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After a discussion with our analytics provider (who doubles as our content marketing guru), CollabSystem recently identified a critical shortcoming in our thought leadership strategy.

Apparently CollabSystem didn’t have a podcast, so weren’t being taken seriously by potential customers.

In our inaugural podcast, Simon and Ben share examples of how CollabSystem’s suite of products have been used to solve real-world customer problems.

Given how short that list was, it also conveniently doubles as a poignant reminder to what work could sound like in the absence of Working Out Loud.

We can now be taken seriously. We have a podcast.

 

 

Are you sick of hearing how Blockchain will disrupt your business? Just imagine – this technology, which nobody else understands either, will destroy absolutely everything you’ve ever worked for.

Yes, apparently the Millenials held a meeting and decided that the Tinder wasn’t such a great idea after all. In fact, they all thought getting married by Blockchain was the best way to overcome that technology faux pas. [Thankfully that hasn’t caught on –Ed.]

With the launch of CollabSystem Custom Cloud, we’re in a unique position to offer you an unequivocally superior alternative to Blockchain. CollabSystem’s BlockTrain™ is 43% more perplexing than Bitcoin, and according to the Magic Octagon, 86% more pointy.

Best of all, every BlockTrain™ includes a non-stick Gore Tex coating, has an ETOPS range of 4800nm, and keeps you healthy with vegan probiotic cultures.

Now is a great time to examine all the limitations of traditional Blockchain, and why we’ve taken the insane decision to reinvent the wheel.

Distributed Ledger

One of the founding principles of IT governance is that you know where your data lives. Let’s not even try and define what a ledger is (or isn’t). With a distributed anything, you just have no idea where your precious data happens to be. Like Schrödinger’s cat, your data is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

With BlockTrain™, we keep the data for you in our super-secure vault. It’s got a big steel door, just like in the movies. It’s so secure that we’re not even allowed to tell you where it is, even if you promise to do everything in world’s most onerous NDA.

Problem. Solved.

Trustless

Slightly concerned with lots of bad people having access to your transaction history? You’re definitely not alone.

Trust is the currency of our new economy, so it makes absolutely no sense to trust people you don’t even know to keep track of your most intimate transactions. Alternatively, if trust is really the “new currency”, then a trustless system (like Blockchain) by definition has no value.

Whichever logic you prefer, we’ve made it work in our favour. Trust CollabSystem with it all, we’re totally legit and trustworthy. We’re a startup, and have placed your hopes and dreams at the epicentre of our purpose. What could possibly go wrong!

Permanence

Apparently, the best feature of Blockchain is that transactions are preserved since time immemorial and forever into the future as a single source of truth. Sometimes you just want the ability to get a refund. Or more importantly, you only need to see your $3.20 coffee purchase, without combing through 1TB of other people’s meaningless purchases from Amazon.

Yes, soon enough the block chain will generate more data than YouTube and there’s no way to split up that monolithic, single “history”.

So we’ve created BlockTrain™ Wagons™. You can ask us to separate your Wagon™ from the rest of the train, and that becomes your own, personal transaction ledger. Free for your to copy, store, or delete at your leisure.

Wagons™ are small enough to fit on a USB key, which can be conveniently misplaced on most modes of public transport.

We think every one of our customers is worthy of their own single source of truth. Why pick the shared room when you can pay for the private cabin upgrade?

It’s ok for other people’s transactions to be in that data mess, but we don’t think that’s good enough for our customers. With CollabSystem, you get control of your own Wagon™ and your transactions don’t have to be part of the single source of truth.

100% Virtual

Sometimes you actually want to be able to touch and feel the things that you own. Sometimes you want to be able to show them off to your friends and distant relatives. Like buying a new $1,000 iPhone.

BlockTrain™ overcomes this by allowing you to 3D print your new-found wealth in an array of fluorescent colours. You can then place these around your house to show off just how ridiculously out-of-touch you really are.

Better still, even if the BlockTrain™ market collapses (which we don’t think it will, but no promises), you’re left with a pile of stackable plastic knick-knacks to vacuum up on weekends.

 

 

 

Moving the dial is no small achievement. The massive expansion of administration has also fuelled an equally stark expansion of empty activities. Unless your company understands the informal social network of employees (which is how work really gets done), your communication and collaboration program will just be a set of silos.

The old adage of the customer is always right needs to be embedded systemically into organisations. Convenience is the new loyalty. We need to need to “upgrade the operating system.” What are your thoughts on saying yes? Which step have you reached today?

Culture is a (if not the) key component of your company strategy. A coherent and consistent business culture is as important as your business strategy. To lead change successfully, we need a new breed of leaders who understand the concept of valuing employees as a whole person. Servant leaders are human-centred leaders who value service and stewardship. A future-oriented mindset is essential in today’s rapidly changing technological world.

Start with a culture of Problem Solving by the people doing the real work! Expand your potential and define your creative niche. Explore new ways to approach your critical challenges. Choose your friends (and connections) wisely. Surround yourself with people who continually challenge you and build your confidence. Keep negativity at bay.

I’m proud of the work we’ve done. Ready to grow your business?

It is up to you to make it happen.

This post is composed entirely of lines from posts on a single LinkedIn feed

In an unfortunate mix-up and possibly the worst conference swag ever, CollabSystem is set to release a range of garish activewear to celebrate Working Out Loud Week.

Not much is know about the new clothing line, apart from there being liberal use of psychedelic colours and lycra.

Speculation is mounting that a bot misinterpreted “working out” and “loud”.

It’s the last time we’ll let an intern anywhere near a bot. That’s for sure.

Bots have previously caused CollabSystem’s “sweat equity” to be bottled and sent to several angel investors in 60mL vials. None of them were amused.

We at CollabSystem understand how difficult it is to pick the winner in a sea of collaboration vendors. Sometimes we don’t think we’re in with a chance ourselves. And we say that even while wearing our own logo (printed on an organic cotton t-shirt, of course).

Which is why today we’re launching CollabBet, a revolutionary new gambling platform that allows you to pick winners in the technollogy war. The best part is that you don’t even have to go through the hassle of actually buying a product to be a winner.

Along with leaders in the online gambling space, CollabBet allows fixed price odds, in-play bets, and early cash-out to coincide with your own IT strategy failures.

Customers have immediately seen the benefits, applying the product to decisions they made many years ago:

I always knew we shouldn’t have gone with the Palm Pilot. I tried telling everyone. If CollabBet was around back then, I could have made a fortune and retired.

Others see it as a legitimate way of reducing technology risk:

Many years ago we decided take photos of all our important documents and upload them to Flickr. Thankfully we also placed a bet on Google Docs with CollabBet. The money we made gambling in CollabBet more than paid for the migration we had to do. In fact, it even paid for some ridiculously priced adoption training!

The premium version of CollabBet also allows you to bet on your own employer’s decisions, such as corporate strategy and who will be the next CEO.

IS GAMBLING A PROBLEM FOR YOU?
CALL G-LINE A confidential, anonymous and free counselling service.
Free Call: 1800-COLLAB-NIGHTMARE

CollabSystem have today unveiled their solution to the current corporate obsession with chat. Available for team offsites and perfect for combining with a Walk, the dedicated co-working spaces are said to be inspired by the cone of silence from Get Smart.

Under the guise of an offsite, the offending team members are placed in a specially designed steel echo chamber for an hour. During the therapy session, noise bounces around the chamber to near deafening levels. Any attempt to “chat” during the session only makes things worse.

Participants are advised to leave their phones at the door, since battery life reduces to 7 minutes as their device unsuccessfully tries to find a signal from inside the metal tomb. The resulting separation anxiety also highlights any need for technology addiction counselling (additional service, charges apply).

The immersion experience is 100% effective, and none of the participants have ever wanted to chat again. All customers have come to enjoy the silence that is traditionally associated with not working in a steel vat.

We bought a brewery because we wanted a super-hipster workplace to show off to our customers, but didn’t know what to do with the industrial junk. We’re quite proud of our #futureofwork team, turning rusty old steel silos into an on-trend corporate retreat. Shows what you can do with a bit of marketing pizzazz. We still can’t believe people actually pay us to use them, not small bikkies either!

Participants are monitored at all times during their obsession sessions through a small porthole originally designed to add hops.