel that decisions are being made for them by remote and alien forces
  • Isolation: Confronting monsters is hard. Confronting monsters on your own is even more terrifying. We make sure your employees can’t call for help. Think of them as being trapped alone in a remote cabin in the woods battling demons.
  • Terrifying Visions: Achieving true terror requires consistently reinforcing the vision of all that can go wrong and a general prevailing sense of doom. If you enable the added economic module, it will constantly warn employees of rising joblessness, bankruptcies and recession.
  • Randomness: When adverse outcomes are fair or predictable, you will not achieve true terror. ComlabSystem Terror’s randomness module makes sure all employees are equally in fear and liable to sudden inexplicable horrendous surprise.
  • Extreme Consequences: Slaps on the wrist and lost bonuses are not enough to keep employees truly terrified. Sudden sackings, unexplained disappearances and extreme reputation damage are built in to the system.
  • Relentless focus on Risks: When employees have hope you might not maximise fear so we work to relentlessly destroy hope and make employees manage risks all day
  • Transparent Metrics: Public humiliation can be a major source of fear. We make sure everyone is always publicly behind expectations in some way.
  • Thought Crimes: Purity tests maximise fear as one cannot ever be pure enough. providing management tools for thought crimes is essential.

CollabSystem Terror is available now. Frighten your employees back to docility today.

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