Blog

Media Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Branding guidelines are taken very seriously at CollabSystem.

Our relentless pursuit of using the passive voice means we aren’t going to be stopped by anything,

Everything must be written in the passive voice, according to our brand guidelines.

Active voice is being used by all our competitors, which is why a stand needs to be taken by us.

What we meant was still understood by you, even though passive voice was used by the author.

So what’s all the fuss about?

-ends-

A Customer at Work in CollabSystem’s new tool, Highwire

At CollabSystem our job is to make workplace technology systems work as if people were irrelevant. We know that effective collaboration and stellar results in your organisation is just one more tool away. We know you want collaboration with the hippest, hottest and most ego-rewarding tool available. Ideally, that tool will be one of ours.

We find the kind of people who buy our products work in technology. To have the budget they must be senior in technology. They are CIOs, but not just any CIO. It takes a special breed of CIO to buy our products. There are three characteristics of the CIOs that we work for:

• A Extraordinary Almost Delusional Vision
• A Willingness to Overlook Details
• 96pt Font Bravery

We can’t stress how important bravery is to a successful implementation of CollabSystems products. We aren’t for the average CIO who is content to implement humdrum solutions from internationally recognised vendors like the pack of CIO mediocrities that they call peers. We are here for the rip and replace, big bang, heroic, take no prisoners, damn the torpedos CIO who has a extraordinarily delusional vision and is prepared to pay for it. If you want to be featured on CIO magazine cover adorned with the word ‘brave’ in 96pt red text, we have a sweet deal for you. Totally ignoring users takes a certain kind of ego and we know how to feed your ego.

A CollabSystem project in action

Every noticed that people look at you strangely and say ‘brave decision’? Well CollabSystem is the fastest way to repeat that experience and win the same level of respect again. Many reviews of our products highlight how brave an IT team would have to be to implement our products. Achieving adoption without actual employee engagement is not for the fainthearted.

So if your colleagues in the leadership team look at you askance, users wail and your architecture team breaks out in a cold sweat every time you open your mouth, give us a call. We value your bravery and we’re sure you do too.

We Are Not

We are not consultants.

We are not life coaches.

We don’t use frameworks.

We don’t run workshops.

We don’t present slide decks.

We Are

We’re there to show you the beauty of sunrise.

We guide you to the potential of each day.

We’re in your corner.

You Are

You are equipped to fulfil your potential.

 

Our lean, agile and still mostly human team at work

At CollabSystem we are committed to using every day to get just the right amount of work done in the lowest stress way possible. After extensive experimentation CollabSystem has developed a unique way of working that we use to consistently produce innovative new future of work solutions using our lean, agile and still mostly human team of employees.

We believe everyone should benefit from the casual lighthearted and generally collaborative manner in which we work. Our approach is strictly time bound, process-centred and actually comprehensible to employees. The only elaborate and complicated tool required to execute our process is a clock, though many teams claim to have benefited from use of an expensive espresso machine.

The whoosh and buzz of productivity in a human workplace

After years of refinement, we are now sharing the Manifesto that drives our lean, agile and still mostly human method of work.  We call it the HBD, the Human Business Day (or for those who love hash tags #humanbusinessday):

The #HumanBusinessDay Manifesto

We are working better by working less. Through this work we have come to value:

• Spending less time working over pointless discussions that go all night
• Finishing tasks together over endless electronic distraction
• Going home to family over proving we are busy
• Time to eat, connect and reflect over eating at our desks or while on our phones

We would like to say we value the latter things, but we would be lying.

Twelve Principles of a #HumanBusinessDay:

1. Our highest priority is to satisfy the customer and ourselves through doing our work in a human way (‘Work is Work’)

2. The Day and each session begins at an appointed time and all team members who should be there are there at the appointed time. (‘No Dilldallying’)

3. The Day is comprised of four periods of 1.5 hours. All the day’s work is completed in these periods. (‘No Pfaffing Around’)

4. Between the first and second period is a communal reflection break for 30 minutes called morning tea involving hot beverages, small snacks and stories of last night (‘Morning Tea’}

5. Between the second and third period is a communal reflection break called lunch involving cold beverages, a larger meal and tall tales (‘Lunch’)

6. Between the third and fourth period is a communal reflection break for 30 minutes called afternoon tea involving hot beverages, small snacks and stories of tonight’s plans (‘Afternoon Tea’)

7. The team does the work that needs to be done, no more and no less (‘What else would you do?’)

8. Communication is direct, concise, personal, generous, often funny and always timely in the interests of maximising productivity, learning and moods (‘Talk like a human’)

9. Distractions during the work periods are discouraged in the interests of communal productivity. In particular, great email jokes, viral videos, long involved stories, sending emails to people you could talk to, calling agendaless meetings, large PowerPoint decks, reply all and other forms of distraction are actively discouraged (‘Don’t be daft’)

10. At regular intervals, the entire team does not attend work and no work is done (‘Public Holiday’)

11. The Team rotate the ability to not attend work for a day and the balance of the team covers for their contribution to the team in the knowledge that it will soon be their turn. (‘Take Leave’)

12. At the end of the fourth period the entire team ceases work, forgets the issues of the day and leaves. Uncompleted work is readied for the next days’ start. It is customary to shout “Night all” as you leave. (‘Home Time’)

Are you worried about competitors getting the jump on you over the holiday season?

With a 3,502kg braked towing capacity and Dolby® 7.1 channel surround sound, the CollabSystem 2018 Band Wagon has more than enough space for all your hype for the new year.

It also features active suspension and mean reversion, allowing you to take all your 2017 buzzword baggage around with you for at least the next 12 months. While still leaving enough room for the Blockchain power supply, spare drone rotors, and countless more flotsam and jetsam items to be unleashed in the Year of the Dog.

The 2018 Band Wagon is connected to your existing strategy through an industry standard 7-pin towing socket (batteries not included). This complies with all local traffic regulations, giving your tailgating competitors enough warning to take evasive action when when you swerve to hit an operational roadblock. After all, that’s the point of brake lights, right?

Our lemmings customers have been overwhelmingly unimpressed by the wagon:

It makes no sense to be towing around useless stuff that nobody understands. And the extension rear vision mirror they gave us was useless. It was meant to give us perspective on the contents of the wagon, but mostly it just reflects the blinding sun right into our eyes.

To get your hands on a 2018 Band Wagon, contact one of our existing customers to negotiate a great deal on a second-hand trailer. What kind of start-up would we be if we didn’t offer a two-sided marketplace?

Hot on the heels of some cryptocurrency launching a futures contract, CollabSystem is today launching our Initial Tulip Offering (“ITO”).

Investors will receive CollabSystem Tulips for next to nothing. When the Tulips are inevitably worth a fortune, our founders will sell out and purchase outrageously expensive yachts. Our intern has already put a down-payment on this one:

As our founders cash out, the flood of liquidity will bring the Tulip price crashing down, leaving unsuspecting “investors” to deal with the fall-out.

Nobody knows what the Tulips are really worth, and they aren’t actually shares anyway. The worth of a Tulip is not defined by its ability to grow a flower, but like all other cryptohype nonsense – just what someone else is willing to pay you for it.

For more information, or to receive a prospectus, please contact our ITO advisers, South Sea Company.

The information in this website and the links provided are for general information only. You should consider seeking independent legal, financial, taxation or other advice to check how this information relates to your unique circumstances.

Consider taking a history lesson or seeking professional psychiatric help if you are considering investing in an Initial Tulip Offering.

Is it that time of year already? Are we writing about what is about to overwhelm the world next year? Without having even done the Post Implementation Review for 2017?

Surely that’s terrible change management practice. Look for lessons learned, then try to predict the future. Otherwise how do you get any better at clairvoyance?

We digress. CollabSystem’s Top 18 Tech Predictions for 2018.

1. Fidget Spinners
2. Fidget Spinners
3. Fidget Spinners
4. Fidget Spinners
5. Fidget Spinners
6. Fidget Spinners
7. Fidget Spinners
8. Fidget Spinners
9. Fidget Spinners
10. Fidget Spinners
11. Fidget Spinners
12. Fidget Spinners
13. Fidget Spinners
14. Fidget Spinners
15. Fidget Spinners
16. Fidget Spinners
17. Fidget Spinners
18. Fidget Spinners

 

As recently as yesterday, CollabSystem unveiled their latest in collaboration technology – Us vs Them. The only problem with such a divisive and ultimately disorientating approach to corporate allegiance is that customers are Them.

Customers Aren’t Us

If you aren’t Us, you’re Them. And since customers have the ability to talk to our competitors, they’re very much in the Them camp. They will never be Us, and we should never be willing to share information with Them. Them’s the enemy.

Fake News

It’s not just about who you are, it’s about what you say. If you’re Us, then what you publish online is true. If you’re Them, then if must be fake news. This problem has existed for millennia, ever since Aristotle published the first article on the parody website “The Onion” back in 417BC.

Verified as Us

The solution to this all is, of course, verified accounts. CollabSystem uses the latest in IBM Watson artificial intelligence to establish whether an account part of Us. Like Kasparov working out whether he’s black or white today, CollabSystem clearly establishes which side of the board you’re on.

If you’re Verified as Us™, your account will get a little gold star. We all know what the gold star means – not only did you complete all your chores, but you ate all your vegetables too.

Verified as Them

This is where it gets interesting. Being part of Them (and without the Verified as Them™ tick), your blog was fake news. However add CollabSystem’s tick of approval and your content is now reinterpreted as Ours. Despite being Them, you’re suddenly part of the Us trusted “inner circle”.

Verified Customers

So where does this leave those pesky customers?

With the CollabSystem Verified as Them™ tick, your customers can be part of Us. It’s a seamless transition, where customers don’t even know that they’re Them one minute, and Us the next. And eventually when the relationship isn’t considered “win-win”, it’s a seamless transition for the customer back to the #fakenews chaos of Them.

Remember, Them’s the enemy.