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Executive Collaboration

John is foreman material. He decided to stand in front of Jane who we were trying to photograph.

Many senior executives have unique needs in a collaboration. CollabSystem is proud to announce its new toolsuite, Executive, all the tools that a modern executive needs to survive in a modern enterprise social network.

Taking the Executive out of Executive Collaboration

Executive has been developed as a result of extensive consultation with senior executives. Actually, they couldn’t make any time to discuss their needs in collaboration but we did get to talk to their assistants a lot trying to set up a meeting. We based our design on conversations with people from HR, Technology and Employee communications who pretended they knew what senior executives need.

Our goal in launching Executive was to ensure that executives could participation in collaboration solutions with minimum inconvenience and to achieve maximum value. We also wanted to support community managers struggling to get executives engaged with a new set of tools to lower the bar on executive participation. We don’t think we could have got the bar lower without digging.

Our design goal is simple. We take the executive out of executive collaboration. Now all those executives who don’t want to participate in their organisations collaboration initiatives get their wish.

Features

They key features of Executive are:

  • Video: Executives love video, especially video of themselves talking. Nobody can ask a question of a video and there’s no way you can be interrupted by a difficult idea.  Our proprietary software renders a video of the executive standing in a randomised corporate location spouting management speak.  This advanced AI requires no participation of the executive and has been proved in testing to be indistinguishable from the empty rhetoric of a live executive video.
  • Posting Bot: This algorithm will post and like messages on behalf of the executive using exercpts of the executive’s Linkedin profile, business financial plan, family Facebook profiles, calendar, and email as source material.
  • Puppet mode: Puppet mode gives the HR and Employee Communications professionals complete control of the executive’s social profile, posting and even the Video tool to enable them to author authentic simulcra of executive communication.
  • Log rolling: If multiple executives have the Executive tools enabled the solution will ensure that these executives consistently praise each other and support each other’s posts. HR and Employee Communications executives will be able to trigger the virality option in log rolling to use this feature to ensure messages dominate community discussions.
  • Diversity Enhancement: With the simple flick of an admin toggle, HR and Employee communications professionals can switch the gender, sexual orientation and background of executives without requiring the incovenience of change in exective positions or the cost of new hires. The Executive tool will deliver the appearance of both diversity and closing any pay gap simply by flicking this switch. Most importantly the Executives in question will never know that their appearance has been changed as this change will not be visible on their account.
  • Empathy Algorithm: The empathy algorithm will optimise any actual posts of an executive to demonstrate actual human empathy. The algorithm is also responsible for corporate message alignment and any compliance or exception approvals for the executive to open their mouth online.
  • Ego booster: The Executive tools will also ensure that executives posts dominate the feed algorithm, receive sufficient likes and that flattering messages are posted as replies by other employees.
  • Cardboard cutout: A free cardboard cutout of the executive will be provided for use in offline collaboration.

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With Executive mode, people will know your CEO is a dog-lover, but nobody need know that your CEO is a dog

The CollabSystem Collaboration Model

A lot of nonsense has been shared by consultants, management gurus, and thought leaders on effective collaboration.  At CollabSystem we have learned from all of it.  That’s why our product solutions represent the one product you need to buy to achieve effective collaboration in your organisation.

Given the large number of models of collaboration in the marketplace, some of them even effective and credible, we have been asked often ‘What is the CollabSystem model of the human behaviour of collaboration?’

The CollabSystem Model of Collaboration

We know human beings are complex and they get more complex when you connect them in networks so we at CollabSystem know that no simple model will result in hours of mystification, total unpredictability and complete lack of science required to meet our customers’ needs.  At CollabSystem we never believe in saying something with four small words that we could say with lots of long and complex jargon. We know that the most complex diagrams generate the most interest.

It is with these key dynamics in mind that we share with you today our complex jargon-rich and consultant-speak model of Effective Collaboration.

Transhumanism

We belive we have captured all the key elements of Collaboration in our model.  We know this because we stole them from lots of other people’s models and roughly mashed them together. We added lots of big words too. Some of which we barely understand. You should have seen how much stuff we had on our CollabSystem Wall as we developed this.

FAQs for the CollabSystem Collaboration Model

Q: Can I use the model?

A: Please download this image and share it in all your presentations of Collaboration. It is not essential that you understand the model or be able to explain it. You are looking to achieve in your audience that magical experience of an exclamation of “Ah, Science!”

Q: What do organisations think of the model?

A: Because your organisation will find all its favourite buzzwords, they will find further validation of whatever approach they are currently.  If they do challenge the model, you can simply reply “It’s not my model. Ask CollabSystem.”

Q: How do I use the model?

A: Whenever anyone asks for the logic behind your purchase of a CollabSystem solution, just show them our Collaboration Model. Most of the time they won’t even dare ask a question. If people do ask ‘How do I use the model?’, we have an expensive suite of consulting services that will confuse them so much that they will forgot the question they asked in the first place.

Q: Which organisations have used the model?

A: Yours

Q: Will the model guarantee effective collaboration in my organisation?

A: That is not the point of the model. The purchase of CollabSystem’s products is the only thing that guarantees effective collaboration. The model is to make it easier for you to buy our product.

Q: What is the science behind the model?

A: We find science interferes with faith-based technology implementations.

Q: Couldn’t the model be more complex?

A: It is. This is just the two-dimensional representation of a four-dimension space known as the zone of zones. The topology of collaboration in four dimensions is an entirely different matter. The self-referential and adaptive reflexivity of this topology should be sufficient to address the domain specific issues of determinism while avoiding simplistic answers.

Q: What should I do next?

A:Buy now

Collaboration Bingo Button

In response to overwhelming demand for Collaboration Bingo, CollabSystem have launched a ready-to-use pack to make it easier to play than every before.

The pack includes:

  • 13,843 x Collaboration Bingo Cards (printed on 10gsm pre-curled baking paper)
  • 1 x Announcer Microphone (compatible with most emergency evacuation systems)
  • 1 x Bingo Button

The Bingo Button is an engaging way to alert everyone in your organisation that they’ve failed in their attempt to administer CPR to your otherwise lifeless collaboration agenda. The person who pressed the button is clearly the only person who has the mandate to use the word “innovation” in their job title, at least until the next major restructure.

We only include one button because we assume you’ve pre-arranged the winner of Collaboration Bingo. If you haven’t rigged the game, then to create the illusion of fairness we can temporarily supply you with an additional 13,842 Bingo Buttons to place strategically next to each Bingo Card. Take it from us, it’s much easier just to pick the winner in advance.

Along with Collaboration Bingo, we also offer Collaboration Battleship, where your CTO and CMO fight it out to torpedo the SS Disruption in a sea of otherwise hopeless initiatives.

 

 

 

Cards Against Collaboration

Sick of those personality cards handed out at every leadership seminar? Modern workplace tarot was always going to end in disaster. We always knew Trevor in accounts was an introvert. Surely?

Now you too can own your very own set of Cards Against Collaboration, the game sweeping conferences and other ridiculously-priced-sponsorship-opportunity-events around the nation.

The person who most recently reset their password to their payroll system goes first.

Then someone takes a beige collaboration card and places it in the middle of the table.

Each person then completes the sentence with a fuchsia-coloured panacea card. The colour combination is guaranteed to make anyone’s eyes bleed.

Hilarity then ensues. Amusing combinations such as:

Collaboration is … when we stop pushing the revolving door and a change champion runs headfirst into the glass with a full tray of coffees.

Innovation happens when … Felix, an otherwise well-trained dachshund, answers nature’s call on the fake grass in the innovation lab.

The winner of each round is the person who’s combination convinces the CEO to launch a new initiative.

Cards Against Collaboration is available in-store and online from all good innovation labs.

 

 

 

 

Tangible Products – The Wall

One of the most annoying aspects to being a technology consultancy is that a lot of what we do is ‘fluffy’. We freely admit that most of what we do isn’t tangible. Today that’s all about to change, as we launch the CollabSystem Wall. The CollabSystem Wall® is a complete structural solution for your future workspace. It’s not some half-baked virtual technology construct.

You might expect us to have created a hyped-up, bandwagon analogy of a time-honoured architectural tradition, but instead we aim to delight our customers with their very own brick wall. Each CollabSystem Wall© even comes complete with real mortar! Wall construction has been a staple in establishing human civilisation – China, Mexico, Berlin, Jerusalem, Hadrian, Pisa, and Wodonga all putting their best plumb foot forward throughout the ages.

When you purchase a CollabSystem Wall (pat. pending), a skilled team of bricklayers will come to your office. In the case of remote workers or distributed teams, our team will even come to your employee’s home. Our bricklayers will quickly and efficiently construct a freestanding solid brick wall with a minimum of fuss. They will then clean up, and leave you with an almost-indestructible reminder of just how far we’ve come as a society since 7500BC when the first bricks were created.

The CollabSystem Wall℠ comes with a myriad of uses, echoing the multipurpose nature of the construction methodology.  For starters there are literally a million ways you could decorate the wall. Apply plasterboard, cement render, plaster, paint, wallpaper, tile, faux fur, or any combination of those. Try your own combination of cornice, skirting board, architrave, and shadow line. Literally, the choices are endless. If you’ve empowered your workforce with Choice℠, employees can even request a different finish on each side of their Wall. We suggest you locate CollabSystem Walls so that their owners have to crane their neck awkwardly to see their wall. This encourages obsessively checking one’s own Wall, constantly aiming to be better than other Walls.  This also maximises the amount of expensive real estate taken up by the excessively heavy Walls.

You’re then free to customise the CollabSystem Wall to drive business value. Add whiteboards, blackboards, shelving, hooks, plumbing, electrical, insulation – basically anything that your business needs to make the CollabSystem Wall your own. Anything but your corporate branding, which requires our prior written consent before applying. The beauty of the CollabSystem Wall® is that we don’t quite know what you want, which is why we have to come to your boardroom and deliver a well-rehearsed PowerPoint presentation on why all the effort you’ve invested in open plan offices, standing desks, and pentagonal meeting cubicles is about to be rendered* obsolete with the construction of many, many walls.

To achieve a truly Future of Work office, you’ll have to give everyone their own wall. Anyone on a talent program will require at least two patented CollabSystem Walls, letting everyone who passes by know how special they are. Important managers will want at least four CollabSystem Walls© arranged in a quadrilateral pattern to give a retro 1950s office feel. Those who sometimes work from home will be relieved to now find a permanent masonry reminder of their workplace in their bathroom, meaning no end to the nightmare of work. For permanently distributed teams, all CollabSystem Walls are finished in an identical military green camouflage pattern, uniting the team towards a common enemy as they gaze horrifically at a newly-built brick wall from their kitchen.

The CollabSystem Wall is expected to be the first in a long line of construction-related products. Not content with just bricks and mortar, expect to hear rumours of CollabSystem stockpiling large amounts of steel to construct real-life silos to separate business units later this year. Once silos have been rolled out, CollabSystem will attempt to train a team of pandas to lay bricks, creating the world’s very first CollabSystem Chinese Wall©.

 

* “Rendered” (as a double entendre) is used under licence from MySpace Inc.

Collaboration Bingo

At CollabSystem, we believe in supplying your organisation with the tools that enable employees to have fun, cut through to the essential issues and share powerful and productive moments of work together. That’s why we are proud to announce the latest CollabSystem’s Productivity Solution – Collaboration Bingo.

Never again will you be bored to tears by useless, repetitive and dull advice on how to successfully transform the culture of your organisation to ensure success in a digital economy. When you hear someone discussing the future of work, the importance of collaboration or how to achieve effective innovation in organisations you can use this essential tool to celebrate and record the insights.

YammerisDead

Complete an entire row or column and you can shout ‘Collaboration Bingo’. Complete the entire board and, as reward for your endurance, you get a speaking gig at the next Collaboration or Future of Work conference . Ask a question using an entire column or row and we will give you a free 90 day trial of our premium collaboration solutions Walking, Talking and Working. Ask a question using the entire board and we will give you a gig on the CollabSystems board.

Most importantly of all use the Collaboration Bingo board to terrorise the poor Community Manager responsible for developing employee collaboration in your organisation. Their work is not hard enough. They need more challenge and to be more widely mocked. Never again will their efforts to help employees be productive at work escape hard questions.

Just think how insightful you will seem to your peers when you ask “Is the Community Manager as Innovation CEO dead given the role of Bots as a Productivity tool?’ or “How do Viral Social Learning Metrics Bots accelerate employee adoption of Future of Work Policies?’  Most importantly of all your depth of insight will stump any inexperienced community manager who doesn’t know that the only real answer to any of these questions is ‘Just Buy Jive, IBM Connections, Socialcast, Yammer, Slack, Workplace by Facebook, Stride, CollabSystem’

 

Note: Like all good collaboration solutions the idea behind this one is stolen.

Brand Guidelines Were Released

Media Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Branding guidelines are taken very seriously at CollabSystem.

Our relentless pursuit of using the passive voice means we aren’t going to be stopped by anything,

Everything must be written in the passive voice, according to our brand guidelines.

Active voice is being used by all our competitors, which is why a stand needs to be taken by us.

What we meant was still understood by you, even though passive voice was used by the author.

So what’s all the fuss about?

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We Value Bravery

A Customer at Work in CollabSystem’s new tool, Highwire

At CollabSystem our job is to make workplace technology systems work as if people were irrelevant. We know that effective collaboration and stellar results in your organisation is just one more tool away. We know you want collaboration with the hippest, hottest and most ego-rewarding tool available. Ideally, that tool will be one of ours.

We find the kind of people who buy our products work in technology. To have the budget they must be senior in technology. They are CIOs, but not just any CIO. It takes a special breed of CIO to buy our products. There are three characteristics of the CIOs that we work for:

  • A Extraordinary Almost Delusional Vision
  • A Willingness to Overlook Details
  • 96pt Font Bravery

We can’t stress how important bravery is to a successful implementation of CollabSystems products. We aren’t for the average CIO who is content to implement humdrum solutions from internationally recognised vendors like the pack of CIO mediocrities that they call peers. We are here for the rip and replace, big bang, heroic, take no prisoners, damn the torpedos CIO who has a extraordinarily delusional vision and is prepared to pay for it. If you want to be featured on CIO magazine cover adorned with the word ‘brave’ in 96pt red text, we have a sweet deal for you. Totally ignoring users takes a certain kind of ego and we know how to feed your ego.

A CollabSystem project in action

Every noticed that people look at you strangely and say ‘brave decision’? Well CollabSystem is the fastest way to repeat that experience and win the same level of respect again. Many reviews of our products highlight how brave an IT team would have to be to implement our products. Achieving adoption without actual employee engagement is not for the fainthearted.

So if your colleagues in the leadership team look at you askance, users wail and your architecture team breaks out in a cold sweat every time you open your mouth, give us a call. We value your bravery and we’re sure you do too.

We Are Not Consultants

We Are Not

We are not consultants.

We are not life coaches.

We don’t use frameworks.

We don’t run workshops.

We don’t present slide decks.

We Are

We’re there to show you the beauty of sunrise.

We guide you to the potential of each day.

We’re in your corner.

You Are

You are equipped to fulfil your potential.

 

Das #HumanBusinessDay Manifest

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Unser schlankes, agiles und immer noch überwiegend menschliches Team bei der Arbeit

Bei CollabSystem haben wir uns verpflichtet, jeden Tag genau die richtige Menge an Arbeit auf die niedrigst mögliche Art und Weise zu erledigen. Nach umfangreichen Experimenten hat CollabSystem eine einzigartige Arbeitsweise entwickelt, die es uns ermöglicht, mit unserem schlanken, agilen und immer noch überwiegend menschlichen Team von Mitarbeitern ständig neue, innovative Arbeitslösungen zu entwickeln.

Wir sind davon überzeugt, dass jeder von der lockeren, heiteren und allgemein kooperativen Art, in der wir arbeiten, profitieren sollte. Unser Vorgehen ist für die Mitarbeiter zeitlich, prozessorientiert und nachvollziehbar. Das einzige komplizierte und komplizierte Werkzeug, das zur Ausführung unseres Prozesses benötigt wird, ist eine Uhr, obwohl viele Teams behaupten, von der Verwendung einer teuren Espressomaschine profitiert zu haben.

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Das Whoosh und Summen der Produktivität in einem menschlichen Arbeitsplatz

Nach Jahren der Verfeinerung teilen wir jetzt das Manifest, das unsere schlanke, agile und immer noch größtenteils menschliche Arbeitsweise antreibt. Wir nennen es den HBD, den Human Business Day (oder für diejenigen, die Hashtags #humanbusinessday lieben):

Das #HumanBusinessDay Manifest

Wir arbeiten besser, indem wir weniger arbeiten. Durch diese Arbeit haben wir zu schätzen gelernt:

  • Sie verbringen weniger Zeit mit unnötigen Diskussionen über die ganze Nacht
  • Beenden von Aufgaben zusammen über endlose elektronische Ablenkung
  • Nach Hause gehen zu Familie, um zu beweisen, dass wir beschäftigt sind
  • Zeit zu essen, zu verbinden und über das Essen an unseren Schreibtischen oder auf unseren Telefonen nachzudenken

Wir würden gerne sagen, dass wir die letzteren Dinge schätzen, aber wir würden lügen.

Zwölf Prinzipien eines #HumanBusinessDay:

  1. Unsere oberste Priorität ist es, den Kunden und uns selbst zu befriedigen, indem wir unsere Arbeit menschlich gestalten (‘Arbeit ist Arbeit’)
  2. Der Tag und jede Sitzung beginnen zu einer festgelegten Zeit und alle Teammitglieder, die dort sein sollten, sind zur vereinbarten Zeit dort. (‘Kein Dilldalling’)
  3. Der Tag besteht aus vier Abschnitten à 1,5 Stunden. In diesen Zeiten ist der ganze Arbeitstag abgeschlossen. (‘Kein Pfaffing herum‘)
  4. Zwischen der ersten und zweiten Stunde ist eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause für 30 Minuten mit dem Namen Morgentee mit heißen Getränken, kleinen Snacks und Geschichten der letzten Nacht (‘Morgentee‘)
  5. Zwischen der zweiten und dritten Periode ist eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause, die Mittagessen mit kalten Getränken, einer größeren Mahlzeit und Lügengeschichten (‘Mittagessen’) genannt wird.
  6. Zwischen der dritten und vierten Stunde gibt es eine gemeinsame Reflexionspause von 30 Minuten mit dem Namen Nachmittagstee mit heißen Getränken, kleinen Snacks und Geschichten von den heutigen Plänen (“Nachmittagstee“)
  7. Das Team macht die Arbeit, die getan werden muss, nicht mehr und nicht weniger (“Was würdest du noch tun?“)
  8. Kommunikation ist direkt, prägnant, persönlich, großzügig, oft witzig und immer zeitgemäß im Interesse der Maximierung von Produktivität, Lernen und Stimmungen (“Sprechen wie ein Mensch“)
  9. Ablenkungen während der Arbeitsperioden werden im Interesse der kommunalen Produktivität vermieden. Insbesondere große E-Mail-Witze, virale Videos, lange Geschichten, das Versenden von E-Mails an Personen, mit denen Sie sprechen könnten, Telefonkonferenzen, große PowerPoint-Pläne, alle Antworten und andere Formen der Ablenkung werden aktiv abgeraten (‘Do not be daft’)
  10. In regelmäßigen Abständen nimmt das gesamte Team nicht an der Arbeit teil und es wird keine Arbeit geleistet (‘Feiertag’)
  11. Das Team rotiert die Fähigkeit, einen Tag lang nicht an der Arbeit teilzunehmen, und die Balance des Teams deckt den Beitrag für das Team ab, in dem Wissen, dass es bald an der Reihe sein wird. (‘Verlassen‘)
  12. Am Ende der vierten Periode hört das gesamte Team auf zu arbeiten, vergisst die Probleme des Tages und geht. Unvollständige Arbeit wird für den Start der nächsten Tage vorbereitet. Es ist üblich, “Gute Nacht alle” zu rufen, wenn Sie gehen. (‘Heimzeit‘)