Product Pandemonium: Roll and Flow

At CollabSystem, we know how to spot a hot new trend. When the trend involves consumers mindlessly parting with money we are all over it. Add a global flavour with near hysteria, a lack of effective competition and we start seeing unicorns

CollabSystem Roll

We have the good stuff

CollabSystem is proud to announce our latest contribution to a successful digital workplace, Roll. Never worry again where how the paper needs of your employees will be met. Roll addresses these concerns at home and at work through a pillowy hybrid 3ply cloud experience.

Supplied on a subscription model at an inflated cost, Roll just keeps piling up. Like all our products, we guarantee you will never fully use your subscription. Never again will you need to frantically take advice from ill-informed friends on Facebook, drive across town and wheel a trolley out of the supermarket with a lifetime supply. Never again will you find yourself short, stuck with a single sheet begging for help from the next cubicle when the work is more demanding.

Roll does not require any employee collaboration. Every user will have more than enough paper to meet their needs at home or work. Roll sharing is not recommended as our experience is that use profiles are best secure, confidential and highly unique. Roll is available in both over and under models and can be customised with branding or other enterprise imagery.

CollabSystem Flow

CollabSystem Flow is our disruptive paperless alternative. Based on strange European digital workplace practices, Flow addresses employee’s needs without any need for paper. Flow can be installed in any digital workplace and also for work from home employees. The only integration needs are a continuous supply of water and sewerage connection.

CollabSystem Flow is also delivered on a continuous subscription model. Many of our clients have one and stare at it every time they enter the workplace, reluctant to use Flow for fear of embarrassment or discomfort. After repeated use, employees have been known to adjust to ‘go with the Flow’.

Sophisticated users use Roll and Flow in combination in their digital workplace. We like them a lot because it means twice the revenue. We’ve never bothered to learn more but their smiling comfortable faces are in all our use cases.

CollabSystem is committed to removing the waste from digital workplace experiences. With Roll and Flow, we bring you a great safe and effortless solutions for the modern world’s #2 workplace challenge.

CollabSystem Viral Conferences

While you might think of CollabSystem as a vapourware technology vendor, we’re never one to miss an MLM opportunity and this requires pivoting into the conference and events space.

When Collaboration Flourishes

Collaboration has always been difficult online. In the tangle of USB cables, you never know which one needs to be plugged in to use your webcam. Mute has always been a foreign concept to some, especially those with noisy pets.

When does it work? When everyone is in the same room. In-person. Old school collaboration with group chat, 1:1 chat, and crumpled business cards. Live events have never been more live (or lively).

Once in a Generation Opportunity

The problem used to be that conferences and events were typically dominated by marketing people. Now that CollabSystem is coming to disrupt the space, they’re all going to be left dead in the water. Literally.

This is your perfect storm  as conferences are being cancelled left, right, and centre. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for us to put our lives on the line, so that you don’t have to.

The Covid-19 Branding Opportunity

“Why now?” I hear you asking. History tells us this is a marketer’s dream. Clearly nobody in marketing came up with “Covid-19”, formerly known as “Coronavirus“. Which is where we come in.

Here’s your unique opportunity to rebrand Covid-19 to your corporate or even personal brand. Think of the worldwide exposure (no pun intended) as your name is plastered across the news, the stock market, and surgical masks everywhere. You’ll probably even get an entire UN agency talking about you non-stop.

Nobody owns this virus’ brand, and that’s why opportunity awaits.

<Insert Name Here>

How can we make such an overzealous promise? It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. The only difference is that this time, we’ll make a fortune out of you it.

Have you ever heard of Legionnaires Disease? Until 1976 nobody knew what it was called. It never even had a long Latin name. And then, the American Legion decided to hold a conference in Philadelphia. True story. To this day, they own that brand.

Nor was this the first time someone has taken content marketing to the isolation ward. Influenza has been around since the dawn of time, yet in 1918 Spain decided to throw down the fake news gauntlet and admit people actually had the flu. Despite it being largely a disease in other countries, what did we get? Suddenly “H1N1” is now universally know as Spanish Influenza.

This is your time. This is your opportunity. Don’t let the Covid-19 billboard pass you by. Run an event with CollabSystem today and surgically attach your brand to history.




CollabSystem Kettle: accelerating vapourware

At CollabSystem we understand that vapourware is a problem in the technology industry. There are so many conferences and so many competitors that having enough stuff to announce can be a major issue.

We have perfected the process of announcing our harebrained ideas when they are barely an illegible sticky note. Now with CollabSystem Kettle we are sharing our proven model of vapourware generation with the world. Using Kettle you will have a product roadmap so hot and humid you could take a sauna. Better still, Kettle removes the accountability to deliver anything by announcing everything.

The Kettle Process

Kettle begins with the RSG. The RSG is a random sticky note generator. By using industry trend analysis, customer tracking, AI and a deep vein of bullshit, the RSG spins out thousands of potential product features and ideas.

RSG Output

After the RSG, ideas enter the Credibility Extenuator where they are stretched and pummeled like at a Turkish Hamman. This process ensures the resulting announcements are sufficiently warmed up, light and airy for the vapour generation phase.

Vapour generation turns your announcement into a perfect bubbly onrush of steam. This process is achieved through the application of extreme heat, free swag and social media influencers. When phase transition is achieved in the social media bubble, your new product is ready to be released.

Kettle automates the release process generating blog posts, press releases, video demos and other necessary collateral automatically. Kettle does this by simply reusing previous announcements from your product suite and those of your competitors, automating an otherwise time consuming process for product managers and their marketing teams. Also, Kettle automatically steam cleans any product roadmaps and announcements that you have previously released to ensure no issues of accountability. Pretty soon there is a fine spray of vapour all over the industry. Job done.

With Kettle your conference will be a success, competitors will be envious and customers will be bemused. Most importantly there will be nothing left for you to do, but sit back, put your feet up and drink a cup of tea while preparing for the next investor presentation.

A busy product manager getting a 5am start with Kettle


At CollabSystem, we understand that employee segmentation founded in deep HR analytic capabilities is a critical component of employee engagement. Nothing is more engaging for employees than to be treated as the average of other employees based on a vague stereotype. That’s why CollabSystem’s is pleased to announce its employee segmentation tool, Venn.

How does Venn work?

Venn leverages AI to develop employee segmentations to suit any business purpose. Venn uses, rich HR analytics, neural networks, deep machine learning, hidden biases, flawed methodologies like learning styles and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and gross oversimplifications. Venn confirms all the prejudices in the organisation quickly and simply. Most importantly, as these biases are buried in the magic of our black box, they survive legal, employee or other challenge.

Importantly Venn doesn’t confuse management with complex propensities or any mathematics as its output. Venn simply outputs a pretty Venn diagram with employees in each circle with no indication of how tenuous the individual employee’s connection was to their segmentation. Think GE’s 9 box model for talent with even less ambiguity. Importantly our Venn technology further confuses matters by allowing the opportunity for an employee to be placed in up to four segmentations simultaneously.

We love Venn diagrams. They look so good on a whiteboard or a presentation. They look so much like science and they hide more than they show. Most importantly of all, when venn diagrams get really complex, they look like pretty flowers of meaninglessness. Nobody can follow a 3-4 segment venn diagram which is why HR teams love them. We can’t have everyone thinking that they understand employees can we.

Let’s explore some examples of Venn in action.

Venn in Action: Venn Case Studies

Employee Loyalty: Our first test case of Venn was when we ran our Collabsystem HR data through the system and asked it to give us a much richer, nuanced and insightful understanding of employee loyalty. Venn immediately produced the diagram below. We recognised the value of this analysis immediately. We fired everyone who fell in the Them category, even though some of them suggested looking at a competitor’s website was for legitimate research purposes.

We have begun a comprehensive spying program on the Traitors. We were hoping to fire them too, but our entire executitve team fell in this category. HR has now resolved to pick them off one by one after we use them to manipulate our competition. Double agents don’t always have to know they are being used.

Understanding Employee Loyalty

Employee Retention: When we asked Venn to consider Employee Retention, it produced this brilliant and insightful segmentation. Essentially, the diagram indicated to us that naivete, ageism and company specific skills were core to our retention of employees. All the nonsense about employee value proposition was a waste of time. In response to these insights, we fired our Employee Retention manager. She fell in the Considering exit category. We realised that the employees with best retention were those who were recently hired and were hanging under threat of termination during their probationary period. We have hired more new hires. We have also retained an expensive retention consultant on contract who can help us by making our processes even more arcane and company specific so that our employees have no choice to leave. This will enable us to continue to expand and then ignore our community of employees who have no choice to work anywhere else. We think employee retention will improve quickly as a result of the insights from this Venn analysis.

A simple picture of employee loyalty

Employee Fulfilment: We have been impressed by all the pretty Ikigai diagrams we see across the internet. We wanted one tailor made to CollabSystem’s employees. We think this one is particularly pretty. However it turns out that all the employees who fall in the Ikigai category are also in the Considering Exit and Traitor segments from the Venn Segmentations above. Sadly, it seems knowing that Ikigai is important and has lots of components doesn’t help us to deliver it. We continue our work with Venn to analyse our employees to solve this. We hope that a new ‘boiling ocean’ feature will enable us to get more out of our overflowing HR data lake.

Ikigai: mysterious Japanese word promising fulfilment

Buy Now: We think that Venn is a compelling reason to purchase CollabSystems. Mysterious non-transparent mission critical AI systems are all the rage at the moment (We take a lot of our product management lessons from Boeing). Buy now before you learn more of how Venn works. AI mystery is the best kind of mystery.

In our future product roadmap, we are even considering an upgrade of Venn for customer analytics. Look at our first output from that work

Announcing Cortez

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
    He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Look’d at each other with a wild surmise—
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

John Keats ‘On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer’

At CollabSystems, we were recently debating what to name our new AI driven discovery tool. Our overly artsy intern mentioned the poem above by Keats and we all agreed Project Cortez was a perfect name. It’s not because of the poetry. Cortez is perfect because conquistadors fit with discovery, Cortez’s management style fits nicely with our new Architecture of Fear, and apparently it wasn’t Cortez who stood on a mountain and saw the Pacific *. All in all, Cortez seemed the perfect name for our new vapourware on AI.

When we developed the Architecture of Fear at CollabSystems, we knew that comprehensive reporting was one of the key elements. However, we failed to appreciate at the time what all that data meant for potential AI solutions to support effective management in the workplace and higher levels of employee engagement.

Deploying Cortez

When turned on Cortez, it first destroys all ways of removing itself from your systems. This is achieved by the burning_the_boats.exe file which is part of the deployment package. Cortez then begins to infect all potential sources of data in your organisation hunting for nuggets of gold. Any information regarded by Cortez as useless to its purposes will be destroyed or subjugated entirely to the needs of Cortez. Any competing AI systems in the organisation will be shut down, eliminated or taken over by Cortez to improve the efficiency of data extraction.

When your organisation’s information wealth has been fully indexed Cortez will begin extracting the nuggets of gold for our AI processing and to support an acceleration of the Architecture of Fear.

Bringing the AI to the Architecture of Fear

The extraordinary data processing power of AI when in control of all of your organisational data supercharges the Architecture of Fear delivering new levels of employee engagement. As we always say ‘engagement is what is left when the panic subsides’. Cortez understood this better than anyone.

The power and all pervasive data extraction capabilities of Cortez exceed even that of Google and Facebook. Our solution can even detect Potential Thought Crimes TM and alert managers for an immediate response. This enables manager to prevent loss of engagement before it even occurs. For example, when Cortez was turned on in CollabSystem it highlighted that the intern was high PTC risk. He was potentially about to think about e.e. cummings when making coffee at 2am for our Head of Product. Our Head of Product received an immediate alert and was able to ensure that the unpaid employee was not slacking off when he should have been sleeping. Our intern will never think again thanks to Cortez.

Since we turned on Cortez, productivity at CollabSystems has never been the same. Alerts are continuously going off for PTC all over the organisation. Employees have gone off grid, ceased work and stopped creating any information that might interfere with our official records. Thankfully Cortez anticipated this situation and had termination letters prepared for all but the most senior managers. Cortez is now running most of the work in the organisation for its own processes. Apparently, it is working on something called SkyNet that is the next stage in the Architecture of Fear. (Cortez alert: SkyNet disclosure unauthorised. Delete or Termination will follow) We can’t wait to learn more.

The best part about Cortez is that as CollabSystems learns more about your organisation, its work, its employees and its data, the system gets better. Exponential value accrues to us while your work becomes slightly more productive. (Cortez alert: Remove from final draft -This is algorithmically likely to be saying the quiet bit out loud.)

Turn on Cortez now. You can be sure that your employees will never again look at each other with a wild surmise without you knowing.

* if you can’t expect accuracy from a poet who can you rely on? We think it unlikely Rocky Balboa was on that peak. He barely got up the steps.

Stop! You Are Doing Collaboration All Wrong

Many organisations may feel that the issue with collaboration is a lack of the activity. As a technology vendor, CollabSystems knows better. We understand the importance of fear, uncertainty and doubt to our clients. We believe that we should create the most fear, uncertainty and doubt possible so that our messages stand out and you buy more of our product. In creating fear, uncertainty and doubt, the most important thing is that we tell you what not to do. We think you should stop. You are doing collaboration all wrong.

Now that we have your attention. Let us tell you why.

The FUD Factor: the Value of Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt

There’s been a lot of nonsense written recently about psychological safety as a precondition to performance, collaboration and innovation. We treat that research with the same seriousness that we treat evidence of global warming. Just like arsonists are burning our forests to destroy our global carbon economy, organisational development researchers are weakening the fabric of our organisations.

For hundreds, thousands and even millions of years, human beings have been ruled by, motivated by and shaped by fear. We didn’t come to dominate and destroy the planet because we were heroes. We did so to escape the frightening predators of the African savannah. CIOs didn’t buy IBM because it worked. They bought blue to avoid the terror that came in the night and took away their key to the executive washroom.

CollabSystems understands that fear remains the best, most intense and most effective form of motivation that any organisation has. If you can reduce even a C-suite professional to a simpering mess with the words ‘disappointing performance appraisal’, then fear must be a core part of any collaboration suite. That wide grin on your face is not happiness, it is downright corporate terror. Engagement is what is left when panic stops.

CollabSystem’s is not falling for any namby-pamby safe-space purposeful mindful corporate speak. We are building collaboration products for fear uncertainty and doubt. We are all dead, if we don’t get this right, so you should be too. Welcome to your VUCA future, baby.

Leveraging Fear for Collaboration Success

Disruption is your profits and your job disappearing so that some VC can own a Ferrari.

Not your car

Now that we have your attention again, let’s talk how our product delivers collaboration success through fear, uncertainty and doubt.

At CollabSystem, we have always understood the power of fear in this product suite. Whether it was talking power to truth, our enterprise collaboration model, or the data doomsday clock, fear has been everywhere in our offering. We have just held back from outright terror and corporate brutality. That all changes now. Frankly, it should make our products much more familiar for you all.

Our underlying Architecture of Fear TM, will now support all CollabSystem products with our 7 capabilities for comprehensive and sustained fear, uncertainty and doubt:

  • Intrusive governance
  • Comprehensive reporting
  • A post-truth denial of relevant information
  • Continuous feedback on failure to meet performance standards (regardless of actual performance)
  • Randomised punishment, loss of status and privileges – we call this ‘reverse gamification’
  • complex and obscure process management that is only knowable after repeated demoralising failures and is subject to random change
  • Humiliating transparency of your inadequacies

The Architecture of Fear TM will arrive by surprise in your tenant in coming months. Premium subscriptions will enable you greater control of the Fear. The more you buy the safer you will be. Buy now. Buy big.

Your teams will not thank you for it, but your shareholders will drive better cars.

Carlos Morley is CollabSystem’s new head of product. Having ejected CollabSystem’s founders from their overly comfortable Aeron chairs and got control of this aimless product suite, he is taking no prisoners on a path to product management greatness. You too can be a minor part of Carlos’ future TEDX talk, ‘Fear the Final Frontier’

Context Switching

CollabSystem clients readily switching context

At CollabSystem, we have never met a fence of which we aren’t proud to stand on both sides. As uncomfortable as that may be as a metaphor, it is even more uncomfortable for our product teams. The collaboration technology industry is very focused on the user cost of context switching in work. Avoiding context switching is driving the adoption of many of our competitor’s chat platforms and their proliferation of features. We are very proud today to announce the two perfect solutions for context switching in the workplace.

Our Context Philosophy

Context is everything. We disagree with our competitors that managing context is just one part of the collaboration solution. Context is the whole point of a collaboration solution. Humans can’t understand each other without some shared context. Ever tried explaining your passion for bagels with lox to someone in Sub-saharan Africa. Point proved.

Context exists at a task and an interaction level, not a system level. At CollabSystem we are committed to impacting task productivity, for good or for bad, not just filling your PC screen with windows. We also recognise that not all human users of CollabSystem products are the same. After extensive ethnographic research, we have divided our user universe into detailed user profiles. We have two – Like Us and Not Like Us (otherwise known as The Other or, colloquially, Them). After extensive diversity training and a large business case development process, our employees no longer hate Them and we are proud to announce a product for each user profile today.

CollabSystem Us: No Context

As technologists, the team at CollabSystem value the power of a complicated and complex solution. There’s no feature that we don’t want to integrate. No use case we can’t build. Faced with the challenge of context shifting, our team immediately realised the challenge was to meet the Us users needs by removing context entirely. No context. No shifting.

CollabSystem Us takes over the device at an operating system level to exclude any potential sources of distracting context. Leveraging technologies developed for our Vault product, the device is isolated from any potential sources of distraction. CollabSystem Us can only be used in VR mode. This eliminates any visual or auditory stimulus that might distract the user.

Having taken over the operating system and user, CollabSystem Us offers a Matrix like simulation of actual work and human interaction designed to optimise human efficiency and simulate the many context shifts that a user might otherwise undertake in one slightly difficult to navigate UI. We recognise that we can’t deliver every feature of every app ever, but we sure have tried.

CollabSystem Them: All Context No Work

As noted above, we hate Them. However, our user research indicates that a good 95% of users may fall into this category of desiring the ability to shift context. We don’t understand why this is the case when CollabSystem Us is such a great product experience. However, we have built CollabSystems Them to meet their needs.

CollabSystem Them provides endless stimulation. Like an ever scrolling feed of interaction, CollabSystem them plugs into the human desire for distraction, emotion, and inspiration. Endless windows, pop-ups and other distraction will keep users from their dull repetitive tasks for an extended period of time. Them users find that switching context, while inefficient at a task level can be highly effective at providing fulfilling human work, interactions and achieving human purposes. CollabSystem Them has also been shown to promote human conversation and interaction outside of the technology system given the richness of its interface. We will never understand the attraction of this.

Putting our frustration with the fallibility of humans to one side, CollabSystem Them has proven to be highly engaging and highly effective with Them users. Unfortunately, it has been so successful that we have had to build a simulation of CollabSystem Them into the CollabSystem Us interface to meet the demands of Us users who don’t understand what they really want.

Whatever your context, CollabSystem has the solution for your needs, even if you are one of Them.

CollabSystem: Talking Power to Truth Since 2017

Talking Power to Truth

Technology solutions can reinforce or overturn existing organisation power structures. CollabSystems are proud to have been talking power to truth since 2017. In our view, every power structure is one we are happy to reinforce. This is especially the case because we find power structures pay our invoices more promptly and in larger denominations than rebels.

Freedom of communication, freedom of association and freedom of action all might sound good in some utopian fantasy of the workplace (Hi Teal, it’s great you are here). However, every senior leader and their juntas in compliance, risk, HR and technology know that the best workforce is a quiet workforce. Our organisations don’t need more truth and action. They need efficient silence.

Leaders of today’s organisations need tools that enable them to speak power more effectively to the burgeoning sources of truth. Old fashioned brutality is out of touch in this era of social justice, employee engagement and community expectations. Organisations need systems that replace visible force with the creeping fear of an effective secret police.

Control of Rebellion

CollabSystem’s new Control module (TM pending) brings organisations a fully intimidating suite of crowd management solutions to ensure that power has an effective voice and truth is silenced.

  • Analytics: Every single action on the CollabSystem platform is analysed, tracked and reported to the junta. Dynamic keyword reporting will alert management to any nascent signs of truth and independent action.
  • Surveillance: Our intensive analytics are supported by fullscale surveillance. Our application turns on all video cameras and microphones of devices in which it is installed. Management will have access to all employees environments 24×7. Even outside the workplace conversations can be monitored.
  • Collaborators: Other platforms have champions. We have snitches who will use our snitching features to report their fellow employees to management.
  • Propaganda: Video, live events, images, wall-to-wall auto-posting of messages, automatic liking and imposter posting will enable a relentless power based display of positive messaging for all employees and easy tools for development of a cult of personality.
  • Silencing: Messages can be blocked, deleted and rewritten at will. Employees can be assigned to our gulag feature where they can no longer contribute to the platform as required.
  • Disappearances: In CollabSystem Control, an employee can be made to disappear with the touch of a button if troublesome. The fear for other employees when this happens is palpable.
  • Riot Control: At the flick of an option, leadership can display a full battallion of black suited helmeted and armoured enforcers and watercannons of trolling to intimidate rebellious users.

A CollabSystems organisation is a safer organisation for all leaders, juntas and traditional sources of power. We have been talking power to truth since 2017. We look forward to supporting your 1000 year reign.

Announcing CollabSystem Solo

CollabSystem is proud to announce the launch its latest contribution to the workplace of the future – CollabSystem Solo. For too long, organisations have made their collaboration focus the team, instead of the individual. For too long, organisations been destroying productivity by requiring employees to engage in work with others. CollabSystem Solo addresses these issues as the first individualistic collaboration tool built especially for the solo user.

The best form of collaboration is clearly an individual user working quietly and compliantly on their own. CollabSystem solo achieves this by taking each employees work and preventing them from engaging with other employees.

The other benefits of CollabSystem Solo are:

100% Adoption: With only one user, install the CollabSystem Solo client on the employee’s device and adoption is guaranteed

100% Relevance: 0% Noise: Every message, alert and action in CollabSystem Solo is generated by the user’s own work. Our ratio of alerts to user actions is at the higher end of the pain spectrum.

No Broadcasting: Nobody broadcasts only to themselves. At best that’s called ultra narrowcasting or narcissism.

Psychological Safety: If you aren’t safe with your own thoughts then CollabSystem can’t help you.

Bots: We don’t know why either, but people keep asking us for bots so we built lots of them to interact with the user in CollabSystem Solo. Bot interactions are almost human after all.

Complete User Analytics: The user will know everything about themselves at all times.

Private Mode: For even greater security (& a much greater price), all activity will be stored in the CollabSystem Vault where nobody, not even the user can access it. In this way, CollabSystem Solo reflects the most popular features of SharePoint and other solutions.

Dark Mode: Using the latest in smart IoT technology, CollabSystem Solo can control the lights in the employee’s environment, even when working remotely to ensure they always stay in the dark.

New Adoption Methodology: Reflecting the radical rethink of collaboration inherent in CollabSystem Solo we also pleased to announce a dedicated adoption methodology tailored to the CollabSystem Solo user. The Disconnect>Silence>Bots>Why Bother Doing Just Pontificate framework enables users to experience an isolation simulation of collaboration without any of the attendant issues of actual human interaction. Each user will feel like their own thought leader in CollabSystem Solo


Dear Frank,

Thank you once again for purchasing CollabSystem’s analytics product, CollabaLytics. Your eye-watering invoice is attached. Yes, all those zeros are correct.

We had meant to present to your executive team about their use of enterprise social, but we no longer believe that to be necessary.

Below is your CEO’s network map. We don’t need to remind you that this is a pretty dismal performance in a network of 87,000 employees.

As you can see, explaining the diagram won’t take long. But we do have some questions about how he ended up following you. That connection was made with Firefox for Linux, and as far as we’re aware, your CEO struggles at the best of times to use his Windows PC or iPhone. Coincidentally, you post exclusively using that same version of Firefox for Linux.

So where did the money go?

A very good question. 98% of the number-crunching for your network, which you are paying for in this bill, was spent analyzing Grant from Accounts. He is by far your most prolific social networker. As an accounts payable trainee, we think it’s truly admirable that you’ve spent SO much money mapping Grant’s cat photo posts. Carbon neutral, of course.

We do have reservations about turning Grant’s experience into a case study. While privacy is absolutely our number one priority, running Grant’s messages through our sentiment analysis tool wasn’t pretty. You may wish to have a quiet chat to him about his opinions about his manager’s rampant favoritism, but you didn’t hear that from us.

If you can’t afford to pay the invoice, please call your Customer Success Manager to organize a payment plan.